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Steps on How to Repair and Pick Up After a Fight
Let’s face it: in the heat of an argument you can say things that are hurtful, passive aggressive, or downright untrue. So can your partner. That’s the bad news. The good news is that it IS possible to pick up after a big blow out and repair your relationship, restoring it to a healthy place.
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From an Emotionally Focused Therapy and Attachment Perspective - By Jen Zajac, MFT
There are some couples who fight explosively and often, and others who seem to rarely get into a heated argument. Perhaps you can recall separate relationships you have been in where each has had a different “fight dynamic”. Regardless of how you define what a fight is, we all at some point encounter conflict, or disagreements, in our relationships. If our emotional needs aren’t attended to, even the small things that get dismissed or “swept under the rug” can develop into larger issues later down the line. Merely avoiding a fight does not resolve conflict.
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How to Make it Work
Long distance love can be difficult, but it’s not necessarily a relationship death sentence. If you are really committed to someone, then there are ways to sustain your connection until you can live in the same city. Some couples maintain a long distance relationship for years, especially when professional opportunities don’t make it easy to get close. Here are some ways to stay connected to your loved one even when the miles keep you apart.
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When your partner brings up something that is bothering her in your relationship, it can be easy to put up a wall and start to defend yourself. But what if you took a deep breath and were careful about how you responded? Your partner is being vulnerable when she tells you something that hurt her, so shutting down with defensiveness will only teach her not to open up in the future. Here are some ways that you can learn to stop being defensive and own up to your own feelings and responsibility.
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Overcoming the Obstacles that Keep You Stuck
Many arguments between couples have fear at the heart. Whether it’s fear of abandonment, fear of being rejected, or a fear of falling apart – sometimes you can lash out at the person who you want to keep the closest to you. Even though the fight might look on the surface like it’s about something else, if you look close enough you can often find that some sort of fear is hiding just under the surface. By managing your fears, you can begin to calm the storm that has begun in your relationship and heal the wounds. Here are some tips for how to conquer the fear in your relationship so you can move into a healthy direction.
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Quick tips on how to stop fighting in a relationship
Arguments in relationships become a cycle — when a specific pain point or topic gets brought up, one partner gets defensive and the other pushes to get the point across. One partner might always flee, and then the other has to chase him. You might also experience arguments more when one person is exhausted after a day at work. These patterns become a comfortable cycle, even though they may be detrimental to your bond as a couple.
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We all experience love in different ways.
Like my #BeingLovedIs project has shown, what it means to be loved can be so different from one person to the next — and no one way is right. If you and your partner have different love languages, it can seem like you’re not on the same page. One or both people in the relationship might wind up feeling neglected, which will cause a crinkle in your bond. The best thing you can do is figure out which love language applies to you and get your partner to do the same. Once you know who you each receive love, you can start to best communicate your love for each other!
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Learning tools for Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD)
When you are living with a partner who has ADD, there are additional challenges above and beyond what the average couple will encounter on a daily basis. You might feel like your partner doesn't listen to you or can't really "see" you. Because your partner has difficulty focusing and may have trouble with organization or forgetfulness, you are bound to encounter situations where you ask for something from the store and he forgets, or you need help with a project but he walks away half-way through. When a long pattern of this occurs is where most problems occur. It can be easy to take your partner's actions personal, even though they are the result of the ADD, and not a reflection on how much he cares for you. If you don't treat the underlying issue, the ADD, it's easy to build resentments over years of forgotten birthdays, impulsive behavior, or distracted conversations.
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How Addiction Can Impact Your Bond
Any relationship has its bumps in the road, but addiction is a real road block that can cause your relationship to lose its secure attachment and pose real danger -- both emotional and physical. If you are the loved one of an addict, you may feel helpless, and torn between staying in the relationship or walking away. Many people who love addicts fear being an enabler, but also don't want to leave their partner in the cold. Substance abuse is a hard road, but with the right resources, when the addict is ready to get help you can get to the other side.
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Tools to Keep Your Grief From Breaking You Apart
Losing a child is quite possible the greatest pain you can experience in your life. The stress of the tremendous grief you must walk through is not only detrimental to your own personal mental health, but it can wreak havoc on your marriage. Men and women often grieve in opposite ways, and when you navigate through your pain differently than your spouse, sometimes it seems like you are in it alone. If you experience the unthinkable and lose a child, this is the time when you need most to turn to each other for support, even if your grief looks very different from your partner’s. Here are some ways to stay close as you go through the loss of a child.
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Why Opening the Door Can Bring You Closer
Do you have a family secret that you have been harboring from your partner? Is it fear or embarrassment that keeps you from revealing the secret? Sharing a heavy family secret, such as molestation or physical abuse, is not an easy topic to discuss with anyone, let alone the one you love the most. Strangely enough…rather than scare your partner off, revealing a deep secret can help couples grow emotionally closer and build a better bond for their future.
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How to make sure you don't adapt to unhealthy relationships
When I left America to live in Spain for a year, I couldn't always find toilet paper in the bathrooms. Something that most people in the US simply expect to be there could not be relied on, so I adapted. Everywhere I went, I kept tissue in my purse, and eventually it just became normal that I sometimes had to dip into my personal tissue stash. I learned to adjust to the situation. When I moved back to the United States, I had a reverse culture shock -- every bathroom had toilet paper and many also have paper towels. Something that I had thought of as "normal" and an expected convenience before I left for Spain suddenly took me off guard. I had a bit of "reverse culture shock" to something I knew was supposed to be there, but I learned to live without it.
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Steps to share your concerns about her choice
When you watch you friend in a relationship that is less than healthy, it can feel pretty helpless. If she actually declares that they're going to tie the knot, you will feel even worse. It's like standing on the curb together and watching as she starts to step into the street.
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It's more than just saying "I'm Sorry" -- and here's why.
Saying that you're sorry after you know you've done something wrong is often not an easy task. You may have a hard time finding the right words, or be worried that the other person will reject your gesture. Even if you're anxious, the worst thing you can do is just say a generic "I'm sorry" without any feeling or sincerity.
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Here is a mini-playbook of sorts. It doesn't include everything you need to know for a healthy relationship, but it's a good start.
Relationships are forever evolving, and every relationship is unique to itself. Each relationship you have in your life will be different in some way from any other relationship. Still, there are some basic rules to live by when it comes to relationships. Are you looking for some tenets to follow in your relationship?
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