Archive for Couples
Listen or Give Advice? How to determine which way to respond to your partner or friend
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Sometimes our partner, friend, or family member might share a stressful story, discuss their daily struggle, or express concerns about a topic…. But you have no idea what response might be the proper one. How do you know what they need during a chat, whether it’s just a willing an ear to listen or to give constructive advice? This is no simple task…no matter if it is for friendships or intimate relationships.
Here are a few hints about how you might pick up on which one they might need.
o Ask what they want: We can read minds…so if you don’t know what they want, simply ask if they want advice, to figure out a solution, or to simply be a sounding board. You won’t ever really know what they want unless you find out directly from them. Never assume what your friend wants. Check in ask what you can do to be helpful. Ask if they want to hear a few of your ideas or suggestions, and respect what your friend says they want or need. Never assume what your friend wants.
o Phrases Used: If your partner or friend says, “I don’t know what to do,” this is a great place to ask if they’d like a few ideas or to brainstorm ideas together. Pauses are also signs that you can share some ideas and give your feedback. Ask them if they want any suggestions and find out what options they have compiled. Most people usually try problem solving and have come up with a variety of options to dealing with the stress, yet still feel overwhelmed by the situation. Don’t just simply toss out constructive advice if they don’t ask for it. Ask what they have come up with for options before you over load them problem solving.
o NonVerbal Cues: Some people show the sign of simply “releasing the steam” by endless talk about the problem and hardly ever speaking of a solution. When people discuss the problem over and over and over, this can be a sign that your friend/partner simply is looking for a sounding board. But don’t rely on this alone, people aren’t predictable and may want help solving the problem. Be quick to listen, slow to speak…pay attention if your friend is asking for help or simply describing a difficult situation. If your friend/partner pauses often, this might be a sign that they are looking for help or guidance. Tell her /him that you have a few ideas and ask if they would be open to hearing the ideas. Don’t push suggestions if she/he isn’t asking you for it.
o Don’t GUESS What They Want: One of the biggest mistakes is to guess what your friend or partner might need. Humans are unpredictable; we change our minds daily, hourly, minute-by-minute, and emotion-by-emotion. So don’t guess and “try” different things each time. Instead, stop your quick knee-jerk reaction to give advice that you think they might want or to solve the problem. Listen to the big picture of the story. Try to understand what they are facing, and then ask what they need.
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Improve your Relationship by Taking Care of Yourself
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The “How to Save my Marriage” by Self-Improvement First
Think about the time when you are on an airplane ready for take off and you hear over the intercom that in case of an emergency, air masks will drop….and parents to first put the air masks on themselves, and then put it on the baby. This concept is that you can’t save your baby if you don’t get your own oxygen. Baby’s need parents to be alive and taken care of so the baby can be tended to. This concept is the same for relationships. We have to tend to ourselves, make sure we are feeling good and emotionally stable, so that we can tend to the relationship. In order to save a marriage, we have to be living and breathing in a healthy and strong manner.
The more you feel confident in your own skin, the more the confidence will seep out your pours. Here are 5 Elements of Self Care:
- Physical: Care for yourself physically by exercising on a regular basis, eating healthy foods, and limiting the unhealthy foods. If you drink on a regular occasion, cut down or put it on the back burner for now. Physical care doesn’t simply mean eat healthy and working-out, but it also means take time for you physically. For example, spend extra attention on your own personal hygiene, more effort on your hair, spraying perfume/cologne, flossing, get more sleep, or shaving more often. The more you care for yourself, not only will you hold yourself in a more confident manner, but the more your partner will notice you are taking extra effort to look good for them.
- Mentally: Often we use our brain solely for work or for the family and that we become brain-dead by the end of the day. It is vital to take time to decompress and relax your mind. Feed your mind with something mentally stimulating that gets your mind excited, such as read a good book, learn about a new topic, or educate yourself about a topic that you have wanted to learn about. The more mentally satisfied you are, the more it impacts the way you can relate with others.
- Emotionally: Take time to emotionally improve your mood. The more stressed and overwhelmed you are, the harder it is for your partner to connect with you. The mood can automatically drive a wedge in between the bond. Take time to decompress your emotions, regulate your mood, and slow down your reactions. Your JOB is to regulate your mood. If your emotions aren’t regulated, then your partner isn’t able to see that you are safe place to connect with. Calm your nerves, decompress, and let out your steam in a productive manner.
- Spiritually: Feed your soul with your spirituality….and this doesn’t necessarily mean “religious.” Find a way to include your spirituality by meditations, prayer, attending church, or connecting with mother-nature.
- Relationally: Relationships all need nurturing, not just your intimate relationship, but your relationships with others. Nurture your heart by improving your relationships with your children, friends, and family. Make sure that you have a balance in your relationships, yet setting healthy boundaries.
By Jennine Estes, MFT
Is Facebook helping or hurting your relationship?
On a weekly basis I have clients sitting on my therapy couch and sharing how Facebook was involved in some part of their relationship. Some state that they use Facebook when they are feeling insecure in the relationship; investigating their partner’s activity with others, combing through the friends list in search for a red-flag person, searching for signs that the relationship is off-track, or looking for inappropriate comments. Other clients have stated that they watch their partner’s (or soon to be partner) relationship status as a sign of whether their relationship is in tack, broken-up, or in the works. Other people use it to keep an eye on their ex, to look up a crush, to share their relationship’s dirty laundry, or to addicted to the online banter, etc. The list is endless!
Facebook isn’t the problem….it is the relationship dynamics and our human reactions that get in the way.
Here are a few tips on how to prevent your relationship from getting hurt through the use of Facebook:
Jealousy and Drawing a Line: If your relationship already has the jealousy-syndrome, then Facebook won’t help. The use of this social media can really magnify the insecurities because you don’t get to see the “behind the scene” interactions between other people. If you are feeling insecure, maybe you and your partner shouldn’t have FB. Remember, the one sentence post or new friendships can be taken out of context, misinterpreted, or misconstrued. It can also create an alarm or a temptation….for either investigating or flirting. You may need to draw the line to the use of Facebook or delete the account.
Check-In, Don’t Assume: Posts by your partner, friends, or colleagues are three words to three sentences about their world they are in. You aren’t in their world, but you get a sneak peak at their world. Since you don’t have all the back ground to that person’s post, your view of it may be completely off based. Check-in with the other person if you have concerns about a post and get the entire story. Don’t just watch and wait for the Facebook relationship status to change or get hidden, and don’t just assume that someone isn’t taking care of themselves by simply reading a two lined message. Take a leap and talk to the other person before you assume.
Be SUPER clear: If your relationship is already on the rocks, be super duper clear with your posts. Don’t post ambiguous posts, such as “Things that make you go hmmmm…” You might be brainstorming on your next project at work, but your partner may read it after getting off the phone with you and worry that you may be in debate about the relationship, or uncertain about the bond. Even though it might not say much to you, it could spark a sensitive cord with your partner. Give a bit more info so it shows more of your world, such as “Things that make you go hmmmm…. brain storming for work.” The clearer you are, the less you have to explain.
Post Safe Topics: Use safe topics posts that won’t strike a cord or can be misinterpreted. Safe topics may include what are doing for the day, how your work day is going, or maybe a few of your favorite quotes.
Don’t air your Relationship Dirty Laundry: Your feelings may be consuming you and all you want to do is let it out…on Facebook. Posting your relationship problems won’t fix them. It simply posts your dirty laundry to the public and causes more problems. Instead, address the issue directly with your partner. It isn’t that people don’t care about your relationship and your struggles, but posting your issues and complaining about it isn’t appropriate…nor will it get you anywhere. Not everyone needs to know the nitty-gritty about your relationship. Think twice before you post. It is a public forum.
Change your Privacy Settings: Sometimes personal life really shouldn’t mix with business, or certain people shouldn’t know your daily life activities. Change your privacy settings so that co-workers, family, and friends have limited access. Remember, people don’t know exactly what is going on in your world, and they may interpret your posts wrong. Piecing together someone’s life by facebook posts is very common, yet very challenging to get the puzzle pieces to fit exactly. Filter who can and cannot see your postings; save yourself a lot of pain and heart ache.
Include your Partner: Instead of having the Facebook individual and separate, include your partner by either going on together or having a joint account. The relationship could improve drastically by simply bonding over an online social experience as a team. Allow your partner to sit next you while you go on, helping reassure them. Discuss what would feel comfortable for the two of you and find a way to include one another.
Cut back: It is very very easy to caught up(or addicted) to the social networking and you could find daily surfing increasing and checking your cell phone for updates, or wakeup/go to bed to facebook. You might cross a line and focus on what your family member has posted that it impacts your day. Either way, your interactions with FB are hindering you and your relationships. Cut back. Know when to say no and let go of the steam. If you are on it all the time, show your partner they priority and more important than Facebooking and cut back on your FB Addiction. J
Delete the Red-Flag Friends: Sometimes people may cross a line by posting inappropriate messages or flirty comments. If this person is a red-flag for either you or your partner, it may be time to delete them from friend’s list or you may need to confront the issue straight on. Being friends with a “red-flag” won’t help the relationship heal, improve a bond, or help your partner feel comfortable with you. It tends to have the opposite effect. If in doubt…press delete.
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Get Your Relationship Un-Stuck and Back on Track
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Get your Relationship Un-Stuck: By Jennine Estes
Relationships are full of ups and down, ins and outs. Some couples get caught on the “down” side and fall into the nasty hole of disconnection, loneliness, and dullness. In many ways, it can feel as if being stuck in a bottom of a ditch; nothing to grab onto to climb out, and the more work to dig your way out, the more dirt falls in. Many couples try to make repair attempts to climb their way out of the deep hole, but the more it barriers them with more issues to work through. Does any of this sound?
Getting caught in a ditch with no tools and no latter, can be exhausting. Couples simply need a bit of hope and team work to help them climb their way out. Here are a few simple steps you can do to begin spicing up your relationship and climbing out of the ditch:
- Get out of Routine: Many couples fall into routine, get used to the fact that they have a partner, and over look nurturing the relationship. Stop watching television nightly, stop making sex a routine, and stop waiting on your partner. Find a way to surprise your partner and do something different.
- Get Re-energized: Begin creating excitement and energy in your life by focusing on you. Take your lunch break and meet up with a friend, or get energy by joining a group, or start a new hobby. Any sense of energy is better than no energy. The excitement you have in your personal life can boost your motivation to crawl out of the pit.
- Talk about it: Begin a conversation about being stuck; share with one another about what it is like to be stuck in the ditch, talk about things that might help you two get motivated, and problem solve about other options for climbing out.
- Comfort one another: When you two have been trying to dig your way out, it can get tough. Hold and comfort one another while going through the tough times. Tell your partner that you two will find a way to get out. Remember, you aren’t the only one stuck in the ditch.
- Look for the Good Stuff: When the disconnection is overwhelming and the energy is low, the optimistic thoughts dwindle away. Take an active approach and look for the good stuff in the relationship. Think positive and shift your thoughts from doubtful to hopeful.
- Seek Professional Help: When the tough gets going, and the digging only makes things worse, it is time to start yelling for someone to help you find a way out. A professional, such as a couple’s therapist, isn’t stuck in the ditch and can toss down a rope to help you climb out.
© StickK.com Reprinted by permission.
Social Networking Series: The Facebook Addiction
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You may have experienced the feeling when you sit in front of your computer working and you see an email from Facebook staring at you. You think to yourself, “I will make a quick response and then get right back on track with work and be productive.” But next thing you know, you are readying the hilarious posts from friends, responding to interesting conversations, and saying hi to friends you haven’t seen for a while. As your “quick” peak evolves into a long-long time, the facebooking feels “addicting.” Does this sound familiar?
I search through a few of my own Facebook (FB) posts in regards to the “addicting” feeling. Here are a few of my random posts: “Why is it that when I have a thousand things on the ‘to-do’ list, I find myself lost on Facebook?!?!” Or my humor (yet also somewhat serious) about the addiction of Facebook: “I think I might start a new therapy group called “Facebook-aholics Anonymous.”
My random posts on Facebook had a bit of humor, yet it also spoke the truth. I can feel and see how easy it could be to get lost for hours and become out of control. I can moderate with social networking, but what about those who can’t redirect or limit themselves, or for those who have more addictive tendencies?
I have heard over and over with my clients saying that they struggle with the online social networking. It either gets in the way of the relationship (this is my next article…soon to come) or it completely gets out of control. Does it impact your life? Do you feel like it is a bit too much?
Questions to ask yourself to see if your facebooking is a problem:
- Do you spend a minimum of 2 hours a day on Facebook?
- Do you find that you get behind on work or personal responsibilities because you continuously get side tracked on Facebook?
- When you see an email with the Facebook update you can’t avoid clicking on it. Your curiosity gets the best of you.
- Do you start your day with with Facebook?
- Do you end your day with Facebook?
- Do you check Facebook on your cell phone on a regular basis?
- Have you and your partner got into various fights because of Facebook?
- Do you say “just one more peak” and next thing you know your back in your same routine?
- Do you tell yourself you won’t look on Facebook, but then find yourself back on it?
- Have friends or family shown concern about your Facebook activity?
If you answered yes more than no, you could benefit from taking a deeper look at your Facebook activity and take step to gain control on your social networking.
Here are a few tips on taking back control on your life and creating a healthy balance:
Set FB Time Frame
Moderation is key!! Instead of cutting yourself off completely, allow yourself a limited time during the day. Facebook is a great way to connect with others and build relationships…but needs to be in moderation. Schedule time for social networking after work and personal obligation and limit the amount. Set a timer (I am not joking about this) and only allow yourself 30 minutes to network with your friends, family, and colleagues. Sometimes we need external accountability… and a timer works great!
Put your settings to “Off Line”
People can see if you are available online to have an instant message chat. Your childhood friend that you haven’t seen for 10 years may want to say hello and have a long, drawn out conversation about the years you have been apart. Put your settings to “Off line” so you aren’t easy to access for a conversation and you won’t be tempted to converse with others.
Email Folder Redirect
I get easily distracted, so I can relate with others who get distracted with emails from FB. Created a Facebook folder and have your emails automatically put into the FB folder. The emails won’t sit staring at you in your inbox. You can then click on the FB folder when it is time and you are done with your personal obligations. Try it out; see how this keeps you on track with business and accomplishing tasks.
Change Cell Phone Settings
I just got a new iphone and somehow FB sends me text messages every time I get a message. This temptation of a text message for some people is like an alcoholic having a bottle of alcohol put in their hands randomly throughout the day…and expected to say “No.” Put up a detour and change your settings. Remove the application from your phone, and make sure that your cell phone doesn’t send you text message updates.
Relationship Time
If FB has been a problem in your relationship, start rebuilding your FB time and get your partner involved in your facebooking. Sit together and check out your friends and family as a team. Instead of having it drive you two apart, find a way to have FB bring you together.
Other Articles that may be of interest:
• Text Messaging: Do’s and Don’ts in your Relationship
• Building a More Confident You: Tips on building a better self-esteem
• Looking for Addiction Counseling? Click here.
May 8th: Couple’s Relationship Retreat
Posted by: | CommentsThe Couple’s Retreat: Real Answers for Real Relationships
Is your relationship stuck?
Are you tired of the endless fighting?
Does your relationship need a tune-up?
May 8th Jennine Estes, your San Diego Marriage and Family Therapist, is putting on a relationship retreat that is cost effective and unique. It will provide couples with tools on building a stronger relationship, creating healthy communication, and getting relationships back on track. This unique retreat allows couples to decide how much they want to spend on the relationship. You can either simply come to the workshop, or stay for the date night, or even stay the weekend. It is all your choice.
The Relationship Retreat includes:
- 4 Hour Relationship Workshop:
- How to stop the endless arguments
- Steps for healthy communication
- Sex, Sex, Sex…reconnecting in the bedroom
- Awaken your fading love
- Identify and avoid toxic patterns
- Get your partner to clearly understand you and your needs (and vice versa)
- Reconnect and revive your relationship
- Relationship Package:
- 30 Day Challenge Ebook
- Date Night Calendar
- Relationships in the Raw Articles
- Date Night on Us: Dress your best for your partner because your going on a date
- Sunset Cruise in Mission Bay
- Dinner at the Atoll Restaurant
- Makeup Artist
Where: Catamaran Hotel Spa in San Diego
When: May 8th, 2010
Time: Starts at 12:00pm
Cost: $130 per couple
Register: Register online
Relationship Advice: How to Stop Interrupting
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Interrupting can be a bad habit….and it automatically shuts down lines of communication. When we are so eager and in hurry to get our point across, it is difficult to slow down and not interrupt the other person. The quick interjection and cutting off the other person sends out a bad message that they don’t matter. The receiving end can feel as if your invisible, what you have to say does not matter, and you’re not important. There are good intentions bind this approach, yet it unfortunately sends the opposite message.
Here are a few quick tips on how to stop the bad habit of interrupting:
Remember it’s Not Your Turn: Remind yourself that it is your partner’s turn to talk. Have your mind focused on your partner and what they are saying. It is their turn, so your job is to simply listen and try to understand what it is like to be in their shoes.
Bite your Tongue: If you disagree or have something to say, bite your tongue, pinch your arm, and count to 10 in your head. Slow down your response and help keep yourself ground by biting your tongue.
Breathe: Take a deep breath to calm down your reaction and remember that you want your partner to be active in the relationship. Sometimes just taking a breath will help slow down our reactions.
Take a Mental Note: If something comes to mind, take a mental note to share your point of view later. Your voice and your views matter, so take note of it and bring it up when it is your turn to talk.
Active Listening: Put into practice the active listening tool. Your job at that moment is to show your partner that you are listening, try to understand what your partner is saying, and stop thinking about what your next response will be. Start active listening, stop talking, and stop the active interruptions.
Value Your Partner: Successful communication is to make your partner feel important, emotionally safe, and that they matter. When communicating, make it your personal goal to send the message that your partner is important and what they have to say matters. Remember that your partner has value.
Take Turns: Create 20 minutes of uninterrupted discussions and take turns sharing your views, ideas, and thoughts. One person gets to be the talker and other person gets to be the listener. Take turns on each side.
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Free Valentine’s Day Ideas for Couples’s
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It is that time of year again where the stores get filled with Valentine’s decorations, red balloons, hearts, flowers, and lover’s cards. Some people get excited about this time of year, yet other people worry about the lack of funds to do something unique. Good news…you don’t have to spend money on loud restaurants filled with noise and strangers. You can create romance and enjoy your relationship without spending money.
Here are few FREE Valentine’s Day ideas to help build a strong relationship bond:
- Scavenger Hunt: Step out of the box and try something unique by creating a scavenger hunt around your home. Create clues that include favorite memories together, how you feel about your partner, and other fun items. Be creative and have fun!
- Backyard Dinner: Cook a dinner together (yes, it does say ‘together’) and have a romantic dinner in your own back yard. Set the tone with candles and music. Show your partner how much they matter by getting dressed up and enjoy the night. Not only do you get the privacy in your own back yard, but you don’t have a waiter/waitress randomly appearing in your relationship.
- Hike and Picnic: Step out of the daily grind of the city life and take a dive into Mother Nature. Find a nearby hiking location and enjoy the scenery with your partner. The nature of the hike will help you feel up-lifted and positive while bonding together. First, the exercise of hiking has the body naturally release “happy chemicals” (neurotransmitters) which positively improve the moods. Secondly, nature is calming, tranquil, and beautiful which can automatically create an uplifting feel. The hike will automatically impact how you both feel internally and you can connect through the hike. After you soak up the beauty of the hike, find a nice place to lie on a blanket and have a picnic.
- Game Night by the Fire: Take advantage of the cold weather (even if you live in sunny San Diego like I do) and have a fire in your fire place. Do you remember how you two used to connect when you first were together? Find that playful and flirty side and get back into the groove of laughing with one another. Find how you two used to connect when you first met each other and make it come back alive. It is there….you simply need to find it again.
- Bonfire and S’mores: Since I live in San Diego, I have to put this one in (I am sorry for those who don’t have bonfires as an option). Why stay at home when you can cuddle up around a bonfire and eat s’mores? Surprise your partner and take them to a bonfire. Cuddling up with your loved one while eating s’mores is an automatic bonding time…without costing money.
If you have other FREE ideas for Valentine’s Day, share your thoughts and make a comment here!
Other Articles for Valentine’s Day:
Is “Bring Home the Bacon” Too Much in Your Relationship?
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by Jennine Estes, MFT
You may know the feeling of hitting the snooze button just a few more times before you have to face your work day. You look at your partner lying comfortably in the bed as you crawl out of bed. The day races and you face the ups-and-downs of your job. At the end of the day, you arrive home to your partner who spent a few hours searching for a job and the rest enjoying the day, and you notice frustration increases inside. Your eyes scan the house and notice the household chores that haven’t been done. Does this sound familiar?
Due to the recession, many couples face the struggle to adjust to a single household income; one person working full-time and the other unemployed. The challenges these couples face can be consuming and overwhelming.
The working partner can feel the pressure and obligations to “bring home the bacon,” fear the loss of their job, and can build resentment towards their partner. Not only the emotional struggles of going to work daily a stress for the working partner, but also watching their partner go through the emotional rollercoaster of unemployment can be a strain.
Here are a few tips for the Working Partner to get through the tough times:
- Express Yourself: Share with your partner your experience as the only one working. Tell your partner of your stress, your fears, your resentments, and your desires. Get your partner to understand and be conscious of the pressures you face.
- Release Your Stress: Find ways to release your stress and dump it in a positive place. Don’t bring it home and throw it on your partner. Instead, put it onto paper and write about it, exercise, and talk about it with others.
- Share Your Expectations: Talk with your partner about both of your expectations during this time of the unemployment. Discuss the expectations as a team and create a game plan on how you two will be handling the issue.
- Ask for Help: When you are feeling overwhelmed or upset, ask your partner for help. You don’t have to carry your work responsibility AND household responsibilities on your own. Take off some of the load.
- Recognize Your Partner’s work: Simply because your unemployed partner isn’t working at a job, doesn’t mean that they aren’t working throughout the day. Ask about and notice the time they spent researching for jobs, filling out applications, sending resumes, etc. Notice the things that are done at the house, and try to avoid looking at what isn’t done.
© StickK.comReprinted by permission.
Photo by:http://www.flickr.com/photos/hillaryandanna/ / CC BY-SA 2.0
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Get your New Year’s Resolution to Stick!
Posted by: | CommentsMake your New Year’s Resolutions lasts!
Creating a New Year’s Resolutions is to help people improve life; such as losing weight, decreasing spending, improving health, creating stronger business, etc. A frequent problem is that people start off strong; working diligently day in and day out, and have it as an extreme focus. It lasts for a good few days or months, but quickly dwindles down to nothing. This is the “Yo-Yo Resolution;” starting from one extreme (all-in) to the other extreme (all-out).
A popular resolution is dieting: healthy eating becomes an extreme, rigid eating habits and workout routines. The workouts go from once a month to 5 times a week. The body goes into shell shock because of drastic change. The extremes actually cause an opposite effect and ultimately only lasts a temporary. Instead of creating a “yo-yo New Years Resolution,” create a long term change and make it a life style change without the extremes. Make it less rigid so you won’t jump ship.
What helps you keep your goals to stick all year? Share your ideas and make a comment to this post.
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Other Articles that may interest you:
- Money’s Tight? Tips to keep your relationship strong
- How Control creates the Opposite Reaction
