Archive for relationship
Sex Doesn’t Need to be a Job
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Sex doesn't have to be a job
Ladies….Sex Doesn’t Need to be a “Job”
Countless women across the world feel as if sex is more like a job and less of a special bonding time. When sex feels like a requirement or an expectation, the desire to be intimate can quickly dwindle away. Not only can it feel like a job, the ongoing pressures and the mental “to-do” list over take the mind and become a prominent thought. Even further, woman experience sex as a hassle, avoids the topic at all cost, is self conscious of their body, and/or dislikes the sexual act itself. Does this sound familiar?
The physical bond of intimacy is the rawest form of feeling attached and connected for couples. But what happens to relationships when sex feels like a job? This job-like view of sex eliminates the special connection, it prevents women from enjoying the experience, and it builds distance between two people. Good news, sex doesn’t have to be a job!
Here are a few things you can do to make sex less of a job.
- From “have to” to “want to:” Jobs have requirements, expectations, and deadlines. Sex shouldn’t be a job, nor should it have the pressures of having to perform a specific way. Change your thoughts from “having to” to “wanting to.”
- De-stress….(with Sex): According to Laura Berman, Ph.D., on www.msnbc.msn.com, she states, “When a woman is stressed, the hormonal changes in her body trigger a chemical reaction causing sex hormone–binding globulin to bind with testosterone cells, so they’re unavailable for libido and sexual response.” Let’s face it, many women face stress daily and it can get in the way. Take time to de-stress and unwind. Re-energize yourself by getting involved in daily activities you enjoy, take a nap, or go to the gym. Even better, try stepping out of the box and use sex to de-stress! “But when you have sex, you release feel-good hormones, including oxytocin and endorphins,” says James Coan, Ph.D. www.msnbc.msn.com.
- Mental Stimulation: Women aren’t known for having sex on their mind all the time. Men are known for being more aroused with imagery. Researcher Andrey P. Anokhin states that, “Women have responses as strong as those seen in men.” Shift your thoughts from it being a “job,” and imagine the excitement, the romance, and the sweet-spots of sex.
- Play: Sex doesn’t have to be monotonous. Try adding in toys, foreplay, touching, and playfulness. Don’t be afraid to try new things and be creative in the bedroom.
- Communicate: Couples build strong bonds through communication and creating a safe/secure emotional attachment. Communicate your needs, fears, and desires to your partner. Share with your partner what you may need from them to help you redefine sex as fun and less of a job. Sue Johnson wrote the book Hold Me Tight
and it addressed ways to create a secure attachment with your partner through communicating and creating safety. Check it out the book and see what you think.
- Quit the job: If you don’t like sex being a job, there is a simple fix…Quit the Job and make it a hobby.
Women…if you struggled with sex in the past and you found a way to work through this issue, SHARE what helped you! Help other women and either start a chat about this comment in the Relationships In the Raw Forum or comment to this post.
Other Articles:
- Coping with Stress in your Relationship
- How to Use Feng Shui for Love
- “Married to My Business Partner:” Tips to a Healthy Balance of Business and Love
Coping with Stress and Relationship Conflict (Counseling Tips for San Diego)
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A man and woman are in the car coming home from dinner with their 3 year old asleep in the back seat. They get into the on-going discussion that goes in circles, gets them no where. They both become agitated because neither one feels heard, and the more they try to work out the issue, the more hurt and angry both become. They arrive home; husband goes upstairs to watch television to zone out and decompress. After putting the child to bed, the wife goes into the kitchen; she begins to clean dishes, she angrily thinks about how “he still doesn’t get it” and “how come he won’t simply come downstairs and talk to me.”
She is very upset and finds herself grabbing a bottle of wine and sitting on the couch. After a half hour or so, she is feeling pretty good. Absorbed in her movie and feeling the wine. She later finds herself eating a bag of chips. After the bottle of wine and bag of chips are empty, she goes to bed…No longer angry or upset. The next morning she begins to get upset, thinking to herself, “why did I do that?!” She feels horrible, a little hung over, and as if she ruined her weight loss diet. She begins to focus on all of her “shouldn’t haves…” for the night before, beating herself up internally. She later finds herself at the store, buying another expensive purse…
I describe this scenario to paint a picture of a pattern many women struggle with and continue to fall into. I will explain more simplistically. First, she feels hurt, upset, and as if her partner doesn’t understand her. The “not so good feelings” she experienced are “negative emotions.” And when she feels the negative emotions, she rapidly does a behavior to eliminate the pain. While doing the behavior, such as drinking and eating, the pain isn’t as bad, she feels tipsy from the wine, or might even feel great while eating the delicious chips. The problem here is that these coping behaviors are temporary. Later the next day, she feels terrible, guilty for drinking, hung-over, and ashamed for eating the chips. Continuing the pattern where she finds herself doing another behavior to eliminate the pain, such as shopping.
You don’t have to be trapped in this cycle. Take charge of your life and get pro-active. Here are a few steps to break this draining and exhausting coping cycle:
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Avoid Triggering Events: Stay away from specific events that you might know may trigger your cycle. Or learn how to prevent a triggering event from arising, through steps like improving communication with your partner.
- Be aware of your Emotions and how you react: Start to check in with your emotions. See how you feel and sit with your emotions; don’t try to make them go away. Instead, embrace your emotions and get comfort from your partner or a friend, instead of getting comfort from a bottle of wine.
- Change your Coping Behavior to a Positive Behavior: Change the coping behavior to something that doesn’t leave a sense of regret, such as writing, walking, exercise, etc.
- Write down your negative thoughts and feelings: Write your thoughts out to release your pain. This allows you a place to feel the thoughts and be pro-active at the same time.
- Avoid Critical and Judgmental thoughts: If you did fall into the coping pattern, don’t beat yourself up. Instead, tell yourself you are okay and you made a mistake.
- Get Comfort and Support: The coping behavior is there because your body is saying that you don’t feel good. Get soothed and comforted by your partner, friends, and family. If your coping behavior has turned into an addiction, seek professional counseling or help.
10 Top Tips Using Feng Shui for Love
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Where you live and work has an incredible effect on your health and well being. According to the EPA People on average; spend at least 87% of their time indoors. This is why creating peaceful and harmonious environments is so important. Here are some Feng Shui tips for your bedroom to make sure your environment is supportive and loving for your relationships.
1. Remove clutter
When you get rid of clutter, you are making room for romance. If you are single, create an empty space in your closet for a future lover’s things. If attached, make room in your drawers and closets so there is equal space for both you and your partner’s possessions. Remove items from past relationships
2. No TV or Exercise Equipment!
Keep the TV out of the bedroom. Any electronic equipment should be placed in the office or other area of the home. A TV in the bedroom is not conducive to romance. The bedroom is for lovin’ not work. A treadmill or workout machine in the bedroom makes your relationship exhausting.
3. Always have things in pairs
Replace mismatched night tables with a set to encourage equality in your relationship. Have a pair of lights show you want to share your life and home with your loved one.
4. Decorate your room in the right color
Shades of pink helps draw love to you easily and create a romantic mood. Red, used sparingly, can be a sexy, bold color that creates passion or help draw a new lover.
5. Check the statues and art in your bedroom
Replace any photos, sculptures or art of single people or figures. Replace them with happy couples. This simple change will help draw a wonderful partner! You should discard or put away photos and momentous of old flames. Gifts and anything with the ex’s energy on it, keeps new love at bay.
6. Bed placement
Having your bed up against a wall, pushes away your chance for love. You should have your bed positioned so there is enough space to walk on either side. Not in line with the door but being able to see the door as you sleep.
7. The size of your bed matters!
If you are single a single mattress is not a good idea or snoozing on a king size or single mattress doesn’t encourage romance. There’s too much space. Sleeping on a huge mattress won’t encourage intimacy. Invest in a full size or a queen. What’s under your bed affects your sleep.
8. Satin sheets
Think of sensual, soft, bedding when selecting pillows, sheets and comforters. Any type of bedding that creates a cozy environment is great for the bedroom
9. Rose quartz
Buy chunks of rose quartz, rose quartz hearts, rose quartz lamps and place them in your bedroom. This stone is known to draw love into your life, increase self love and help heal a broken heart.
10. Personal photos
Don’t display family and kid photos in the bedroom. This is said to hinder your sex life. Put them in the living or family room where they belong!
Set the mood – the mood in the bedroom is important too
Light scented candles, drape your lamps in sheer fabrics or lace. Keep lighting soft. Play romantic music.. Place “happy” photos of you and your honey on the dresser.
Amanda Collins is a Feng Shui Expert serving both residentials and corporate clients in San Diego. Learn more about her and how she works at www.sdfengshui.com or www.fengshuifusion.com.
Relationship Advice: How to Damage your Relationship
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- Dateless days: Relationships are like flowers; they need the frequent care of water, nutrients in the soil, and daily sun light. Relationships similarly can’t grow without frequent care of one-on-one time, such as date nights. The time of couples focused on one another, creating emotional connection and building a stronger connection in the relationship. Don’t forget to water the relationship with adding on Dates!
- Computer love: Electronics are becoming more and more part of the American routine; however, the technology of text messaging and internet can create a wall between two people. I often see couples sitting side by side out to dinner, yet they vanished away into their own individual electronic worlds. Technology is getting in the way and distracting them from the relationship.
- Friendship Focal Points: For social butterflies, socializing is key and very significant for maintaining relationships. The problem for couples is when either one or both people put more emphasis on friendships and don’t create a healthy balance. When friendship is the main focal point, then the relationship shifts to the peripheral vision.
- No “Check-ins:” Quite frequently, partners may hear different messages than what their partner is actually meaning to say. The problem is that the simple step of checking in is overlooked and then reactions take over, starting the communication war.
- Back Burner Choices: When life gets tough, substance (such as drinking, shopping, eating, etc) is used to help alleviate stress and take away the emotional pain. Unfortunately, the choice of substance automatically puts the other partner on the back burner…creating the feeling as if they aren’t willing to navigate through the rough times by the side of their partner.
- Unsafe Zones: Safety is the comfort of your partner knowing that they can rely on you, get comfort from you, and know the . When someone criticizes, gets angry quickly, speaks down to, or over looks your emotional needs, it can create the sense of “it isn’t safe and my needs won’t be met.” This tends to push away partners and have them get comfort on their own or look for it in other ways.
- Avoiding Tough Topics: Many people avoid tough discussions with their partner as a way to keep the relationship tightly connected; however it doesn’t create space to resolve issues. The partner on the receiving end may feel as you “go away” or “don’t care,” creating a feeling as if they have to hold on tighter, cling on, and get you to open up…which can actually push you further away.
- Email Snooping: An insecurely attached relationship can feel terrible, with fear and overly concern with what the other person is doing. Some partners take it upon themselves to do the investigation and search through emails to either confirm or deny their worst fears…a way to get comfort for their worry. The problematic part of this email snooping is that the insecure attachment does not get resolved, and the distress in the relationship becomes magnified.
- Holding on Too Tight: When the attachment is not secure, it can create a terrible feeling of fear of losing the relationship. Some people may want to feel secure and take away the discomfort by holding on very tightly and squeezing their partner extremely hard that they can’t breathe. When the holding is too tight, the partner on the receiving end will need to take a breath of air by pulling away….and the cycle of keeping the relationship insecurely attached continues.
- No Follow Through: Many people tell their partner one thing, and then do something different. For example, saying that you will be home by 6:00pm and then come home at 7:00pm. No follow through shows your partner that they can’t rely on you.
- Infidelity: An affair on the side WILL damage the relationship…duh.
If you want to work on creating a healthy attachment in your relationship, give me a call. Please visit my main San Diego Therapy site to schedule an appointment.
Tips to Spice up the Bedroom Intimacy (Couples counseling is here to help)
Posted by: | CommentsWork, kids, dinner, cleaning, bills, errands, social life …the list is endless. One of our society’s theme for life is “keep working, keep doing.” It is very helpful for business, yet can creating more of a “routine” in the bedroom. Simply because life has a routine, doesn’t mean the intimacy needs to be on autopilot.

Here are a few tips to spice up the bedroom connection:
- Get out of Routine!! Surprise your partner by doing something out of the ordinary. If you meet him at the door with dinner, meet him at the door only wearing stilettos. If you have sex only in the morning, find a way to wake up in the middle of the night.
- Change your Role: Intimacy often comes with roles….make an effort to change your role to show your partner your interest. If your partner is the pursuer, make it your goal to pursue your partner.
- Change Locations. Sex shouldn’t have to be limited to one location and one position. Make an effort to change the location and do something out of the ordinary. If your intimacy is only consists of in the bedroom, find a way to bring it to new locations.
- Wear Lingerie: Dressing in sweats and long t-shirts to bed can be extremely comfortable, but it also doesn’t allow your partner to see your interest. This is not only for him, but for you as well. Feel sexy more often, while connecting in the bedroom.
- Start to Mind-Prep: Majority of men can become aroused simply be an image or thought. The downside is that women don’t function the same way! Many women have difficulty getting “in the mood” and need a little jump start. Start preparing your mind throughout the day to help you get in the mood.
- Slow-to-Warm: Many women need more to get them in the mood than just rubbing a special place. Partners need to understand that intimacy for many women starts in the morning with a kiss, continues through the day with stimulating conversation, and peaks in the bedroom. For some people, intimacy can be based off of connecting throughout the day.
- Ask About Needs: Your partner isn’t a mind reader and might not be able to know exactly what you want. Ask and show your partner what you like and what you want within the intimacy. Don’t forget to ask your partner about what they want and need in the bedroom.
Beat your relationships blues and create healthy communication. Another article that might be helpful: Rekindling Romance
Control in the Relationship and the Opposite Effect
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Several summers ago my husband I went to a local ski resort (yes, in the summer) where we went up the lifts, and then down the tails on our mountain bikes. It was a beautiful vista, with a bright clear sky, wind blowing at our face, and nature surrounding us. It was a beautiful day. Then my husband pushed me to my limits…by having me ride my mountain bike down narrow and rocky trails. I was terrified. I was afraid of getting hurt, so I tried my best to control the bike and the speed. The faster I went, the more fear I felt, and the more I tried to control the speed. The more speed, the more I had to use the brakes. Well, the more breaking you do going down a steep mountain with rocks, the more dangerous it becomes. I learned quickly…the more breaking, the more the bike seemed out of control.
I share this story to illustrate a common theme I see in relationships. The more we try to control uncomfortable situations, the more dangerous they become.
When we get worried or afraid of getting hurt, we often then try to control the situation. The reality is that the controlling usually causes the opposite response. The more I tried to be in control going down the mountain, the worse I got hurt. However, once I relaxed, maintained my momentum, and let the bike do it’s thing, the smoother the ride became, and likewise, the safer I became. Weird, huh?
Attempts at over controlling a relationship or personal goal can take many forms. For example; gaining weight…the more we try to control it, the harder it becomes to loose weight. The more we try to get our partner to take out the garbage when it becomes full, the longer it will sit there. The more we try to get our partner to stop drinking, the more they drink. The more you tell me to eat chocolate cake every day, the more I will refuse (even though I love chocolate cake). Are you catching on?
Relationships require guidance, not control. Let the relationship take its course. Influence the relationship, guide it where you want it to go, and have a voice, but avoid trying to over control by telling your partner how, when and what they need to do. In my couple’s therapy sessions, I frequently run into this issue. Another pattern I see is that no matter how much control and hurt that goes on, couples continue to repeat the same behavior. Learn how to break the cycle and let go of controlling the relationship. Relationships should be easy, not a challenge. Don’t try to control the speed, simply be there and learn how to influence your partner and guide the relationship down the rocky mountain. Remember why you decided to have the experience, and remember to relax and enjoy the view.
If you are having problems with control in your relationship, couples counseling could help. Visit my San Diego Couples Therapy website to schedule an appointment.
Rekindling the Romance: Easy Ways You can get Your Relationship Back on Track
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We all know the story. On your wedding day, you are absolutely in love with your soon to be spouse. Most couples often feel a sense of absolute happiness, love, connection, and excitement. You may not look back on your wedding day with those exact feelings… but the next part of this story may sound more familiar. The bond probably seemed so tight that nothing could pull it apart…but, you learned otherwise. What happened to that bond after many years of routine and added responsibility such as children, work, bills, cleaning, health, and all of life’s other little obstacles? Somewhere the relationship got moved to the “back burner” and just surviving day-to-day life became the central focus. While you were living the daily American routine of working too much and trying to cope with Life’s ongoing struggles, the romance that sparked the marriage began to diminish.
I am going to teach you what you already know; marriage doesn’t have to be routine, boring and dry. It may not be easy, and it may not always be fun. How you experience saving your relationship often depends on…. Yes, you guessed it…You. Hopefully you and your significant other are both trying to fix things, but right now, this is about You. The following quick tips will help You get the romance to spark again:
- Flare-up the Flirt: Find ways to flirt with your partner and show him/her you are interested in connecting with him/her. Try to show your playful mood where you can and have fun and connect in a flirting way. Spice it up a bit…I dare you.
- Maintain the connection: We all know life gets busy… with late hours at work, taking kids to soccer practice, running errands, etc. Make your relationship a priority and schedule time each week alone together. Make this time together mutually enjoyable and a way to maintain your emotional connection. And yes…this means time away from the television. Create a time and place where there are no distractions and no responsibilities… just like it used to be.
- Slow it down: You are probably well known for giving, giving, and giving some more. But, by the end of the night, you find yourself so exhausted from your day that you no longer have any energy for your partner. An easy way to help fight this relationship killer is to slow down and find ways to rejuvenate and re-energize throughout the day. Not only will you save your own sanity, but the more energized you are, the more you can be available for your partner at the end of the night.
- Remember the past: Take a look back on how you used interact in your relationship. In the past were you overwhelmed with work and life? Or were you energetic, enthusiastic and ready to take on life’s challenges? Did you wait until 6pm to have a real conversation with your partner or did you call each other throughout the day? Think of what you used to do back in the good ol’ days and try to recreate some of those same themes.
If your relationship is missing the spark and you would like to build a healthier relationship, please visit My Website to schedule an appointment and learn more about how I work as a therapist.
Going to Bed Angry: A therapist’s thoughts on this idea.
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A commonly known advice for relationships is for couples to never go to bed angry. This idea has such a great value. It addresses the idea of how couples may feel if going to bed angry, such as feeling emotionally disconnected and unattached, or fear of having unresolved issues getting in the way. This advice is absolutely a great and valuable tool for staying connected and securely attached to your partner. Think about it…going to bed angry in the relationship can create a terrible feeling; it can keep people up all night, have terrible sleep, or many other painful experiences. For many couples, this advice is perfect for their relationship. Obviously, I am a therapist and I truly believe in resolving any and all conflicts, but this doesn’t work for everyone.
Couples faced with relationship conflict often attempt to resolve the issue to the best that they can. When in conflict, couples try to resolve the issue through continuous fighting, arguing, and then resulting into a more damaged relationship. Damaging a relationship is far more dangerous than going to bed angry.
The bigger issue is for those who keep trying to resolve an issue, and it keeps getting worse, escalating, and turning into a big disaster. Going to bed without the issue resolved might actually protect the relationship. Many people don’t see it this way, nor does it feel like that from the person on the receiving end. On the receiving end it might feel as if your partner doesn’t care, as if they give up on the relationship. But as a matter of fact, this might be a wise thing to do. It can protect the relationship from getting out of hand. If you have seen your relationship escalate in times of disagreement, then maybe taking a break, falling asleep, and addressing the issue when you are less emotionally reactive might actually benefit your relationship.
Remember, sometimes going to bed angry really isn’t that bad.
If you are struggling in your relationship and you live in San Diego, visit my main website to schedule an appointment for Marriage Counseling.
Financial Stressors: Keeping Your Relationship Strong in a Recession
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Many people are worrying about finances and are facing economic struggles. Quite frequently when finances drop, so does the relationship satisfaction. Don’t be part of that. If your bank account is dwindling, it is more important than ever to keep your relationship strong.
Keep your relationship strong while your finances are in stress:
- Be sensitive to your partner. You partner may be just as worried about finances as you are. Be sensitive to your partner’s feelings and try to understand them.
- Re-direct your anger. Be upset about the situation, not at your partner. Often people let out their feelings onto their partner. Let your stress and anger out in a healthy place, such as at the gym, or journaling.
- Free Dates. Don’t stop your relationship simply because your finances are stretched. Find free and creative dates, such as picnics, hiking, candle-lit dinners, etc.
- Create a plan. Create a strategy plan with your partner on how you two will be coping with the financial stressor. Get on the same page about your financial plan.
Are you struggling in your Relationship? If you live in San Diego and would like to work on improving your relationship, visit my Therapy Website to schedule an appointment.


