Let’s talk about sleep! Why? Well, you kind of need it. But you know what else is important for us human beings? Relationships! So when these 2 things overlap, there’s a lot at stake. Here at Estes Therapy, we work with a variety of relationship issues, and sleep (or lack thereof) is a topic that can negatively impact couples across the board. Sleep divorce, a term that doesn’t sound too dreamy, is an option for couples who struggle to get good rest in the same bed. In this article, we will make “Sleep Divorce” sound a little less like a nightmare and introduce how it can help improve your relationship without leaving you in the dark about the pros and cons of trying it out.
What is sleep divorce?
It’s not as harsh as it sounds. It is actually as simple as sleeping in separate beds. You and your partner can still be together while having separate sleeping arrangements. While sharing a bed has its romantic benefits, sometimes sex feels like a chore or you simply need your space to thoroughly enjoy your sleep. You might even be having some personal struggles with your own sleep hygiene and could use some time to get your sleeping pattern back on track. Couples have difficulty staying in the same bed for a variety of reasons – snoring, tossing and turning, sleep terrors, different schedules, insomnia due to anxiety… and that’s just to name a few. Are you dosing off after reading that lengthy list? It’s time to wake up! Couples attempt to resolve the problem but continue to struggle by staying in the same bed. This difficulty can be a simple issue with a simple fix.
Instead of overcomplicating the situation by forcing yourselves to cuddle up every night, a little nightly distance might just do the trick. Making the joint decision to sleep separately and improve sleep quality, otherwise known as sleep divorce, can actually be what keeps you together. If the term isn’t quite implying what you’d like, think of it as sleeping in two different locations with an intention to satisfy and do what is best for you and your partner’s health. Spending the night in different beds has been a commonality for couples for years, but the term is new in social media. The main agenda of sleep divorce is prioritizing the quality of sleep, while also bettering the quality of your relationship.
Now that we’ve discussed what sleep divorce is, we must explain what it is not.
Sleep divorce is not an impulsive decision made after a nasty nighttime argument. It is not when one person grabs their pillow and heads to the guest bedroom. It is not a wall built from disconnection. It is a clear and honest decision made by both partners to have healthy sleep and a better connection
With clear communication and a secure relationship, sleep divorce can be extremely healthy. The more secure a couple is in the relationship, the easier it is for the couple to feel connected when in separate rooms.
Can a sleep divorce improve your relationship?
Ummmm yes! Of course! Sleep divorce can improve your relationships drastically and make your connection with your partner happier and healthier. Sleep is an essential part of our overall well-being, especially with mental health. When people struggle with their sleep, they are unable to regulate emotionally, they have difficulty having patience with one another, resentment builds, and arguments increase, all of which cause a wedge in the relationship. The more rested the body is, the better people can regulate their emotions, have empathy toward others, and communicate more effectively.
What are the pros and cons of trying a sleep divorce?
Pros:
- Improve the relationship: Quality of life and the relationship will improve with a sufficient amount of rest. Being well-rested helps increase the ability to emotionally regulate, decrease irritability, improve mood, have patience with others, and problem-solve better.
- Intentional intimacy: Some couples have spontaneous intimacy in the bedroom, whereas separate slumber locations forces couples to make emotional and sexual intimacy a priority. Couples create intentional intimacy moments, such as drinking coffee in the morning together, and create intentional rituals for nighttime connection talks.
- Overall better sleep quality: When resting separately, individuals can create their own tranquility and bedtime routine without disruption from their partner. They can have quiet, create their rituals, and get some sound zzz’s.
- Prevents resentment: When rest is disrupted by a partner’s insomnia, snoring, or different schedules, resentment builds quickly. Sleep divorce prevents resentment from growing.
- Awareness of bigger issues: When sleep health is being addressed in relationships, one or both people may become aware of a bigger issue that impacts their rest. By using separate rooms at night, individuals can actively work on their insomnia, seek counseling for anxiety, get medical aid for sleep apnea, and get to the root of the issue with insomnia.
Cons:
- Shame: There is some shame around spending the night in separate beds and often couples hide the fact that they sleep separately. Shame will continue to grow. Remember how important it is to talk about it and acknowledge the sleeping dynamic as a normal part of their life. The more you talk about it, the more power you take away from the shame.
- Judgment: There is still a cultural expectation in the U.S. that if people sleep separately, there must be a problem in the relationship or the end is in sight. While it might be easier said than done. you have to remove societal expectations from what works for you and your partner. Be confident in your decision to rest separately! Communicate to each other about how it makes the two of you happy. Still getting eyerolls? Educate your friends and family about the positive outcomes! It will likely be helpful for them too.
- Lack of connection: Starting and ending the day with your partner is extremely bonding. Going to bed in the same room creates space for closeness, intimacy, spontaneous conversations, and connection. It is a sense of vulnerability and sleep divorce removes this element. You must now put an effort to find this vulnerability somewhere else in your day.
- Used for armor: Sleep is a vulnerable space for people and when in distress, and creating space, especially at night is often one of the quickest reactions people have when it comes to conflict- they storm out of the room to sleep in the guest bedroom as a statement of frustration or even leave the house to put a stop to fighting. Sleep divorce can gradually or abruptly come about as a result of hurt feelings and the goal is to create a barrier due to emotional pain. If a couple uses this method as armor from conflict and disconnection, it will only make things worse. Take caution when implementing this new routine, as it erodes the relationship connection quickly. Relationship insecurities will increase and conflict can worsen.
Any change in the routine of a relationship is risky, unfamiliar, and even scary. That does not mean the change won’t be incredibly beneficial in the long run. If you get anything out of this article, we hope you understand that implementing a difference in your relationship, even if it goes against the status quo, could end up being the best decision you make for the health of your relationship. As human beings who need adequate sleep to function, you and your partner could see a massive shift in your connection when the two of you are well-rested. When handled properly, sleep divorce can be extremely healthy for couples, but approaching it with an open mind and the best of intentions is crucial.
If you or your partner are considering making this change in your relationship, schedule an appointment with one of our therapists to help navigate through it and make the transition a smoother one!
