Relationships in the Raw: Tips to build healthy communication

Self-esteem and confidence is basically an overall opinion of you and can impact daily experiences. Our level of self-esteem virtually affects all areas of life; the type of people you attract, your career building, your relationships, and other important areas.

People with an unhealthy self-esteem can often send a vibe that other people can pick up on. Imagine a woman sitting in a coffee shop; she constantly thinks of herself as unattractive, not good enough, and worthless. She feels down and overwhelmed. She compares herself with others. How does she appear? Does she sit tall or does she slightly slouch down and avoid eye contact? What type of vibe would she be sending? How would she present herself at work? Would she speak up in a conference or would she doubt her abilities? Now, take that same woman, but with a healthier self-esteem. She is aware of her potentials and her weaknesses, when she makes a mistake she doesn’t get down on herself, and she values and respects herself. She has less doubts about herself and she knows what she is able to do. How would she present herself? What would be different? With both examples, the woman hasn’t physically changed, but her self-image, the people she attracts, and how she behaves is probably severely different.

Having a healthy self-esteem impacts all areas of life and the people you attract. Creating a higher self confidence is a complicated area and can require a shift in your perceptions and thought processes. If your self-esteem is lower than you would like it to be, there is hope! Here are a few things you can do on your own to build your self confidence and create a healthier self-esteem:

Retrain your Brain: Our brain can get used to thinking negatively, questioning our capabilities, doubt the possibilities, and worry. Your brain is probably trained and used to thinking with doubts and worry. Retrain your brain by thinking positively and accepting who you are with Positive Affirmations. When you first start retraining your brain, it will feel awkward and strange…but that is the point. You will be doing something new! Some examples of positive thoughts: “I know what I am doing,” “Nothing is wrong with me,” “I will be fine,” “I have a lot to offer.” Tweak these to focus on the areas you have difficulties. This is probably the most important aspect of building a stronger sense of self. Work on this daily. Accepting who you are will help develop a healthy self-esteem.

Take a History Inventory: Review your history and take a deep look at the messages you got growing up. Did you get the message that you can accomplish anything you put your heart to? Or were you given the message that you have to be extremely careful at what you do and that you might mess up? Where you compared to your siblings or friends? Often times the messages we received growing up can severely impact our core self. Be more aware of the past messages and take a step to correct them.

Build a New Inventory: Prove your negative thoughts wrong by accomplishing the tasks that you doubt. Take a risk. If you think that you won’t ever be able to get organized, make it a goal. Prove yourself wrong. The more you prove your fears and thoughts wrong, the more it will make a corrective experience.

Notice what you have: Avoid comparing yourself with other people. Comparing will only point out what you “don’t have,” rather than noticing what you “do have.” Begin training your brain to notice what you have, what you do well, and avoid comparing yourself to others. You will never be the other person, so start accepting who you are as a person.

If you are struggling with an unhealthy self-esteem and want to make some changes, please contact me to schedule a therapy appointment.

Saying Good-Bye to Critical Thoughts
Summer’s on its way and for San Diego that means it’s a time for beaches, barbeques, and fun in the sun! Many of us find ourselves making healthy decisions like switching to water instead of drinking soda, exercising a couple more times a week, or resisting the urge to eat that second sliver of cake while others sometimes make unhealthy–potentially dangerous–choices in a rush effort to shed those lingering holiday pounds: skipping meals, crash dieting, or running on the treadmill until being on the verge of collapse. Body image is important to most everybody–a fact that is felt even more so in a city known for having beautiful people.
Images seen in magazines of people who have been either professionally trained or surgically sculpted can inadvertently create a sense of anxiety which spurs harmful critical thoughts. Some examples of critical thoughts include the following:

-“I am fat. I HAVE to lose weight.”
-“How come everyone else can lose weight, but I can’t?”
-“I will only be happy if I lose weight.”-“I NEED to go on a diet.”

Absolute phrases and words such as have to, only if, must, and need are key signs critical thinking is plaguing our minds. Critical thoughts can also manifest themselves in the form of seemingly innocuous little phrases that we automatically tell ourselves every day. For example, “I should have…” or “Why didn’t I…?” or “I needed to…” are ways we criticize our past decisions (or lack thereof) in an effort to take control of them today. In some cases critical thoughts can do the exact opposite of the action they’re meant to reinforce, causing us to give up on our goals when the self-imposed “need to” and “have to” extremist goals aren’t met. This outcome is aided by the fact that most of us use critical thoughts in attempt to drive ourselves up the ladder of achievement with relentless, oft times self-depreciating talk laden with rigid goals and unrealistic parameters: one can’t expect to burn five pounds a week simply by chanting critical thoughts in their head–action must be taken.

To avoid setting up for failure, we should focus on learning to nurture and care for ourselves and our goals, appreciating the process of achievement instead of setting our sights solely on the outcome. Finding a way to validate our frustrations without the use of critical thoughts and being able to recognize the critical thinking when it hits us in tandem with the ability to decrease both their frequency and impact is key to removing mental roadblocks that prevent us from being where we want to be.

Steps to Stop the Critical Thoughts:

- Recognize the critical thought: Critical thoughts can rear their ugly heads up to 15 times within half an hour. Note that absolutes and directives such as must, have to, need, and always. Being able to see something that is engrained in our psyche can be difficult at first, but practice will lead to you eventually being able to see the negative critical thoughts so you can block them out altogether!

- Neutralize the power of the critical thought: You’ve identified the thought as being critical, now understand that is self-depreciating, negative, and unrealistic. By seeing these traits within the statement, you will be assisted in seeing the critical thought’s value for what it’s worth—absolutely nothing.

- Counter the critical thought by providing yourself with nurturing and validation: Tell yourself phrases such as “There is nothing wrong with me .” or “I am doing a good job.” Saying simple things like, “I did my best.” And “I’m getting there.” Are ways of telling yourself that you’re enduring and enjoying the experience the road to achievement is putting you through. Self-talk that reflects back on what you’ve accomplished as opposed to dwelling too much on what you’ve yet to gain help keep you in the moment and prevent you from being overwhelmed by a goal that may yet be a ways off.

- Notice the replacement positive behavior: Critical thoughts will always reside somewhere in your brain, but now you have a grasp on positive reinforcement and gradually the negative self-talk will be replaced with inspiring, success-oriented thinking. Eventually your mind will automatically conjure positive reinforcement in lieu of the damaging critical thinking.

Remember, it is perfectly acceptable to admit defeat (“Yes, it does hurt” or “I keep beating myself up”). Honestly validating why you’re not satisfied with where you’re at helps you naturally transition into a more well-adjusted state instead of trying the miracle method of instantly feeling better.

Quick Tips for Whipping Your Thinking into Shape

· Don’t set unrealistic goals
· Avoid influences that spur critical thoughts (magazines, celebrity news shows, etc.)
· Become aware of what the words you telling yourself really mean: know that “shoulda, coulda, woulda” was yesterday and “I will.” is a promise.
· Don’t invest your expectations too much into the end result which leads to anxiety and automatic failure–be sure to enjoy the ride getting there.
· Notice critical thoughts, and counter them with nurturing ones.
· Yesterday’s gone; tomorrow isn’t here yet; focus on The Now.

Premarital counseling is a preventative tool, a way to maintain a healthy connection in the relationship and create a lasting commitment through effective communication. Relationships are an investment: the more you put into it, the more it will grow and mature. The more it grows and matures, the more you get out of it. Because statistics show that nearly 50% of marriages end in divorce (US Census Bureau, February 2002), premarital counseling can help couples avoid becoming part of that percentage.

What to expect in Pre Marriage Counseling:
Depending on the therapist, most counselors will explore many aspects of the relationship. Some of the areas addressed are conflict resolutions, communication styles, intimacy, family/family-in-law issues, financial issues, and more. As a therapist, I help my couples understand how they interact, ways to be more effective in communicating, and how to continue growing in the relationship. Most of my premarital counseling sessions are short-term, lasting about 2 to 4 sessions, yet other couples may require a longer amount of time, depending on the issues.

Thinking about Premarital Therapy? If you are thinking about counseling, here are my recommendations in finding a therapist.

Finding a Premarital Therapist:
1. Interview the Therapist: Ask the psychotherapist what their specialty is and the experience they have working with premarital counseling. This is your time to interview and weed out the therapists that you do not like. The internet is a popular place to look for psychotherapists: take a look at their photos, review their websites, and learn other information about them.
2.Contact 2 to 3 Counselors: Contact 2 to 3 therapists and do the interview process. Take notes and keep track with the one you feel the most comfortable with. Marriage and Family Therapists (MFTs) are specialized in relationships and communicating. I highly recommend using a therapist specifically trained in relationships.
3. Comfort with the Therapist: While interviewing the therapist, the most important thing to keep in mind is your comfort level. Do you feel comfortable speaking with the therapist? Do you feel like the therapist understands you and can provide what you want?
4. Fees: Be honest with yourself and determine what you are willing to invest in the relationship. I feel like the relationship is the foundation, and everything else is positively or negatively impacted by it. If you can’t afford a therapist’s fee, ask if they have a sliding scale (a lower fee slot) or if they have any recommendations.

Stress and Anxiety can come in many forms and can be difficult to deal with on a daily basis. You might notice it impacting how you work, the way you parent, or even the way you communicate in your relationship.

Imagine a balloon that is not inflated. And think about when the balloon gets inflated with air, it begins to get bigger and bigger. If you don’t let out the air, it will explode. This is exactly how our emotions are! We all have an “emotional balloon” where we store our emotions. Some people know how to release the air to prevent the balloon from overflowing and popping. And other people will continue to put their emotions into this balloon and it will occasionally pop. The popping may look like crying, anger/violence, irritability, headaches, change in sleep, reactivity, anxiety, and much more. Focus on letting out the air before the balloon pops.

Stay Connected to your partner!  Make your relationship become more manageable through your communication.  Healthy communication creates a healthy and lasting partnership.  Learn how to improve your communication in marriage counseling.  Click here to schedule an appointment with Jennine Estes, Marriage and Family Therapist Intern.  

Hello There!  I am a Marriage Therapist intern located in San Diego helping couples improve relationships and increase communication.  I work with couples, marriages, pre marriage counseling, individual psychotherapy, and more.

I am a Marriage and Family Therapist Intern IMF#47211, Supervised by Mark Kaupp, MFC#33213.

Please visit my website for more information! 

 Jennine E. Estes

Have you ever wondered why your partner keeps hearing something totally different from what you are saying? The message you are sending may be very different from your words. In his book Silent Messages, Dr. Albert Mehrabian says that the majority of communication is through body language and tone of voice, not what is said. He calls it the “7%-38%-55% Rule.” Fifty-five percent of other people’s reactions to you are based on your facial expression, 38% based on your tone of voice, and only 7%of their reaction is from the words you are actually saying. While we usually know what we are saying, often we do not know what other messages we are sending through body language. Want to find out?

Be aware of your body language while you communicate with your partner. Do you appear to be interested, engaged in what your partner has to say? Or are your arms crossed with an eye brow raised, looking disgusted even while you are trying to say in words, “I care about what you are saying.” If the words you use conflict with your nonverbals – that is, your body language and tone of voice – your partner will believe the nonverbals every time.

During the holidays, I was sitting with my 3 year old nephew on my lap reading him a book. After reading the story, he proceeded to get off my lap, grab another book, and sat across from me. He rapidly flipped through the pages mumbling phrases and words as if he was reading the book, and as if he were a teacher, turning the book around to show the pages. While watching him present each page, I began to think about how frequent he watches a teacher sit in front of the class, read a page, and then share the picture pages with the class. My guess is he sees his teacher read one to two times a day, 5 times a week, for the past 8 months.

If we take my nephew as an example, he just watched and absorbed the teacher’s behavior that he has watched for only 8 months. Now, take your own experiences as children. We watch our parents when they get upset, feel anger or sadness, and communicate with others. We learned from watching our parental figures daily, for many hours a day, and for 7 days a week. We absorb behaviors similar to our parent’s behaviors. We watched them express anger, communicate, cope with stress, and more. The things we saw as children influence our reactions in our current relationship. Similarly to my nephew, we replicate behaviors that we watched growing up.

Take a look at the behaviors you took on from your parents. Do you shut down like your father when you get upset? Do you drink alcohol to calm your nerves, just like mom? Do you avoid conflict at all cost, similarly to how dad avoided conflict? Do you leave, just like your father left you?

As a therapist in San Diego, I focus on helping my clients find more effective and useful ways to coping with Anxiety. Stress and Anxiety can come in many forms and can be difficult to deal with on a daily basis. You might notice it impacting how you work, the way you parent, or even the way you communicate in your relationship.

Imagine a balloon that is not inflated. And think about when the balloon gets inflated with air, it begins to get bigger and bigger. If you don’t let out the air, it will explode. This is exactly how our emotions are! We all have an “emotional balloon” where we store our emotions. Some people know how to release the air to prevent the balloon from overflowing and popping. And other people will continue to put their emotions into this balloon and it will occasionally pop. The popping may look like crying, anger/violence, irritability, headaches, change in sleep, reactivity, anxiety, and much more. Why not start focusing on letting out the air before popping the balloon?

Here are a few tips on decreasing the anxiety:

1. Exercise: This helps release the emotional stress and anxiety while the body is releasing the “happy chemicals” (AKA: Neurotransmitters). This is a healthy and natural way of releasing the air from the balloon in a productive manner.
2. Talk to someone: Talk to someone about your emotional experience. Talk about what you experienced, how you feel, and even what you think. By talking about the stressful situation, you can decrease some of the negative feelings. Talk to a friend, family member, therapist, etc.
3. Journal: Write about your stress, your anger, your sadness, etc. This helps get the thoughts and feelings from staying active in your mind and from igniting. The writing can clear the thoughts, sort out your emotions, and solidify how you will address the issue.
4. Let it out: Let your body experience the emotion by physically letting it out. An example is by crying or yelling into a pillow.
5. Take time out for yourself: Schedule time to relax and do what you want to do. Often we schedule so much that we forget about ourselves. Relax by watching a movie, get involved in a hobby, listen to music, etc. This can rejuvenate the way you feel or get you re-energized. Take a break from the stress.
6. Take deep breathes: Often times, people begin to take shorter and shallower breathes when they are stressed or anxious. The body needs oxygen to function and survive. Slow it down! Slow and deep breathing can help you relax and calm down. Try it the next time you get overwhelmed at work and see what happens!
7. Let go of the outcome: Try to avoid focusing on the outcome. Instead, focus on the moment. Keep your focus on the task at hand, not the outcome.

If you are struggling with ongoing stress and anxiety, you could benefit from working with a professional therapist. I want to help you get your life back on track and decrease your anxiety. Call today to schedule an appointment.

Rebuilding trust can be extremely difficult, especially for the deceived partner. Take steps to rebuild your trust after the affair.

Rebuilding trust requires the involvement of both participants in the relationship.

Initially, the person who shattered the trust will need to work hard to build the trust back. Showing remorse, being consistent, and understanding their partner’s pain are all very important in building trust. The unfaithful participant will need to teach their partner that they can be a trustworthy and an emotionally safe person.

The partner who was deceived, on the other hand, will also need to do some work to build the trust. These simple steps will help this participant to begin rebuilding the shattered foundation of the relationship.

Notice when the “radar” is on. The person who was “cheated on” can often have heightened anxiety and may obsessively look and watch for untrustworthy behaviors. For example: a man and woman are out to dinner, and the woman knows the exact location of every beautiful woman. She then may watch his eyes, and wait to catch him when his gaze wanders. This behavior is very common and can be very toxic.

Don’t be unrealistic. If you expect your partner to be available at every minute, you are putting him/her up for failure. They cannot be expected to stop their life, but they can make a more concerted effort to keep you involved in their life. Don’t expect that every time your partner doesn’t answer their phone that they are doing something wrong.

Keep your mind on track. Since the trust was broken, insecurity and worry about the relationship may set in. When your thoughts go down the ‘what is my partner doing right now’ path, redirect your thoughts and provide yourself with assurance. These ongoing thoughts can create a cycle of anxiety, all of which can prevent the re-growth of the relationship.
Choose your lens. People see the world through different lenses. Don’t let your lens be a ‘lens of mistrust.’ You have a choice of how you want to see the world.

Tell your partner what you need. You may need some concrete evidence that your partner is sincere with their words. Let your partner know what you need for comfort, but ensure all requests are realistic and unobtrusive. Your partner can’t read your mind, so make your needs as clear as possible.

Avoid hinting. Hinting is not an effective means of communication and often causes more problems at a time of distress. Your partner might not get the hint as quickly as you would like, and their lack of understanding might put them up for failure. Be clear and to the point.
Get professional help. If you can’t seem to stop thinking about the affair and constantly feel like you are walking on egg shells, see a professional therapist. Therapists are trained to help couples get back on track after relationship trauma.

If you have a history of trust broken in your life, these steps might not be sufficient for recovery. The past can impact your current relationships, and prevent you from fully trusting. If you have a history of broken trust, seek professional help.

Jennine E. Estes, M.A., Marriage and Family Therapist Intern, IMF#47211, Supervised by Mark Kaupp, MFC#33213 Visit http://www.EstesTherapy.com.