The Psychology of Infidelity and Cheating: Why Do People Cheat?

Infidelity can be one of the most traumatic relationship experiences a person can have. Whether you have gone through it yourself or know someone who has, even if neither, it’s common for people to wonder, “Why do people cheat?”

It isn’t uncommon to hear of happy relationships suddenly wrecked by an affair or hear about one person or another having cheated in a previous relationship, now a warning story not to pursue them. It’s easy to blame the cheater for having some moral failing or a depraved and selfish person. While people can certainly be selfish, the psychology of infidelity is much more than an easy “they’re an awful person” answer.

In fact, there are several forms cheating can take, depending on the nature of the relationship and just as many reasons why a partner cheats.

Understanding Infidelity: The Different Forms Cheating Takes

When someone says “cheat” or “infidelity,” you likely imagine a sexual encounter outside of a monogamous relationship. While monogamy is the predominant form of romantic relationships, cheating can include a variety of betrayals that don’t include a monogamous relationship or sexual affair. For example, emotional infidelity is a deep emotional connection with someone outside of the relationship. In this type of infidelity, thoughts and feelings that are often reserved for a romantic partner are now shared with someone else.

It’s important to underline what emotional cheating is. In friendships and with family members, romantic partners may share thoughts and feelings they don’t with their romantic partner in the same way, like a safe space to vent or seek advice. This is not emotional infidelity. Think of an emotional affair as the relationship one would have with one’s partner or in a marriage minus the physical aspects. Putting that person first, sharing secrets with them that the spouse or partner isn’t aware of, seeking their attention, and giving them attention at the cost of their relationship are all examples of emotional affairs.

Different Types of Relationships

Not all relationships are monogamous, and it’s important to know that. Recently, polyamory and ethically non-monogamous relationships have become more mainstream; fewer partners expect monogamy, and it is less of a taboo topic to discuss when dating.

What does this mean for cheating?

This means that the definition of fidelity has changed. For the sake of this article, consider cheating as a behavior that violates the trust, the agreement made, between romantic partners. For example, in an open relationship, it could be not seeing a sexual partner socially and coming to find out that they’ve been attending dinner with them. In a polyamorous relationship, it could be not seeing someone romantically till after a partner has met with them as well.

Reasons Why a Partner Cheats: Common Reasons for Infidelity

Now that we have a grasp on the spectrum infidelity exists on, we can look at the reasons why someone would cheat. There have been many studies on why a partner would pursue sexual or emotional relations with another. While this isn’t an exhaustive list, it does provide the most common reasons (in no particular order):

Variety

In some cases, when a partner has sex with another person, it’s about the different person rather than the existing relationship, a kind of boredom with the routine. Many people who have committed adultery or cheated report, specifically more men than women, that the reason they cheated was to try something different and have grown bored with the sexual routine in their relationship.

Loss of Emotional Connection: Falling Out of Love

Sometimes, relationship infidelity is due to a problem in the existing relationship, a kind of symptom of a bigger problem. A lack of love or connection with a partner can sometimes lead to finding a temporary sense of one with someone outside of the relationship. You can think of this one as reliving the feelings of early dating, that exciting butterflies in your stomach thrill, and feeling wanted.

Situational Affair

When sex occurs without intent, this is a situational affair. Think of the person who went out with friends and, while inebriated, made an error in judgment. A common example is a business conference, where you get away from the daily routine and meet exciting new people with whom you share things in common professionally. Add to that mix alcohol, and it’s a recipe for mistakes.

Low Self Esteem

Feeling like you still “got it.” Some people actively pursue sexual relationships outside of their primary relationship as a way to validate themselves or boost their self-esteem. Feeling attractive and wanted by others can be a reason to find sexual relations elsewhere, especially when the romanticism of early dating is gone.

Angry With Their Partner

While it’s the top of the list, it is not the most common reason. Anger can play a role in an affair or marital infidelity, a way to punish a partner.

Sexual Desire

Lack of sex, mismatched sexual styles, and mismatched libidos can be reasons a partner looks elsewhere for sexual satisfaction. Think of it as a kind of caving into desire, like being on a diet for too long, and the ice cream has proven too irresistible. While this isn’t an excuse to cheat, it is a commonly reported reason among men and women.

Recovering From Cheating: With or Without Your Relationship

When a partner is unfaithful, it can be a shattering experience, and emotional reactions range from rage to grief to feeling as if you could never trust another person. Your feelings are valid and important to process and move through, whether you choose to continue or end the relationship.

There is no right answer for everyone, and we at Estes Therapy are here to help you find the right answer or to help you heal from the betrayal with affair counseling.

We work with many couples of all marital statuses, genders, and sexualities, as well as monogamous or consensually non-monogamous individuals in Oceanside or Mission Valley, San Diego, CA.

Connect with our Care Coordinator with a free 10-minute matching call, and let’s take the first step toward gaining the tools you need to put your relationship on the track you want and deserve.

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It’s been nearly 20 years since I first became interested in studying psychotherapy. I began practicing the scientific approaches to psychotherapy in 1997 and I was hooked from then on.

I earned my Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family psychotherapy in 2004 and I am currently licensed as a Marriage and Family Therapist MFT (LMFT#47653) with the Board of Behavioral Sciences (BBS).

I focus my practice upon the empirically-based and proven research methods of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).

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