Several summers ago my husband I went to a local ski resort (yes, in the summer) where we went up the lifts, and then down the tails on our mountain bikes. It was a beautiful vista, with a bright clear sky, wind blowing at our face, and nature surrounding us. It was a beautiful day. Then my husband pushed me to my limits…by having me ride my mountain bike down narrow and rocky trails. I was terrified. I was afraid of getting hurt, so I tried my best to control the bike and the speed. The faster I went, the more fear I felt, and the more I tried to control the speed. The more speed, the more I had to use the brakes. Well, the more breaking you do going down a steep mountain with rocks, the more dangerous it becomes. I learned quickly…the more breaking, the more the bike seemed out of control.

I share this story to illustrate a common theme I see in relationships. The more we try to control uncomfortable situations, the more dangerous they become.

When we get worried or afraid of getting hurt, we often then try to control the situation. The reality is that the controlling usually causes the opposite response. The more I tried to be in control going down the mountain, the worse I got hurt. However, once I relaxed, maintained my momentum, and let the bike do it’s thing, the smoother the ride became, and likewise, the safer I became. Weird, huh?

Attempts at over controlling a relationship or personal goal can take many forms. For example; gaining weight…the more we try to control it, the harder it becomes to loose weight. The more we try to get our partner to take out the garbage when it becomes full, the longer it will sit there. The more we try to get our partner to stop drinking, the more they drink. The more you tell me to eat chocolate cake every day, the more I will refuse (even though I love chocolate cake). Are you catching on?

Relationships require guidance, not control. Let the relationship take its course. Influence the relationship, guide it where you want it to go, and have a voice, but avoid trying to over control by telling your partner how, when and what they need to do. In my couple’s therapy sessions, I frequently run into this issue. Another pattern I see is that no matter how much control and hurt that goes on, couples continue to repeat the same behavior. Learn how to break the cycle and let go of controlling the relationship. Relationships should be easy, not a challenge. Don’t try to control the speed, simply be there and learn how to influence your partner and guide the relationship down the rocky mountain. Remember why you decided to have the experience, and remember to relax and enjoy the view.

If you are having problems with control in your relationship, couples counseling could help. Visit my San Diego Couples Therapy website to schedule an appointment.

I am going to teach you what you already know; marriage doesn’t have to be routine, boring and dry. It may not be easy, and it may not always be fun. How you experience saving your relationship often depends on…. Yes, you guessed it…You. Hopefully you and your significant other are both trying to fix things, but right now, this is about You. The following quick tips will help You get the romance to spark again:

1. Flare-up the Flirt: Find ways to flirt with your partner and show him/her you are interested in connecting with him/her. Try to show your playful mood where you can and have fun and connect in a flirting way. Spice it up a bit…I dare you.
2. Maintain the connection: We all know life gets busy… with late hours at work, taking kids to soccer practice, running errands, etc. Make your relationship a priority and schedule time each week alone together. Make this time together mutually enjoyable and a way to maintain your emotional connection. And yes…this means time away from the television. Create a time and place where there are no distractions and no responsibilities… just like it used to be.
3. Slow it down: You are probably well known for giving, giving, and giving some more. But, by the end of the night, you find yourself so exhausted from your day that you no longer have any energy for your partner. An easy way to help fight this relationship killer is to slow down and find ways to rejuvenate and re-energize throughout the day. Not only will you save your own sanity, but the more energized you are, the more you can be available for your partner at the end of the night.
4. Remember the past: Take a look back on how you used interact in your relationship. In the past were you overwhelmed with work and life? Or were you energetic, enthusiastic and ready to take on life’s challenges? Did you wait until 6pm to have a real conversation with your partner or did you call each other throughout the day? Think of what you used to do back in the good ol’ days and try to recreate some of those same themes.

If your relationship is missing the spark and you would like to build a healthier relationship, please visit My Website to schedule an appointment and learn more about how I work as a therapist.

A commonly known advice for relationships is for couples to never go to bed angry.  This idea has such a great value.  It addresses the idea of how couples may feel if going to bed angry, such as feeling emotionally disconnected and unattached, or fear of having unresolved issues getting in the way.  This advice is absolutely a great and valuable tool for staying connected and securely attached to your partner.  Think about it…going to bed angry in the relationship can create a terrible feeling; it can keep people up all night, have terrible sleep, or many other painful experiences. For many couples, this advice is perfect for their relationship. Obviously, I am a therapist and I truly believe in resolving any and all conflicts, but this doesn’t work for everyone.

Couples faced with relationship conflict often attempt to resolve the issue to the best that they can.  When in conflict, couples try to resolve the issue through continuous fighting, arguing, and then resulting into a more damaged relationship. Damaging a relationship is far more dangerous than going to bed angry. 

The bigger issue is for those who keep trying to resolve an issue, and it keeps getting worse, escalating, and turning into a big disaster. Going to bed without the issue resolved might actually protect the relationship.  Many people don’t see it this way, nor does it feel like that from the person on the receiving end.  On the receiving end it might feel as if your partner doesn’t care, as if they give up on the relationship.  But as a matter of fact, this might be a wise thing to do.  It can protect the relationship from getting out of hand.  If you have seen your relationship escalate in times of disagreement, then maybe taking a break, falling asleep, and addressing the issue when you are less emotionally reactive might actually benefit your relationship. 

Remember, sometimes going to bed angry really isn’t that bad.  

If you are struggling in your relationship and you live in San Diego, visit my main website to schedule an appointment for Marriage Counseling.

Keep your relationship strong while your finances are in stress:

1. Be sensitive to your partner. You partner may be just as worried about finances as you are. Be sensitive to your partner’s feelings and try to understand them.
2. Re-direct your anger. Be upset about the situation, not at your partner. Often people let out their feelings onto their partner. Let your stress and anger out in a healthy place, such as at the gym, or journaling.
3. Free Dates. Don’t stop your relationship simply because your finances are stretched. Find free and creative dates, such as picnics, hiking, candle-lit dinners, etc.
4. Create a plan. Create a strategy plan with your partner on how you two will be coping with the financial stressor. Get on the same page about your financial plan.

Are you struggling in your Relationship? If you live in San Diego and would like to work on improving your relationship, visit my Therapy Website to schedule an appointment.

What messages do you send to your partner in the bed?  Do you send the message that you are open for intimacy?  Do you show that you care?

Take a look at what non-verbal messages you send to your partner. Think about how they might respond.

If you are finding that you and your partner aren’t conneting, you could benefit from therapy addressing sexual issues. Please contact me to schedule an appointment.

1. Often the pattern can be so ingrained that it may need to be addressed with a professional: attempt to break your patterns through counseling. Relationship choices are based on patterns that were created in our childhood and then were reinforced during our growing up. We often have patterns that cause heartache and frustration instead of patterns that lead to successful, happy relationships. Begin to understand where your relationship pattern comes from, what your pattern looks like, and then choose to do something different.

2. Look at how the vibes you send out are being received by other people. Sometimes if you feel inadequate, unattractive, have low self-esteem; other people will pick up on how you feel and possibly cause them to lose interest in you. Boost your confidence by exercising, decreasing stress, counseling, maintaining a healthy diet, getting a haircut, buying new clothes, etc. Stand tall and think positively.

3. Stop comparing yourself to others. Doing so sets your up for constant failure in that no two people are alike: everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. You are a unique individual with desirable traits to compatible people.

4. Laugh and smile more often. In addition to being attractive and magnetic, laughter and smiling elevates your mood and keeps your body healthy.

5. Put yourself out there by experiencing new things. Take on new hobbies or travel to new environments such as church, dating sites, groups, etc. to meet new and interesting people.

6. Don’t spend your entire holiday season with married or coupled families and friends. Find other singles and singles’ groups/activities where you won’t feel as uncomfortable or lonely.

Healthy relationship patterns + expressing emotions = Healthy Communication

Do you want to have healthy communication in your relationship, visit my San Diego Therapy Website to schedule an appointment.

People with an unhealthy self-esteem can often send a vibe that other people can pick up on. Imagine a woman sitting in a coffee shop; she constantly thinks of herself as unattractive, not good enough, and worthless. She feels down and overwhelmed. She compares herself with others. How does she appear? Does she sit tall or does she slightly slouch down and avoid eye contact? What type of vibe would she be sending? How would she present herself at work? Would she speak up in a conference or would she doubt her abilities? Now, take that same woman, but with a healthier self-esteem. She is aware of her potentials and her weaknesses, when she makes a mistake she doesn’t get down on herself, and she values and respects herself. She has less doubts about herself and she knows what she is able to do. How would she present herself? What would be different? With both examples, the woman hasn’t physically changed, but her self-image, the people she attracts, and how she behaves is probably severely different.

Having a healthy self-esteem impacts all areas of life and the people you attract. Creating a higher self confidence is a complicated area and can require a shift in your perceptions and thought processes. If your self-esteem is lower than you would like it to be, there is hope! Here are a few things you can do on your own to build your self confidence and create a healthier self-esteem:

Retrain your Brain: Our brain can get used to thinking negatively, questioning our capabilities, doubt the possibilities, and worry. Your brain is probably trained and used to thinking with doubts and worry. Retrain your brain by thinking positively and accepting who you are with Positive Affirmations. When you first start retraining your brain, it will feel awkward and strange…but that is the point. You will be doing something new! Some examples of positive thoughts: “I know what I am doing,” “Nothing is wrong with me,” “I will be fine,” “I have a lot to offer.” Tweak these to focus on the areas you have difficulties. This is probably the most important aspect of building a stronger sense of self. Work on this daily. Accepting who you are will help develop a healthy self-esteem.

Take a History Inventory: Review your history and take a deep look at the messages you got growing up. Did you get the message that you can accomplish anything you put your heart to? Or were you given the message that you have to be extremely careful at what you do and that you might mess up? Where you compared to your siblings or friends? Often times the messages we received growing up can severely impact our core self. Be more aware of the past messages and take a step to correct them.

Build a New Inventory: Prove your negative thoughts wrong by accomplishing the tasks that you doubt. Take a risk. If you think that you won’t ever be able to get organized, make it a goal. Prove yourself wrong. The more you prove your fears and thoughts wrong, the more it will make a corrective experience.

Notice what you have: Avoid comparing yourself with other people. Comparing will only point out what you “don’t have,” rather than noticing what you “do have.” Begin training your brain to notice what you have, what you do well, and avoid comparing yourself to others. You will never be the other person, so start accepting who you are as a person.

If you are struggling with an unhealthy self-esteem and want to make some changes, please contact me to schedule a therapy appointment.

-“I am fat. I HAVE to lose weight.”
-“How come everyone else can lose weight, but I can’t?”
-“I will only be happy if I lose weight.”-“I NEED to go on a diet.”

Absolute phrases and words such as have to, only if, must, and need are key signs critical thinking is plaguing our minds. Critical thoughts can also manifest themselves in the form of seemingly innocuous little phrases that we automatically tell ourselves every day. For example, “I should have…” or “Why didn’t I…?” or “I needed to…” are ways we criticize our past decisions (or lack thereof) in an effort to take control of them today. In some cases critical thoughts can do the exact opposite of the action they’re meant to reinforce, causing us to give up on our goals when the self-imposed “need to” and “have to” extremist goals aren’t met. This outcome is aided by the fact that most of us use critical thoughts in attempt to drive ourselves up the ladder of achievement with relentless, oft times self-depreciating talk laden with rigid goals and unrealistic parameters: one can’t expect to burn five pounds a week simply by chanting critical thoughts in their head–action must be taken.

To avoid setting up for failure, we should focus on learning to nurture and care for ourselves and our goals, appreciating the process of achievement instead of setting our sights solely on the outcome. Finding a way to validate our frustrations without the use of critical thoughts and being able to recognize the critical thinking when it hits us in tandem with the ability to decrease both their frequency and impact is key to removing mental roadblocks that prevent us from being where we want to be.

Steps to Stop the Critical Thoughts:

- Recognize the critical thought: Critical thoughts can rear their ugly heads up to 15 times within half an hour. Note that absolutes and directives such as must, have to, need, and always. Being able to see something that is engrained in our psyche can be difficult at first, but practice will lead to you eventually being able to see the negative critical thoughts so you can block them out altogether!

- Neutralize the power of the critical thought: You’ve identified the thought as being critical, now understand that is self-depreciating, negative, and unrealistic. By seeing these traits within the statement, you will be assisted in seeing the critical thought’s value for what it’s worth—absolutely nothing.

- Counter the critical thought by providing yourself with nurturing and validation: Tell yourself phrases such as “There is nothing wrong with me .” or “I am doing a good job.” Saying simple things like, “I did my best.” And “I’m getting there.” Are ways of telling yourself that you’re enduring and enjoying the experience the road to achievement is putting you through. Self-talk that reflects back on what you’ve accomplished as opposed to dwelling too much on what you’ve yet to gain help keep you in the moment and prevent you from being overwhelmed by a goal that may yet be a ways off.

- Notice the replacement positive behavior: Critical thoughts will always reside somewhere in your brain, but now you have a grasp on positive reinforcement and gradually the negative self-talk will be replaced with inspiring, success-oriented thinking. Eventually your mind will automatically conjure positive reinforcement in lieu of the damaging critical thinking.

Remember, it is perfectly acceptable to admit defeat (“Yes, it does hurt” or “I keep beating myself up”). Honestly validating why you’re not satisfied with where you’re at helps you naturally transition into a more well-adjusted state instead of trying the miracle method of instantly feeling better.

Quick Tips for Whipping Your Thinking into Shape

· Don’t set unrealistic goals
· Avoid influences that spur critical thoughts (magazines, celebrity news shows, etc.)
· Become aware of what the words you telling yourself really mean: know that “shoulda, coulda, woulda” was yesterday and “I will.” is a promise.
· Don’t invest your expectations too much into the end result which leads to anxiety and automatic failure–be sure to enjoy the ride getting there.
· Notice critical thoughts, and counter them with nurturing ones.
· Yesterday’s gone; tomorrow isn’t here yet; focus on The Now.

What to expect in Pre Marriage Counseling:
Depending on the therapist, most counselors will explore many aspects of the relationship. Some of the areas addressed are conflict resolutions, communication styles, intimacy, family/family-in-law issues, financial issues, and more. As a therapist, I help my couples understand how they interact, ways to be more effective in communicating, and how to continue growing in the relationship. Most of my premarital counseling sessions are short-term, lasting about 2 to 4 sessions, yet other couples may require a longer amount of time, depending on the issues.

Thinking about Premarital Therapy? If you are thinking about counseling, here are my recommendations in finding a therapist.

Finding a Premarital Therapist:
1. Interview the Therapist: Ask the psychotherapist what their specialty is and the experience they have working with premarital counseling. This is your time to interview and weed out the therapists that you do not like. The internet is a popular place to look for psychotherapists: take a look at their photos, review their websites, and learn other information about them.
2.Contact 2 to 3 Counselors: Contact 2 to 3 therapists and do the interview process. Take notes and keep track with the one you feel the most comfortable with. Marriage and Family Therapists (MFTs) are specialized in relationships and communicating. I highly recommend using a therapist specifically trained in relationships.
3. Comfort with the Therapist: While interviewing the therapist, the most important thing to keep in mind is your comfort level. Do you feel comfortable speaking with the therapist? Do you feel like the therapist understands you and can provide what you want?
4. Fees: Be honest with yourself and determine what you are willing to invest in the relationship. I feel like the relationship is the foundation, and everything else is positively or negatively impacted by it. If you can’t afford a therapist’s fee, ask if they have a sliding scale (a lower fee slot) or if they have any recommendations.