Archive for communicate
“How to Make a Decision When We Disagree?” Couples Advice
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What should we do when we both feel right when we disagree? How should our disagreement be handled while making a decision? These questions are common….especially since “most marital arguments cannot be resolved,” stated by John Gottman in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. To make a decision when both partners disagree is an issue I continue to see in my therapy practice.
I’m sorry to say that there isn’t a magic-wand to correct the issue, but there are a variety of things you two can do to come to a decision without creating conflict! Here are a few quick tips on making a decision:
- Rate it: Take a step back and evaluate how important the decision actually is to you. Rate how important the issue is on a scale 1-10 (1= not important at all, 5= Neutral, 10= extremely important). This will help you determine if it is worth fighting for or to leave it alone. And if you find that you are passionate about most decisions and every issue is rated high, this is your hint to take a deep look within. The more “right” you have to be, the more it influences your partner to fight to be heard.
- Flip-Flop Decisions: Instead of battling out making decisions, take turns on who gets the last say. Rotating the decisions creates a feeling of being more connected because both people get turns and a chance to lead the relationship.
- Figure out the Underlying issue: Ask your self , “Why is it so important to have the last say?” Is it because you simply need your partner to hear you or to validate you? Is it because you may feel powerless and fighting for just this one issue gives you more validity in the relationship? Or is it because you want to know that you have value and needed by your partner? Your “head strong” approach can send a negative message to your partner and not address what the underlying reason is. Understand why the issue is so important and share it in a clear manner. The more direct, the better.
- Communicate! If you have read any of my other articles, you probably have learned that I am a BIG fan of communication. Try to discuss the importance of the issue in a calm manner. Speak up and share the significance without a “tone” and avoid biting your tongue. The less “avoiding,” the better your partner will understand the impact it has on you. If you are “head strong,” try to share with your partner the importance without it coming out as “anger” or “frustration.” It is important that you both feel validated and heard, so take time to share and validate one another. The book Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love
by Sue Johnson can help you learn how to communicate and build a healthy bond.
- Team: Don’t forget that making a decision of “who gets the last say” is still team work. Give reassurance to your partner and try to support one another while handling the difficult decision. Relationships can’t win if there are two opposing teams!
- Avoid Win/Lose Concept: Avoid trying to battle simply to have victory and your partner has defeat. “Team” quickly becomes non-existent and the power struggle will keep your relationship in an uneven pattern of one-up and one-down type of relationship.
- Avoid Bottling Up Resentments: As humans, we face making decisions on a daily basis. Sometimes people “bottle up” emotions of ongoing compromises they have done. Have you compromised too many times and this time you just won’t cave? The more “bottling up,” the more it creates pressure, resentments, and resistance to finding a middle ground. Instead of waiting for the next conflict, begin working on letting the steam out and share what bothers you. The less the bottling, the less pressure things will come out when you address the issue.
And if that still doesn’t work, then draw straws, flip a coin, or use the Magic 8 Ball!
What helps you and your partner make a decision? Share your tips here!
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Jennine Estes is a Marriage and Family Therapist in San Diego. To learn more about her therapy services or to schedule an appointment, visit her San Diego Couples Counseling website or call 619-471-7104.
Other Helpful Articles:
Healthy Communication in Relationships: What does that mean?
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Couples frequently come for psychotherapy saying that they want “healthier communication.” But what does that really mean? All of these high functioning, business oriented, goal driven couples communicate to one another; they talk, express how they feel, and continue to discuss ongoing issues. They tend to regurgitate the problem over and over, they reshape the way they say things, they shift their perspective, and they constantly try various ways to explain their side. Communication is exactly what they do, but the bigger question is what do they accomplish? Learning how to communicate is too broad of an issue….healthy communication is about narrowing in, taking a deeper look at the interactions within each partner, and understand how the couple interact together. From a therapeutic stance, it is about eliciting the underlying issues and emotions, gaining insight and awareness of the patterns, and changing the dynamic of the relationship. It has nothing to do with the English language, and has everything to do with the relationship patterns.
Healthy relationship patterns + expressing emotions = Healthy Communication
Do you want to have healthy communication in your relationship, visit my San Diego Therapy Website to schedule an appointment.
Body Language Speaks Louder than Words
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Have you ever wondered why your partner keeps hearing something totally different from what you are saying? The message you are sending may be very different from your words. In his book Silent Messages, Dr. Albert Mehrabian says that the majority of communication is through body language and tone of voice, not what is said. He calls it the “7%-38%-55% Rule.” Fifty-five percent of other people’s reactions to you are based on your facial expression, 38% based on your tone of voice, and only 7%of their reaction is from the words you are actually saying. While we usually know what we are saying, often we do not know what other messages we are sending through body language. Want to find out?
Be aware of your body language while you communicate with your partner. Do you appear to be interested, engaged in what your partner has to say? Or are your arms crossed with an eye brow raised, looking disgusted even while you are trying to say in words, “I care about what you are saying.” If the words you use conflict with your nonverbals – that is, your body language and tone of voice – your partner will believe the nonverbals every time.
Recognizeing Unwanted Behaviors: How our childhood experience effects our adult life
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During the holidays, I was sitting with my 3 year old nephew on my lap reading him a book. After reading the story, he proceeded to get off my lap, grab another book, and sat across from me. He rapidly flipped through the pages mumbling phrases and words as if he was reading the book, and as if he were a teacher, turning the book around to show the pages. While watching him present each page, I began to think about how frequent he watches a teacher sit in front of the class, read a page, and then share the picture pages with the class. My guess is he sees his teacher read one to two times a day, 5 times a week, for the past 8 months.
If we take my nephew as an example, he just watched and absorbed the teacher’s behavior that he has watched for only 8 months. Now, take your own experiences as children. We watch our parents when they get upset, feel anger or sadness, and communicate with others. We learned from watching our parental figures daily, for many hours a day, and for 7 days a week. We absorb behaviors similar to our parent’s behaviors. We watched them express anger, communicate, cope with stress, and more. The things we saw as children influence our reactions in our current relationship. Similarly to my nephew, we replicate behaviors that we watched growing up.
Take a look at the behaviors you took on from your parents. Do you shut down like your father when you get upset? Do you drink alcohol to calm your nerves, just like mom? Do you avoid conflict at all cost, similarly to how dad avoided conflict? Do you leave, just like your father left you?
