Arguments are a natural part of every relationship. While you may not want to admit it, some arguments with your loved one may be more heated than normal, causing yelling, swearing, and loud, passionate statements on who’s right, and you probably believe that’s you. In fiery moments like these, storming out of fights can be more tempting and you might find yourself slamming the door on the way out or grabbing the keys and speeding away. Cooling off can be helpful, but storming out of a fight as a statement is never a good way to resolve any issue and is unlikely to make you or your partner any less revved up. This form of abruptly leaving and storming out sends messages to your partner that you may not even realize, potentially hurting both your partner and your relationship. Here are some ways your relationship might be damaged by you or your partner storming out when the going gets tough:
Stonewalling: It Only Escalates the Argument
Stonewalling is a simple but damaging reality in relationships that happens when one partner tries to work through an issue while the other person shuts down. You might know how painful it is when you’re on the other side of that figurative wall, trying to communicate with a distant partner. Once communication is cut off, the silence is what is deafening. Storming out of fights is a form of stonewalling, and when this wall is up, one partner will keep trying harder and harder to get through to the other. This might lead to the desperate partner following you out of the room or manifest as 20 missed phone calls after you leave home. It will escalate emotions on your partner’s side, making you more fired up in the long run. This process feeds into the conflict, keeping the relationship disconnected, even if that is not anyone’s attention.
Why Your Partner Feels Abandoned
Leaving your partner before you have come to a resolution or finish the conversation can make your partner feel very abandoned. If abandonment is one of your partner’s emotional triggers, this might cause harsh damage to creating a secure attachment. A sudden departure from the argument teaches your partner that you are not reliant when it comes to working through issues together and that you are likely to leave when times get tough. Here at Estes, we’ve heard many couples describe the experience of a partner that “always leaves when we fight”. You can feel the hurt in the other partner as they state this. Often, the partner leaving doesn’t even realize just how much it hurts, which is why it is so important that this is targeted so that both partners can come to an understanding of better ways to settle an argument.
News Flash! Storming Out Doesn’t Resolve the Issue
While it might seem obvious, if your partner walks out when you argue, it will prevent you from coming to a solution. You simply have to be together to resolve the problem at hand. If one of you leaves, you postpone the argument instead of ending it. Postponing gives you both more time to come up with jabs and leaves you stewing in your hurt, which is not only completely unproductive when it comes to the resolution but also far more painful. If your partner, husband, wife, boyfriend, or girlfriend walks out when you argue, you automatically leave off on a bad note. This means you will likely both still be annoyed, frustrated, and maybe even resentful when you come back together, and you will quickly realize that the time spent apart after storming out can only make matters worse.
We do want to reiterate that it is not always bad to fight and fighting is a normal part of relationships, but storming out of fights is not the answer. How you and your partner resolve these fights is crucial to the security of your relationship. Communicating is one of the most common challenges couples face across the board, but it is in moments when you disagree that communication is not only the hardest but the most important. While fighting may give you a chance to feel seen and be heard, you cannot hear the other person if you’ve left the room.
Leaving during a fight: Let’s Talk About It
While some arguments do escalate and you and your partner may both be looking for ways to calm down, communicating and talking things through, even briefly, is far more productive than storming out and is one of the best ways to keep your relationship healthy. Taking a negotiated break is a great way to approach time apart. Set a time limit, and promise to come back — and then follow through. For example, you can say “This is getting too heated. I need to go into the other room for 10 minutes before we both say something we regret.” This lets your partner know that a) you are committed to reaching a resolution and b) you’re not just abandoning him. Take your break time to cool down — not think of more comebacks — and go into the room with a calmer demeanor. This will prove to your partner that when you promise to return, you do. It also demonstrates that you are prepared to continue the conversation in a more level-headed and relaxed state than you were initially.
There are many reasons why your partner might be leaving when you are in an argument. They might feel overwhelmed and frustrated, and cooling down can happen way before the heat turns up. At your next argument, try to press the pause button and give your partner some space to breathe. Go slow. Calm your nerves so you don’t react in ways that push your partner’s buttons. If all else fails, schedule couples counseling to stop the ongoing cycle.
Learning more about conflict resolution in an argument can be incredibly helpful when it comes to alternatives to storming out. Here are some other resources to reference when it comes to navigating fights within your relationship:
Conflict Resolution: How to Fix a Fight in a Relationship
How to Make a Decision When You Disagree
Is your partner not giving you space to calm down? Here’s what to do next.
While this advice can be helpful in the heat of an argument, it is only possible to put it to use if your partner gives you the space you’re asking for. Rapid-fire comments may be headed your way and if communication is not always the strong suit in your relationship, your request may put them over the edge and frustrate them even more. At this point, you may find yourself cornered by a partner who won’t let up, and you’ve probably been holding your breath for a while. The thing is, you’re human too, so, BAM now you’ve got explosive emotions as well and now, you really need your space.
We are not here to tell you that it is not okay to walk out if it is what you need for yourself and your safety. If you need to calm your nervous system down and return to a more level-headed state of mind, communicating that with your partner will go a long way compared to walking out and saying nothing at all. Simply stating, “I need some space so I can better communicate with you” or, “I just need a moment to gather myself and come back ready to listen” will be less frustrating for a reactive partner. You must make it explicit that you are fighting to come back to them.
It is important to note here that if your partner does not grant you the respect of space that you are asking for, there may be more work that has to be done before they can really give you what you need. At Estes Therapy, we work with numerous couples on how to navigate arguments and anger with the people you love. At the root of such heated frustration is often the fear of abandonment as we’ve mentioned, but also the uneasiness that comes with not seeing eye-to-eye with someone you really care about. Recognizing these underlying feelings will alleviate so much tension, and couples therapy can help you get there. Next time you feel like storming out, consider what you’ve learned from this article and schedule an appointment with us to get more guidance!
