Is My Partner Having an Affair? Couples Counseling Can Help

Is my partner having an affair

Do you have that gut feeling gnawing at you, telling you your partner is cheating? Are your alarm bells going off that something isn't right in the relationship? Here are 4 things to look for to help you know for sure if your partner is having an affair:

  1. Your Internal Alarms Are Going Off  – Do you have that sick-to-your-stomach feeling that something is just not right? Our intuition is there for a reason, and is rarely wrong. If your instincts are telling you something is off or your partner is having an affair, it might be right.  You may not be able to put your finger on it, but you need to trust your internal alarm system.  One sign that your partner is cheating is that you will instinctively know that something is off.  
  2. Hygiene and grooming changes – Does your partner look a little too good to be going to a yoga class? Maybe you’ve noticed they focus on getting ‘done up’ a little more than usual before doing tasks, such as going to a friends house.  Or you might have noticed your partner has been spending more money on new clothes and lingerie.  It is common that hygiene and grooming improves dramatically while people are courting outside of the relationship. This can include an increased effort with shopping, style, and overall appearances. If you have noticed the hygiene and grooming changes, this can be another sign that your partner is having an affair.
  3. Phone phobia – Did your partner’s iPhone passcode just mysteriously change from your anniversary date to another code for no apparent reason? Or do they hold their phone close to their chest when texting as you walk into the room? Does it seem that their phone attachment is over the top? Increases in technology use didn’t necessarily increase cheating behaviors, but they definitely altered how the cheating process can take place. Texting someone under a fake name or having hidden dating profiles are ways that people can engage with lovers outside of the relationship. In couples counseling, we believe in an ‘open phones’ rule- so that if a partner wants to see what is in their partners phone and asks permission first, they should be able to see it. If this request is met with defensiveness, or these other behaviors are present, this can be a red flag that your partner is having an affair.
  4. Disappearing acts- We all know that it shouldn’t take 2 hours to go to the grocery store, right? (Well, unless you are going to Costco on a Sunday). Cheating partners need to get creative about finding ways to escape the relationship to meet their mates. One thing to look out for is time that isn’t being accounted for.

If these signs are happening and you feel like your relationship is on the brink of a breakup, you need to know that every move counts right now. 

Each reaction and conflict that occurs will impact the relationship either positively or negatively. Get into therapy to address these issues as quickly as possible to ensure your relationship has the highest chance of success. Couples Therapy has been proven to help couples recover from cheating and affairs, however most couples unfortunately wait too long to get help. At Estes Therapy, we value both partners perspectives and help both feel seen, heard, and understood as we work towards healing together. Recovery from infidelity is possible, but noticing the problem is the first step. Don’t wait to reach out. We are already looking forward to meeting you.

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About Jackie Wielick

Jackie has worked at The Gottman Institute in Couples Services for four years, where she received significant exposure, training, and understanding of Gottman Method Couples Therapy. She also received training in Couples in Addiction Recovery, a program designed to target the needs of couples where addiction has come into their life, and Art and Science of Love Program Educator training, aimed towards training professionals in hosting the world-renowned Art and Science of Love Workshop.