Is Sex a Chore? It Doesn’t Have to Be!

Is Sex a Chore? It Doesn't Have to Be!

How to change the way you see your sex life

Countless women across the world view sex as a chore and less of a special bonding time. When sex feels like a requirement or an expectation, the desire to be intimate can quickly dwindle away.  Not only can it feel like a job, the ongoing pressures and the mental “to-do” list over take the mind and become a prominent thought.  Even further, woman experience sex as a hassle, avoids the topic at all cost, is self conscious of their body, and/or dislikes the sexual act itself.  Does this sound familiar?

The physical bond of intimacy is the rawest form of feeling attached and connected for couples.  But what happens to relationships when sex feels like a job?  This job-like view of sex eliminates the special connection, it prevents women from enjoying the experience, and it builds distance between two people.  Good news, sex doesn’t have to be a job, work, or a chore!

Here are a few things you can do to make sex less of a chore:

  1. From “have to” to “want to:” Jobs have requirements, expectations, and deadlines.  Sex shouldn’t be a job, nor should it have the pressures of having to perform a specific way. Change your thoughts from “having to” to “wanting to.”
  2. De-stress….(with Sex): According to Laura Berman, Ph.D., on, she states, “When a woman is stressed, the hormonal changes in her body trigger a chemical reaction causing sex hormone–binding globulin to bind with testosterone cells, so they’re unavailable for libido and sexual response.” Let’s face it, many women face stress daily and it can get in the way.  Take time to de-stress and unwind.  Re-energize yourself by getting involved in daily activities you enjoy, take a nap, or go to the gym. Even better, try stepping out of the box and use sex to de-stress! “But when you have sex, you release feel-good hormones, including oxytocin and endorphins,” says James Coan, Ph.D.
  3. Mental Stimulation: Women aren’t known for having sex on their mind all the time.  Men are known for being more aroused with imagery. Researcher Andrey P. Anokhin states that, “Women have responses as strong as those seen in men.”   Shift your thoughts from it being a “job,” and imagine the excitement, the romance, and the sweet-spots of sex.
  4. Play: Sex doesn’t have to be monotonous.  Try adding in toys, foreplay, touching, and playfulness.  Don’t be afraid to try new things and be creative in the bedroom.
  5. Communicate: Couples build strong bonds through communication and creating a safe/secure emotional attachment. Communicate your needs, fears, and desires to your partner.  Share with your partner what you may need from them to help you redefine sex as fun and less of a job. Sue Johnson wrote the book Hold Me Tight and it addressed ways to create a secure attachment with your partner through communicating and creating safety.  Check it out the book and see what you think.
  6. Quit the job: If you don’t like sex being a job, there is a simple fix…Quit the Job and make it a hobby.

Women…if you struggled with sex in the past and you found a way to work through this issue, SHARE what helped you! Help other women and either start a chat about this comment in the Relationships In the Raw Forum or comment to this post.

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About Jennine Estes, MFT

Think of me as your relationship consultant, I'm your neutral third party that can help you untangle the emotions and help you figure out what's really going on. I am a Marriage and Family Therapist in San Diego, CA. Certified in Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples. Supervisor. I write relationship and self growth advice for my column Relationships in the Raw. Creator of #BeingLOVEDIs campaign. MFC#47653