Take a look at what John Gottman says can damage your relationship:
Harsh Start-up
You can predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first 3 minutes. If the conversation starts out with harsh tone of voice, negative words, criticism, or sarcasm, you are probably headed for an argument.
The Four Horsemen:
- Criticism: Using negative words about your mate’s character/personality. When criticism becomes pervasive, it paves the way for the other horsemen. Criticism often takes the form of blame.
- Contempt: Sarcasm, cynicism, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, hostile humor. Contempt is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust.
- Defensiveness: Defending and explaining your position and behavior. Defensiveness is another way to blame your partner and not take responsibility.
- Stonewalling: Avoiding a fight, disengaging. This stops resolution of the problem. A “stonewaller” acts as though he or she doesn’t care.
Flooding
This means that your spouse’s negativity is so overwhelming and so sudden that it leaves you shell-shocked. This feeling is often followed by stonewalling.
Body Language
Body language can be louder than words. This may include rolling eyes, arm crossing, lack of eye contact. Also, pay attention to blood pressure when feeling stressed.
Failed Repair
This is when the couple does not attempt to repair or is unsuccessful in the repair attempts.
Bad Memories
This includes: finding the past is difficult to remember and has faded away, memories of the negative, and forgetting the positive times together.
