What to Expect in Couples Counseling: Relationship Counseling Overview

Couples therapy is too often equated as a last resort for relationships in trouble, with many couples waiting years before seeking out help and believing they already have the life tools or know how to patch their connection back up. This unfortunate association or shame in seeking relationship therapy commonly leads to deeper divides and communication problems that could’ve been remedied.

If you and your partner are exploring counseling here in San Diego, CA, let me say that you’ve made a great first step in demonstrating how much you value each other and your connection.

Many couples have a lot of questions about what to expect from couples therapy and some anxieties around it. This is very normal and before we discuss what couples counseling usually entails, we’ll dispel some common misconceptions.

One to get out of the way first, marriage isn’t a prerequisite and premarital counseling often shows a positive impact on a couple’s lifelong commitment.

Common Couple Therapy Misconceptions

Counseling and therapy trigger a lot of anxieties, people tend to hold many misconceptions about seeking help. Add someone you love to the mix, even more anxieties can appear.

There are primarily two common concerns when starting couples therapy:

Therapists Pick Sides

This is a very common anxiety and misconception. Good therapists do not pick sides but help the couple understand the issues they're facing and how each person can change it for themselves. Therapists can challenge both people, which can cause defensiveness and appear as if they've picked a side, but this is for advocacy and helping create better understanding. Therapy, no matter the form, can include difficult feedback, and it is the therapist's job to challenge both partners to help each see their blind spots and encourage growth in them.

Creating More Conflict by Digging Up Sensitive Topics

This is a valid concern that often prevents people from seeing the help they need. These sensitive topics can feel like the therapist is trying to cause conflict because one or both people thought it was done with. When a therapist discusses these topics and there is still sensitivity, that's a sign it isn't as settled as you may have thought.

While sensitive issues are likely to come up to ensure they are dealt with rather than buried (and turn into bitter resentment), skilled therapists will guide both people through the conversations in a way to promote understanding and connection.

Individuals are just that, and while these two misconceptions are two of the most common concerns, there can be many others. Just know that therapy is meant to help both people involved reach their goals, communicate better, and get where you want to be- focused on each other in a healthy and positive way.

What Couples Therapy Is Really Like

You could say that the first thing in couples therapy is paperwork, expect boring paperwork before the first session begins. This mainly includes a review of consent forms, a confidentiality agreement between both people and the therapist, and a discussion about feeds and appointment cancellation policy.

After that step is finished, here is what you can expect from sessions with a couples therapist:

Therapists Assessing Relationships: Relationship Counseling Begins at the Beginning

The first session is often answering questions, addressing concerns, and learning your relationship history. Therapists often begin by asking a few standard questions, such as:

How did you two meet?
What attracted you to each other?
When did problems start showing up?
Why did you start seeking counseling now?

This last one is especially important, it flushes out the recent events that have led to the conflicts worsening or connection fading, helping the therapist to focus in on particular issues and learn more about how both people interact around them.

Relationship Conflict Patterns

Once more is learned about the issues a couple is facing and how they engage with them normally, the therapist can begin to assess conflict patterns. These patterns are how a couple typically engages around difficult topics and your therapist will likely ask questions similar to:

When an argument escalates, what happens?
What issues always feel unresolved?
Have you been able to de-escalate from an argument? If so, how?

There is a bit of a learning curve in therapy. As your therapist becomes more familiar with your conflict patterns, couple connection, and cycle, they can help each of you identify what your role is in perpetuating it. They’ll prompt some self-reflection that will help you see any behaviors that may be feeding into these patterns.

One-on-One Sessions

Many times, a therapist will hold a session without the other partner present to give each person a chance to speak without having to filter it. To be clear, this isn’t about keeping secrets, it’s about helping the therapist learn more about each person’s concerns, and hopes, and build a relationship with each person.

Relationship Evaluation and Treatment Plan: Personal Goals

One of the biggest hurdles for couples in therapy is accepting that no one person is to blame for the relationship suffering. Therapists will likely discuss their assessment, the strengths, and areas of growth to focus on for both partners (and the relationship) to be the best version of themselves.

The treatment plan will cover these and include personal goals that partners set with the guidance of their therapist, often including things like:

Reducing defensiveness and understanding what triggers that feeling.
Better communicating my thoughts, feelings, and wants in a way my partner understands me.
Increasing self-worth.
Regulating emotional reactions in a healthy and productive way.

Couples Counseling in San Diego, CA: Specializing in Supporting You

Pursuing couples therapy only demonstrates the love and commitment you have to each other, and how much you value it. There is never any shame in seeking relationship services or mental health services to better yourselves or finding new ways to improve your relationships. Whether in a marriage or not, counseling is a good thing to pursue when the road begins to rock the life you’re sharing.

We work with many couples of all marital statuses, genders, and sexualities, as well as monogamous or consensually non-monogamous persons in Oceanside or Mission Valley San Diego, CA.

Connect with our Care Coordinator with a free 10-minute matching call and let’s take the first step toward gaining the tools to put your relationship on the track you want and deserve.

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It’s been nearly 20 years since I first became interested in studying psychotherapy. I began practicing the scientific approaches to psychotherapy in 1997 and I was hooked from then on.

I earned my Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family psychotherapy in 2004 and I am currently licensed as a Marriage and Family Therapist MFT (LMFT#47653) with the Board of Behavioral Sciences (BBS).

I focus my practice upon the empirically-based and proven research methods of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).

I’ve seen these techniques consistently get results and I truly believe they are the most effective at creating positive, long-term change.

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Seeking a therapist can be the best thing you do not just for your relationship, but for yourself. If you are seeking compassionate, knowledgeable, and understanding professional help, we invite you to explore our services. We are here to help you make the most of your life.