Can you cheat without being physically intimate?
The short answer is yes. Not what you intended to hear? Well, it might have all started with an innocent friendship, a simple flirty comment. A little sweet talk never hurt anyone, right? But WHAMO! Chemistry takes over and before you know it, your internal world ignites on fire, you get excited, and your mind races a thousand miles a minute. Emotional affairs don’t include physical intimacy… it’s all about emotion, and it only takes a spark to light our feelings on fire.
The word “cheating” often implies a scandalous affair of physical intimacy, but what actually defines this term is not its physicality. If you are investing time in someone else in a romantic way, it does not matter whether or not a physical connection is involved. This other individual could live across the country, but you may be investing more in them than you are with your current partner. Social media makes intimate conversations with distant people easier than ever, while making the cheating even easier to conceal.
Wondering if your emotional connection with a special someone else might mean more than that?
Here are a few tell-tale signs that you might have found yourself in an emotional affair:
- The Relationship is Hidden: A key factor to understanding the difference between a good friendship and an emotional affair is when the relationship becomes secretive, hidden, and out of your partner’s view. You tend to step outside to speak on the phone, send a text message when you go into the bathroom, you delete messages/photos/texts, or you keep their phone glued to your hip at all times.
- Emotional and Mentally Consuming: Emotional affairs can become consuming both mentally and emotionally. The thoughts and emotions no longer consist of your partner; you tend to be all about this other relationship. It can feel as if you are “alive” again, looking forward to talking to the other person again. Thinking. Wondering. Day Dreaming.
- Emotional Reaching: When you have exciting news, feeling worried about work, or upset about a family member, you no longer reach to your partner for comfort. You reach out to this other person for emotional comfort and closeness to share your emotional world with them. They are the first person you reach to for comfort, and then later down the list you reach to your partner…(or not even at all).
- The HIGH: Often this new relationship creates an “emotional high,” a euphoric feeling. People tend to find more energy, willing to stay up later to talk on the phone/text/instant message chat, and can survive on less sleep because of this rush they get from the relationship. The excitement and flirtation is emotionally and physically arousing.
Flirtation: It might have started with an innocent friendship flirt, but now flirtation comes out more than it would with anyone else. Your mind gets consumed with endless flirty comments and humor that you haven’t had for a while. The fun flirty chats are exciting and you can’t wait for the next time you chat with them.- Talking about them: Emotional affairs you might catch yourself talking about this person more frequently and they run across your mind more often. You bring this person up in conversations you have with others and you can’t stop talking about them in a positive light. Every topic seems to have a relationship with this “friend” of yours.
- The Held-back Thoughts: You hold back from sharing your thoughts or interactions that you have with this person. You have so much to say about this person, but you don’t say a thing. Something inside holds you back on bringing them up in conversation…kinda like your body is sensing something more than a friendship is occurring.
- Crossing the Line: Having an emotional affair is also when you cross the line with sharing appropriate information. Crossing the line with information is opening up and sharing intimate things with this person where your partner is often the only one you do this with. You send intimate photos, sexting, or flirty comments where this would only happen in the past with your partner. You text message constantly throughout the day.
- Dreams: You dream more of this person and the dreams have crossed into more intimate dreams where you are getting closer either emotionally, physically…or both.
- Ditching Responsibility: Emotional affairs can also include ditching work or responsibilities to spend time with this person either in person or over electronics. This isn’t the case for everyone. Some people are able to stay on track with daily responsibilities, while other people get distracted where responsibilities are pushed aside and put on the back burner.
- Internal Justifying: You justify your actions because “at least I am not having sex”…an emotional affair doesn’t include sex or physical intimacy, the one-night stands, or the weekly hookups. The innocent friendships that start off with a flirt grows into a deep emotional connection…and then you might find that you justify the relationship to make it okay.
Emotional Affairs: They Come With Guilt
Have you checked some boxes when it comes to these behaviors to look out for when it comes to emotional cheating? Maybe even most of them? Chances are, you are probably not feeling the best about what this might mean for you and your relationship. Feeling no remorse is rare and would mean it is likely time to have a tough conversation with your current partner. That being said, most people who find themselves emotionally and romantically connected to someone other than their partner are not looking to make a relationship-ruining decision.
Because an emotional affair does not involve physical cheating, it is often more of a slow burn, and suddenly you find yourself more invested in that special someone else than you ever intended. They could even be a friend you’ve had for years that you understand and trust, making the boundaries blurry between what is respectful to your current partner and what could cause them a lot of pain.
If you genuinely intend to remain with your current partner, recognizing that you haven’t been emotionally loyal can feel defeating and you may not feel helpless regarding your next move. You now not only have to consider their emotions but also the emotions of the person in the affair with you, which is a heavy load to carry. Take the time to self-reflect and understand what that weight feels like to you? Does it feel like guilt?
Guilt is something we work through a lot in therapy, but it is important to recognize its connection to shame. Sitting with these feelings for too long is incredibly unhealthy and can not only be even more damaging to your relationship but can take a heaping toll on your mental health. If your emotional affair is getting to you, talking about it with someone would be beneficial, and it might be helpful to speak with a third party before communicating everything to your partner. Estes therapy is here for you every step of the way. Scheduling an individual appointment is always an option but if you and your current partner need some help navigating the relationship after the emotional affair is disclosed, couples counseling could be just what you need.
