Archive for sex
Sex Doesn’t Need to be a Job
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Sex doesn't have to be a job
Ladies….Sex Doesn’t Need to be a “Job”
Countless women across the world feel as if sex is more like a job and less of a special bonding time. When sex feels like a requirement or an expectation, the desire to be intimate can quickly dwindle away. Not only can it feel like a job, the ongoing pressures and the mental “to-do” list over take the mind and become a prominent thought. Even further, woman experience sex as a hassle, avoids the topic at all cost, is self conscious of their body, and/or dislikes the sexual act itself. Does this sound familiar?
The physical bond of intimacy is the rawest form of feeling attached and connected for couples. But what happens to relationships when sex feels like a job? This job-like view of sex eliminates the special connection, it prevents women from enjoying the experience, and it builds distance between two people. Good news, sex doesn’t have to be a job!
Here are a few things you can do to make sex less of a job.
- From “have to” to “want to:” Jobs have requirements, expectations, and deadlines. Sex shouldn’t be a job, nor should it have the pressures of having to perform a specific way. Change your thoughts from “having to” to “wanting to.”
- De-stress….(with Sex): According to Laura Berman, Ph.D., on www.msnbc.msn.com, she states, “When a woman is stressed, the hormonal changes in her body trigger a chemical reaction causing sex hormone–binding globulin to bind with testosterone cells, so they’re unavailable for libido and sexual response.” Let’s face it, many women face stress daily and it can get in the way. Take time to de-stress and unwind. Re-energize yourself by getting involved in daily activities you enjoy, take a nap, or go to the gym. Even better, try stepping out of the box and use sex to de-stress! “But when you have sex, you release feel-good hormones, including oxytocin and endorphins,” says James Coan, Ph.D. www.msnbc.msn.com.
- Mental Stimulation: Women aren’t known for having sex on their mind all the time. Men are known for being more aroused with imagery. Researcher Andrey P. Anokhin states that, “Women have responses as strong as those seen in men.” Shift your thoughts from it being a “job,” and imagine the excitement, the romance, and the sweet-spots of sex.
- Play: Sex doesn’t have to be monotonous. Try adding in toys, foreplay, touching, and playfulness. Don’t be afraid to try new things and be creative in the bedroom.
- Communicate: Couples build strong bonds through communication and creating a safe/secure emotional attachment. Communicate your needs, fears, and desires to your partner. Share with your partner what you may need from them to help you redefine sex as fun and less of a job. Sue Johnson wrote the book Hold Me Tight
and it addressed ways to create a secure attachment with your partner through communicating and creating safety. Check it out the book and see what you think.
- Quit the job: If you don’t like sex being a job, there is a simple fix…Quit the Job and make it a hobby.
Women…if you struggled with sex in the past and you found a way to work through this issue, SHARE what helped you! Help other women and either start a chat about this comment in the Relationships In the Raw Forum or comment to this post.
Other Articles:
- Coping with Stress in your Relationship
- How to Use Feng Shui for Love
- “Married to My Business Partner:” Tips to a Healthy Balance of Business and Love
Tips to Spice up the Bedroom Intimacy (Couples counseling is here to help)
Posted by: | CommentsWork, kids, dinner, cleaning, bills, errands, social life …the list is endless. One of our society’s theme for life is “keep working, keep doing.” It is very helpful for business, yet can creating more of a “routine” in the bedroom. Simply because life has a routine, doesn’t mean the intimacy needs to be on autopilot.
Here are a few tips to spice up the bedroom connection:
- Get out of Routine!! Surprise your partner by doing something out of the ordinary. If you meet him at the door with dinner, meet him at the door only wearing stilettos. If you have sex only in the morning, find a way to wake up in the middle of the night.
- Change your Role: Intimacy often comes with roles….make an effort to change your role to show your partner your interest. If your partner is the pursuer, make it your goal to pursue your partner.
- Change Locations. Sex shouldn’t have to be limited to one location and one position. Make an effort to change the location and do something out of the ordinary. If your intimacy is only consists of in the bedroom, find a way to bring it to new locations.
- Wear Lingerie: Dressing in sweats and long t-shirts to bed can be extremely comfortable, but it also doesn’t allow your partner to see your interest. This is not only for him, but for you as well. Feel sexy more often, while connecting in the bedroom.
- Start to Mind-Prep: Majority of men can become aroused simply be an image or thought. The downside is that women don’t function the same way! Many women have difficulty getting “in the mood” and need a little jump start. Start preparing your mind throughout the day to help you get in the mood.
- Slow-to-Warm: Many women need more to get them in the mood than just rubbing a special place. Partners need to understand that intimacy for many women starts in the morning with a kiss, continues through the day with stimulating conversation, and peaks in the bedroom. For some people, intimacy can be based off of connecting throughout the day.
- Ask About Needs: Your partner isn’t a mind reader and might not be able to know exactly what you want. Ask and show your partner what you like and what you want within the intimacy. Don’t forget to ask your partner about what they want and need in the bedroom.
Beat your relationships blues and create healthy communication. Another article that might be helpful: Rekindling Romance
Rekindling the Romance: Easy Ways You can get Your Relationship Back on Track
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We all know the story. On your wedding day, you are absolutely in love with your soon to be spouse. Most couples often feel a sense of absolute happiness, love, connection, and excitement. You may not look back on your wedding day with those exact feelings… but the next part of this story may sound more familiar. The bond probably seemed so tight that nothing could pull it apart…but, you learned otherwise. What happened to that bond after many years of routine and added responsibility such as children, work, bills, cleaning, health, and all of life’s other little obstacles? Somewhere the relationship got moved to the “back burner” and just surviving day-to-day life became the central focus. While you were living the daily American routine of working too much and trying to cope with Life’s ongoing struggles, the romance that sparked the marriage began to diminish.
I am going to teach you what you already know; marriage doesn’t have to be routine, boring and dry. It may not be easy, and it may not always be fun. How you experience saving your relationship often depends on…. Yes, you guessed it…You. Hopefully you and your significant other are both trying to fix things, but right now, this is about You. The following quick tips will help You get the romance to spark again:
- Flare-up the Flirt: Find ways to flirt with your partner and show him/her you are interested in connecting with him/her. Try to show your playful mood where you can and have fun and connect in a flirting way. Spice it up a bit…I dare you.
- Maintain the connection: We all know life gets busy… with late hours at work, taking kids to soccer practice, running errands, etc. Make your relationship a priority and schedule time each week alone together. Make this time together mutually enjoyable and a way to maintain your emotional connection. And yes…this means time away from the television. Create a time and place where there are no distractions and no responsibilities… just like it used to be.
- Slow it down: You are probably well known for giving, giving, and giving some more. But, by the end of the night, you find yourself so exhausted from your day that you no longer have any energy for your partner. An easy way to help fight this relationship killer is to slow down and find ways to rejuvenate and re-energize throughout the day. Not only will you save your own sanity, but the more energized you are, the more you can be available for your partner at the end of the night.
- Remember the past: Take a look back on how you used interact in your relationship. In the past were you overwhelmed with work and life? Or were you energetic, enthusiastic and ready to take on life’s challenges? Did you wait until 6pm to have a real conversation with your partner or did you call each other throughout the day? Think of what you used to do back in the good ol’ days and try to recreate some of those same themes.
If your relationship is missing the spark and you would like to build a healthier relationship, please visit My Website to schedule an appointment and learn more about how I work as a therapist.
Bedroom Messages: What message do you want to send?
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What messages do you send to your partner in the bed? Do you send the message that you are open for intimacy? Do you show that you care?
Take a look at what non-verbal messages you send to your partner. Think about how they might respond.
If you are finding that you and your partner aren’t conneting, you could benefit from therapy addressing sexual issues. Please contact me to schedule an appointment.
San Diego: Increase your Intimacy in the Relationship!
Posted by: | CommentsIntimacy is an all-encompassing word with sex being merely an offshoot. Intimacy is a substance that supplements the healthiest relationships by allowing partners to share their physical and emotional selves.
If you find it in yourself to be more emotionally intimate in your relationship, both you and your loved one will definitely reap the rewards in the bedroom! Here are the top ten ways to increase and upkeep intimacy in your relationship:
- Compromise when in disagreement. When you and your partner aren’t seeing things eye-to-eye take it upon yourselves to reach a happy medium you both can agree with. Ask each other, “What would make us both happy?”
- Spend a MINIMUM of 30 minutes a day focusing on your partner. Spend this time with your full attention honed in on your partner. This could take place at the dinner table, in the family area/living room with the T.V. off, cuddled in bed, etc. Eliminate interruptions such as children, roommates, and friends so you can take the time to find out how their day went and share how your day was.
- Plan a Date Night. Date night helps kindle intimacy. Get dressed up for one another, spend time focusing on one another, and laugh together.
- Empathize and Validate your partner. Make sure that when you are in disagreement to show empathy, monitor your tone of voice, and validate your partner by letting them know you don’t think they are “crazy” for how they feel.
- Show curiosity and interest in your partner. Showing interest and curiosity not only helps your partner feel important and special, but also entices them to do the same towards you! Imagine how great it feels when they intently listen to what you have to say, and do the same for your partner.
- Surprise your partner with an activity that the two of you can do together. Try hiking, picnics, board/card games, etc.
- Leave love messages around the house. Write things you admire about your partner on sticky notes and hide them in places you know he or she will find them.
- Point out all the positive. If you acknowledge and reinforce that which you appreciate about your partner, you will find they will eagerly repeat the desired behavior instead of feeling down from belittlement.
- Show your partner that you respect them. By listening, avoiding critical language, and decreasing your anger (intonation and context), you will show your partner that you have the utmost respect for their thoughts and feelings.
- Stop critical language. “You should…” “You must…” “You are too…” “You never…” “You always…” — all are examples of how we point our fingers at our partners while telling them they are not right. Give them a chance and let them carry things out the way they’d like to.
If you have tried all of these and feel as if there is not hope, Relationship Counseling can help you build the trust and intimacy back in your relationship. I want to help you get your relationship back on track. Please visit http://www.estestherapy.com/ or call me at (619) 471-7104 to schedule an appointment.
