Say goodbye to mistrust and suspicion
1. Give yourself a reality check. Begin to monitor your jealousy triggers and ask yourself how realistic your jealousy is. When do you get jealous? Is it when your partner isn’t paying enough attention to you, or are there realistic signs? If you become jealous when your partner talks to anyone of the opposite sex, you are probably being unrealistic in your concern. If that’s the case, start to have positive self-talk when you feel the trigger and realize that everyone of the opposite sex does not pose a threat. On the other hand, if there are specific reasons for your jealousy, such as secret emails or messages, you may have a realistic cause for concern that you should address with your partner. Either way, identifying when and how you become jealous is the first step to dealing with your triggers head on.2. Think about your past. If you were cheated on before, it will take a lot more work to trust and lower your jealousy behaviors and thoughts. Be real with yourself about whether or not you have deep-rooted jealousy that dates back to a past relationship. If you don’t know where the jealousy comes from, it will be much more difficult to extinguish it in your current relationship. Be honest with your significant other about your issues — let him or her know that it may take you some time to build trust, but keep an open communication as you create trust and get over your jealousy.
3. Don’t try to change overnight. If you simply expect to wake up tomorrow without any jealousy, you are doomed for failure. You need to work with your partner to build trust over time. Create a plan with your significant other, and talk about what you each need to do to contribute to a more positive dynamic. For example, maybe your partner needs to stop texting an overly friendly female co-worker, and you need to let him spend alone time with his friends without giving him the third degree when he gets home. Whatever your specific issues are, be explicit about what each partner is going to do to help build a higher level of trust.
Jealousy is one sure-fire way to send a relationship into a tail spin. It’s easy to get trapped in a cycle of questioning, defensive behavior, and arguments. In order to break free, you must take a reality check and figure out where your issues are coming from. Once you make a plan of action and really try to change your patterns, your relationship can get on a better track.
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Understand Where Jealousy Comes From
A Withdrawn Partner
One place jealousy in relationships can stem from is a withdrawn partner. If you partner is distant, closed off, or shares little to no information with you, this is classified as being “withdrawn.” When you don’t know how they feel or what is going on, it’s easy to make up stories in your mind of the worst case scenario variety. The natural reaction for the partner who is not withdraw, is to start filling in the gaps and try to predict what is going on. When that happens you then become a victim of your own imagination and the panic of the unknown begins to sit in. This is one of the main emotional places where jealousy comes from.
Your History
If you have a history of being the victim to cheaters or have always been around unfaithful relationships your mind will remember trauma and can be triggered with similar situations. In this scenario, your partner’s behavior actually has little to nothing to do with your jealousy — you just can’t seem to shake these residual feelings from past experiences. It’s a bit like muscle memory, you mind goes to a bad place almost as a habit.
Your Partner’s History
If your partner has a track record of cheating this can cause your mind to wonder when they’re not around. In these cases regardless of how much you love your partner, it may be very difficult to keep trust in the relationship.
Insecure Bond
When the bond isn’t secure because of endless fights or the feeling of disconnect, it can create a fear-like response of jealousy. The less you are connected to your partner, the harder it is to feel confident in the relationship.
Discomfort in Your Own Skin
You get upset when you think your partner is up to no good; you can’t reach them when they are in a meeting, or they don’t answer their phone for an hour or longer. When you aren’t comfortable being in your skin alone, then it can come out in unjustifiable jealousy. You get jealous that your partner pays attention to the dog more than you.
Learn How to Stop Being So Jealous
You don’t want to be “that” girlfriend who is extremely jealous and seen as crazy. With some education and self-evaluation, you can become more secure in yourself and your relationship, and learn how to stop being jealous. Let’s tap into how we can control jealous feelings so that we can build trust and have happy healthy relationships moving forward:
Analyze it: Pay close attention of where exactly your jealousy is coming from. It is from your own history of failed relationships? Does it come from fear? Once you can answer the questions and really figure out where the jealousy stems from, you will then be able to control it and figure out how to stop being jealous. Better yet, learn where it came from.
Get Educated on Relationships: Learn how to communicate to avoid an argument that can keep distance in the relationship. Pick up a few books from the local book store (possibly the “Hold Me Tight” by Susan Johnson) and start your studying. The more education you get on relationships, the more awareness you will have. The quicker you two can resolve conflict, the closer you will feel and the less jealousy you will experience.
Write it Down: Write down your thoughts to help you communicate how you feel. Sometimes people can get very passionate about how they feel that it can come off abrasive or attacking. By writing down how you want to communicate this will help you stay on track and focus on sharing how you feel with your partner in a more loving manner. Once you wrote out your concerns, bring
The Love List: When all you can see if negative, it’s because we are overlooking all the good things. Make a list of things your partner does to show you that they care about you. What do they do for you in a day and what ways have they shown you they love you.
Always Remember your Commitment: If your partner didn’t want to be with you, then they simply wouldn’t. Plain and simple. Remember the commitment you have both taken for each other and love each other.
Meet with a Professional: Meet with a counselor to help you rewire how you think. Retrain your brain and learn how to calm the fears. Learn how to pick out what a “red flag” is vs. a “jealous response.” Red flags do exist and you should pay attention to them, but you should also be aware of what a jealous feeling is and take back control.
Calm your Nerves: Try working out, listening to music, or even reaching out to a friend. The quicker you can calm your nerves the more logical you can be about the situation.
Ask For Reassurance:
It is easier for people to trust what they see verses what we don’t see. Your partner may be sharing a lot, but nothing tangible that you can see. Ask your partner for reassurance. They can’t give you clarity if you don’t go to them directly.
5 Ways to Build Trust in Your Relationship
1. Follow Through
Learn to follow through with even small promises in your relationship. If you say you’ll be home at a certain time — either show up as scheduled or call to let your partner know about the delay. Aim for calling at least thirty minutes before the set time so they have notice. When you can be counted on for day to day things, your partner learns to rely on you for bigger issues too.
2. Avoid emotional Triggers
Don’t bring up things that you know will upset your partner during an argument just because you can. In order to feel a secure, trusting connection, your partner needs to know that you won’t go for the proverbial jugular whenever you have a disagreement.
3. Communication
During a time when you’re actively rebuilding trust it’s vital to communicate about issues both large and small. Keeping everything on the table and being transparent about your feelings will start to repair your secure attachment to each other.
4. Be Realistic
Take a deep breath before you react to your partner. If jealousy and mistrust have been a part of your relationship in the past, it seems natural to jump to negative conclusions. Stop and consider if any accusations or suspicions are realistic before you take action.
5. Take Your Time
Building trust in your relationship won’t happen overnight. If you expect major changes in just a short period of time, you’re setting yourself up for failure. Embrace the fact that this is a long journey, but you and your spouse will make it through together. If help is what your relationship need, don’t hesitate to seek out a couples counseling near you.
