Archive for Dating Issues
Good First Dates with People you “Know a Little”
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Go with your gut, if the idea of spending an afternoon with them makes you more excited than nervous, then you probably know them enough.
Ok, so you know them enough, now what kind of date should you have? Start from casual dates to the heavy, romantic ones when first starting out. I know you’re captivated by your date and really want to knock their socks off, but the serious dates can also present a lot of awkward moments and pressure. There’s no need to put yourselves in that type of situation just yet, instead try a light-hearted date that provides plenty to talk. Some good ideas are events like fairs and carnivals, fun places like water parks or the zoo, interesting spots such as museums or art galleries, and activities like bowling, hiking, or a bike ride along the coast. What these ideas all have in common is that you’re able to talk and get to know each other, but the conversation doesn’t have to be driven by stories about yourselves, it can evolve from what is happening around you. Not only that, but if things aren’t going well you can either cut these dates short or even get through the date by having fun with the activity itself. Have a great time!
Written by David Hail. He provides all kinds of fun date ideas on his web site.
$20 (or less) Date Nights: Recession-Proof your Marriage (Series 2)
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Every one (and I think I can say this as a blanket statement) is impacted in one way or another from the economic stress; businesses closing, loss of jobs, constant worry about job security, foreclosing the home, friends struggling, or simply the news telling you another bad thing. Anxiety may be higher than ever, but this doesn’t mean you have to stop connecting with your partner. In fact, this is the time to support one another through the stress and help alleviate the pain.
A few years back, my husband was in school and I was starting my therapy practice. We didn’t have much money at the time, yet we realized the importance of nurturing the relationship. We started a game called $20 Date Night where every Friday night we switched off with creating the date. The goal is to create a date with only spending $20 or less. To our surprise, we came up with many dates; it just took imagination and creativity. To this day, we continue or date night challenge…
Don’t let the recession get in the way of your relationship. Take the challenge and create your own date…I dare you!!!
- Free Admission to the Museum: I live in sunny San Diego where many museums provide a free admission one day per month (each day is specific per museum). Take the time to admire artwork and see something new. Play a game with your partner and see if you can guess what each other like and dislike. Talk to your local museums and see if they have any discounts.
- Hike and a Picnic: Life gets busy with the every day routine and we can frequently take for granted the beauty of nature. Take a hike with your partner and bring along fresh fruits and homemade food for two. Relax and enjoy the tranquility of nature.
- Coffee and a Game: There are many coffee shops that provide game boards and books for their customers to use while enjoying coffee. Mix it up a bit… sip on a latte and challenge your partner at a game.
- A Night at home (without the kids): A night at home relaxing, watching movies, cuddling in bed, and connecting intimately is a date all on its own. Drop the kids off at a friend’s house for a no cost date. This free date is a huge investment in your relationship that will pay off in the long run. Don’t forget to stay away from cleaning, bills, or anything else that may keep you from focusing on one another.
- Dance Classes: Because I live in lovely San Diego, there are various restaurants/bars that provide a first time free dance lesson. Get dressed up and learn how to move your bodies together to the music.
- Skinny Dipping at home: Sometimes we simply need to step out of the box and do something exciting! If you have a pool, take off the clothes and jump in…No cost and a lot of fun.
Read my other article about $20 Date Night ideas for more ideas and share some of your own dates that are low cost! Also, learn how to keep your relationship strong when money is tight.
Advice on How to Survive Valentine’s Day being Single
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It’s that time of year where San Diego stores are filled with red balloons, lover’s hearts, and romantic items for the committed relationships. For some people, this special February day can be exciting and romantic, and for others it can be torture. This time of year can hit deep and be another reminder of your relationship status….single. It doesn’t have to be that way….you can survive Valentine’s Day and avoid the pain.
Here are a few simple things you can do to survive the holiday and thrive being single:
- Change the Radar: The radar in our mind can automatically pick out the “what I don’t have” and the alarm will sound when around couples holding hands, or exchanging hugs, or even with valentine gifts. Instead of the radar focused on what you don’t have, change it to notice what you do have. Focus on your friends, your family, your support, etc.
- Make the Best of it: Simply because you don’t have a partner, doesn’t mean that you can’t celebrate the holiday. Meet up with a few friends/family and create your own meaning of Valentine’s Day. Make the best of it and have it as your friendship and family appreciation day.
- Stay Away From the Blues: It is easy to go into the depression dumps when your relationship status is brought to your attention. The blues are filled with sadness, isolation, and negative thoughts. Keep yourself up-beat by spending time with friends, exercising, and organizing your life. The more proactive you are on Valentine’s Day, the more power you have to stay away from the depression blues.
- Moving Up Goals: Empower yourself and use this day as a way to set goals for yourself. Write down what you want in your life, including physical health, emotional well being, relationships, and career goals. Create a list of your wants and the steps you plan to take to reach your desires.
- Leisure Day: Make Valentine’s Day your day to enjoy your favorite hobby, relaxation, and leisure. This can be your way of enjoying the day doing what you do best! Surround yourself with what you enjoy doing most.
- Single-hood Strengths: Cherish this time being single and focus on the strengths of being single. Make it a challenge throughout the day to find strengths and how it may be good for you right now.
Want to learn how to find a healthy relationship? Call today to schedule an appointment and start making changes. Visit my main website: Estes Therapy in San Diego.
Single and Ready: Tips on getting ready for a girlfriend/boyfriend
Posted by: | CommentsIf you find yourself in a pattern of unsuccessful relationships, then you may have a familiar relationship dynamic pattern that is not working. Sometimes this is “unconscious” and causes us to act out behavior that we are not aware of. Below are tips on how to make a positive, lasting impression on new people in the dating world:
1. Often the pattern can be so ingrained that it may need to be addressed with a professional: attempt to break your patterns through counseling. Relationship choices are based on patterns that were created in our childhood and then were reinforced during our growing up. We often have patterns that cause heartache and frustration instead of patterns that lead to successful, happy relationships. Begin to understand where your relationship pattern comes from, what your pattern looks like, and then choose to do something different.
2. Look at how the vibes you send out are being received by other people. Sometimes if you feel inadequate, unattractive, have low self-esteem; other people will pick up on how you feel and possibly cause them to lose interest in you. Boost your confidence by exercising, decreasing stress, counseling, maintaining a healthy diet, getting a haircut, buying new clothes, etc. Stand tall and think positively.
3. Stop comparing yourself to others. Doing so sets your up for constant failure in that no two people are alike: everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. You are a unique individual with desirable traits to compatible people.
4. Laugh and smile more often. In addition to being attractive and magnetic, laughter and smiling elevates your mood and keeps your body healthy.
5. Put yourself out there by experiencing new things. Take on new hobbies or travel to new environments such as church, dating sites, groups, etc. to meet new and interesting people.
6. Don’t spend your entire holiday season with married or coupled families and friends. Find other singles and singles’ groups/activities where you won’t feel as uncomfortable or lonely.
Self-Esteem: Building a more confident you
Posted by: | CommentsSelf-esteem and confidence is basically an overall opinion of you and can impact daily experiences. Our level of self-esteem virtually affects all areas of life; the type of people you attract, your career building, your relationships, and other important areas.
People with an unhealthy self-esteem can often send a vibe that other people can pick up on. Imagine a woman sitting in a coffee shop; she constantly thinks of herself as unattractive, not good enough, and worthless. She feels down and overwhelmed. She compares herself with others. How does she appear? Does she sit tall or does she slightly slouch down and avoid eye contact? What type of vibe would she be sending? How would she present herself at work? Would she speak up in a conference or would she doubt her abilities? Now, take that same woman, but with a healthier self-esteem. She is aware of her potentials and her weaknesses, when she makes a mistake she doesn’t get down on herself, and she values and respects herself. She has less doubts about herself and she knows what she is able to do. How would she present herself? What would be different? With both examples, the woman hasn’t physically changed, but her self-image, the people she attracts, and how she behaves is probably severely different.
Having a healthy self-esteem impacts all areas of life and the people you attract. Creating a higher self confidence is a complicated area and can require a shift in your perceptions and thought processes. If your self-esteem is lower than you would like it to be, there is hope! Here are a few things you can do on your own to build your self confidence and create a healthier self-esteem:
Retrain your Brain: Our brain can get used to thinking negatively, questioning our capabilities, doubt the possibilities, and worry. Your brain is probably trained and used to thinking with doubts and worry. Retrain your brain by thinking positively and accepting who you are with Positive Affirmations. When you first start retraining your brain, it will feel awkward and strange…but that is the point. You will be doing something new! Some examples of positive thoughts: “I know what I am doing,” “Nothing is wrong with me,” “I will be fine,” “I have a lot to offer.” Tweak these to focus on the areas you have difficulties. This is probably the most important aspect of building a stronger sense of self. Work on this daily. Accepting who you are will help develop a healthy self-esteem.
Take a History Inventory: Review your history and take a deep look at the messages you got growing up. Did you get the message that you can accomplish anything you put your heart to? Or were you given the message that you have to be extremely careful at what you do and that you might mess up? Where you compared to your siblings or friends? Often times the messages we received growing up can severely impact our core self. Be more aware of the past messages and take a step to correct them.
Build a New Inventory: Prove your negative thoughts wrong by accomplishing the tasks that you doubt. Take a risk. If you think that you won’t ever be able to get organized, make it a goal. Prove yourself wrong. The more you prove your fears and thoughts wrong, the more it will make a corrective experience.
Notice what you have: Avoid comparing yourself with other people. Comparing will only point out what you “don’t have,” rather than noticing what you “do have.” Begin training your brain to notice what you have, what you do well, and avoid comparing yourself to others. You will never be the other person, so start accepting who you are as a person.
If you are struggling with an unhealthy self-esteem and want to make some changes, please contact me to schedule a therapy appointment.
Body Language Speaks Louder than Words
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Have you ever wondered why your partner keeps hearing something totally different from what you are saying? The message you are sending may be very different from your words. In his book Silent Messages, Dr. Albert Mehrabian says that the majority of communication is through body language and tone of voice, not what is said. He calls it the “7%-38%-55% Rule.” Fifty-five percent of other people’s reactions to you are based on your facial expression, 38% based on your tone of voice, and only 7%of their reaction is from the words you are actually saying. While we usually know what we are saying, often we do not know what other messages we are sending through body language. Want to find out?
Be aware of your body language while you communicate with your partner. Do you appear to be interested, engaged in what your partner has to say? Or are your arms crossed with an eye brow raised, looking disgusted even while you are trying to say in words, “I care about what you are saying.” If the words you use conflict with your nonverbals – that is, your body language and tone of voice – your partner will believe the nonverbals every time.
