Archive for Sex and Intimacy
Sex Doesn’t Need to be a Job
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Sex doesn't have to be a job
Ladies….Sex Doesn’t Need to be a “Job”
Countless women across the world feel as if sex is more like a job and less of a special bonding time. When sex feels like a requirement or an expectation, the desire to be intimate can quickly dwindle away. Not only can it feel like a job, the ongoing pressures and the mental “to-do” list over take the mind and become a prominent thought. Even further, woman experience sex as a hassle, avoids the topic at all cost, is self conscious of their body, and/or dislikes the sexual act itself. Does this sound familiar?
The physical bond of intimacy is the rawest form of feeling attached and connected for couples. But what happens to relationships when sex feels like a job? This job-like view of sex eliminates the special connection, it prevents women from enjoying the experience, and it builds distance between two people. Good news, sex doesn’t have to be a job!
Here are a few things you can do to make sex less of a job.
- From “have to” to “want to:” Jobs have requirements, expectations, and deadlines. Sex shouldn’t be a job, nor should it have the pressures of having to perform a specific way. Change your thoughts from “having to” to “wanting to.”
- De-stress….(with Sex): According to Laura Berman, Ph.D., on www.msnbc.msn.com, she states, “When a woman is stressed, the hormonal changes in her body trigger a chemical reaction causing sex hormone–binding globulin to bind with testosterone cells, so they’re unavailable for libido and sexual response.” Let’s face it, many women face stress daily and it can get in the way. Take time to de-stress and unwind. Re-energize yourself by getting involved in daily activities you enjoy, take a nap, or go to the gym. Even better, try stepping out of the box and use sex to de-stress! “But when you have sex, you release feel-good hormones, including oxytocin and endorphins,” says James Coan, Ph.D. www.msnbc.msn.com.
- Mental Stimulation: Women aren’t known for having sex on their mind all the time. Men are known for being more aroused with imagery. Researcher Andrey P. Anokhin states that, “Women have responses as strong as those seen in men.” Shift your thoughts from it being a “job,” and imagine the excitement, the romance, and the sweet-spots of sex.
- Play: Sex doesn’t have to be monotonous. Try adding in toys, foreplay, touching, and playfulness. Don’t be afraid to try new things and be creative in the bedroom.
- Communicate: Couples build strong bonds through communication and creating a safe/secure emotional attachment. Communicate your needs, fears, and desires to your partner. Share with your partner what you may need from them to help you redefine sex as fun and less of a job. Sue Johnson wrote the book Hold Me Tight
and it addressed ways to create a secure attachment with your partner through communicating and creating safety. Check it out the book and see what you think.
- Quit the job: If you don’t like sex being a job, there is a simple fix…Quit the Job and make it a hobby.
Women…if you struggled with sex in the past and you found a way to work through this issue, SHARE what helped you! Help other women and either start a chat about this comment in the Relationships In the Raw Forum or comment to this post.
Other Articles:
- Coping with Stress in your Relationship
- How to Use Feng Shui for Love
- “Married to My Business Partner:” Tips to a Healthy Balance of Business and Love
Recovering from Rape: Surviving the “after-shock”
Posted by: | CommentsRelationship Counseling in San Diego
Rape is more than simply a trauma; it is a life long ordeal with continual distress. The forced sex takes away control, forces extreme violation, causes physical pains, and creates severe emotional trauma. Recovering from such a traumatic incident can be challenging and life altering. Some people find themselves reaching out to others for support and comfort. Others may hold things in, shut down, numb-out, or even become self destructive. All of which are ways in which the body is saying, “I am hurting. I need to feel safe. I need to heal.”
The aftermath can be painful, lonely, and overwhelming. The body remembers trauma and needs to heal by regrouping, reorganizing, and gaining a sense of control again.
The rape happened, now what?
You may not have had control for what happened, but you have the choice to gain control now and heal! You can…and will take control.
Here are a few things to help you gain control:
- Make a Rape Recovery and Empowerment Box: Here you can learn about making a box for your recovery. Take steps to say goodbye to the trauma, process your emotions, and visually see the steps occurring.
- Start therapy: I believe no one should go through recovery alone. The rape can not only hurt you as an individual, it can also get in the way of having a healthy relationship emotionally and sexually.
- Encouraging Music: One of my favorite musicians, Jack Pryor, wrote a song about encouragement and taking victory from sexual abuse. He has kindly offered this song to be downloaded for free to help you and others through the healing process.
- Journal: Many thoughts may run through your mind. Take a proactive approach and put your emotions onto paper. Dump it there…and start to make sense of it.
- Get your partner on board: Your partner needs to understand the emotional impact the rape had on you. Find ways to share your thoughts, feelings, and fears.
- Self defense class: Take a self defense class where you feel confident in defending yourself.
$20 (or less) Date Nights: Recession-Proof your Marriage (Series 2)
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Every one (and I think I can say this as a blanket statement) is impacted in one way or another from the economic stress; businesses closing, loss of jobs, constant worry about job security, foreclosing the home, friends struggling, or simply the news telling you another bad thing. Anxiety may be higher than ever, but this doesn’t mean you have to stop connecting with your partner. In fact, this is the time to support one another through the stress and help alleviate the pain.
A few years back, my husband was in school and I was starting my therapy practice. We didn’t have much money at the time, yet we realized the importance of nurturing the relationship. We started a game called $20 Date Night where every Friday night we switched off with creating the date. The goal is to create a date with only spending $20 or less. To our surprise, we came up with many dates; it just took imagination and creativity. To this day, we continue or date night challenge…
Don’t let the recession get in the way of your relationship. Take the challenge and create your own date…I dare you!!!
- Free Admission to the Museum: I live in sunny San Diego where many museums provide a free admission one day per month (each day is specific per museum). Take the time to admire artwork and see something new. Play a game with your partner and see if you can guess what each other like and dislike. Talk to your local museums and see if they have any discounts.
- Hike and a Picnic: Life gets busy with the every day routine and we can frequently take for granted the beauty of nature. Take a hike with your partner and bring along fresh fruits and homemade food for two. Relax and enjoy the tranquility of nature.
- Coffee and a Game: There are many coffee shops that provide game boards and books for their customers to use while enjoying coffee. Mix it up a bit… sip on a latte and challenge your partner at a game.
- A Night at home (without the kids): A night at home relaxing, watching movies, cuddling in bed, and connecting intimately is a date all on its own. Drop the kids off at a friend’s house for a no cost date. This free date is a huge investment in your relationship that will pay off in the long run. Don’t forget to stay away from cleaning, bills, or anything else that may keep you from focusing on one another.
- Dance Classes: Because I live in lovely San Diego, there are various restaurants/bars that provide a first time free dance lesson. Get dressed up and learn how to move your bodies together to the music.
- Skinny Dipping at home: Sometimes we simply need to step out of the box and do something exciting! If you have a pool, take off the clothes and jump in…No cost and a lot of fun.
Read my other article about $20 Date Night ideas for more ideas and share some of your own dates that are low cost! Also, learn how to keep your relationship strong when money is tight.
10 Top Tips Using Feng Shui for Love
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Where you live and work has an incredible effect on your health and well being. According to the EPA People on average; spend at least 87% of their time indoors. This is why creating peaceful and harmonious environments is so important. Here are some Feng Shui tips for your bedroom to make sure your environment is supportive and loving for your relationships.
1. Remove clutter
When you get rid of clutter, you are making room for romance. If you are single, create an empty space in your closet for a future lover’s things. If attached, make room in your drawers and closets so there is equal space for both you and your partner’s possessions. Remove items from past relationships
2. No TV or Exercise Equipment!
Keep the TV out of the bedroom. Any electronic equipment should be placed in the office or other area of the home. A TV in the bedroom is not conducive to romance. The bedroom is for lovin’ not work. A treadmill or workout machine in the bedroom makes your relationship exhausting.
3. Always have things in pairs
Replace mismatched night tables with a set to encourage equality in your relationship. Have a pair of lights show you want to share your life and home with your loved one.
4. Decorate your room in the right color
Shades of pink helps draw love to you easily and create a romantic mood. Red, used sparingly, can be a sexy, bold color that creates passion or help draw a new lover.
5. Check the statues and art in your bedroom
Replace any photos, sculptures or art of single people or figures. Replace them with happy couples. This simple change will help draw a wonderful partner! You should discard or put away photos and momentous of old flames. Gifts and anything with the ex’s energy on it, keeps new love at bay.
6. Bed placement
Having your bed up against a wall, pushes away your chance for love. You should have your bed positioned so there is enough space to walk on either side. Not in line with the door but being able to see the door as you sleep.
7. The size of your bed matters!
If you are single a single mattress is not a good idea or snoozing on a king size or single mattress doesn’t encourage romance. There’s too much space. Sleeping on a huge mattress won’t encourage intimacy. Invest in a full size or a queen. What’s under your bed affects your sleep.
8. Satin sheets
Think of sensual, soft, bedding when selecting pillows, sheets and comforters. Any type of bedding that creates a cozy environment is great for the bedroom
9. Rose quartz
Buy chunks of rose quartz, rose quartz hearts, rose quartz lamps and place them in your bedroom. This stone is known to draw love into your life, increase self love and help heal a broken heart.
10. Personal photos
Don’t display family and kid photos in the bedroom. This is said to hinder your sex life. Put them in the living or family room where they belong!
Set the mood – the mood in the bedroom is important too
Light scented candles, drape your lamps in sheer fabrics or lace. Keep lighting soft. Play romantic music.. Place “happy” photos of you and your honey on the dresser.
Amanda Collins is a Feng Shui Expert serving both residentials and corporate clients in San Diego. Learn more about her and how she works at www.sdfengshui.com or www.fengshuifusion.com.
Tips to Spice up the Bedroom Intimacy (Couples counseling is here to help)
Posted by: | CommentsWork, kids, dinner, cleaning, bills, errands, social life …the list is endless. One of our society’s theme for life is “keep working, keep doing.” It is very helpful for business, yet can creating more of a “routine” in the bedroom. Simply because life has a routine, doesn’t mean the intimacy needs to be on autopilot.
Here are a few tips to spice up the bedroom connection:
- Get out of Routine!! Surprise your partner by doing something out of the ordinary. If you meet him at the door with dinner, meet him at the door only wearing stilettos. If you have sex only in the morning, find a way to wake up in the middle of the night.
- Change your Role: Intimacy often comes with roles….make an effort to change your role to show your partner your interest. If your partner is the pursuer, make it your goal to pursue your partner.
- Change Locations. Sex shouldn’t have to be limited to one location and one position. Make an effort to change the location and do something out of the ordinary. If your intimacy is only consists of in the bedroom, find a way to bring it to new locations.
- Wear Lingerie: Dressing in sweats and long t-shirts to bed can be extremely comfortable, but it also doesn’t allow your partner to see your interest. This is not only for him, but for you as well. Feel sexy more often, while connecting in the bedroom.
- Start to Mind-Prep: Majority of men can become aroused simply be an image or thought. The downside is that women don’t function the same way! Many women have difficulty getting “in the mood” and need a little jump start. Start preparing your mind throughout the day to help you get in the mood.
- Slow-to-Warm: Many women need more to get them in the mood than just rubbing a special place. Partners need to understand that intimacy for many women starts in the morning with a kiss, continues through the day with stimulating conversation, and peaks in the bedroom. For some people, intimacy can be based off of connecting throughout the day.
- Ask About Needs: Your partner isn’t a mind reader and might not be able to know exactly what you want. Ask and show your partner what you like and what you want within the intimacy. Don’t forget to ask your partner about what they want and need in the bedroom.
Beat your relationships blues and create healthy communication. Another article that might be helpful: Rekindling Romance
Rekindling the Romance: Easy Ways You can get Your Relationship Back on Track
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We all know the story. On your wedding day, you are absolutely in love with your soon to be spouse. Most couples often feel a sense of absolute happiness, love, connection, and excitement. You may not look back on your wedding day with those exact feelings… but the next part of this story may sound more familiar. The bond probably seemed so tight that nothing could pull it apart…but, you learned otherwise. What happened to that bond after many years of routine and added responsibility such as children, work, bills, cleaning, health, and all of life’s other little obstacles? Somewhere the relationship got moved to the “back burner” and just surviving day-to-day life became the central focus. While you were living the daily American routine of working too much and trying to cope with Life’s ongoing struggles, the romance that sparked the marriage began to diminish.
I am going to teach you what you already know; marriage doesn’t have to be routine, boring and dry. It may not be easy, and it may not always be fun. How you experience saving your relationship often depends on…. Yes, you guessed it…You. Hopefully you and your significant other are both trying to fix things, but right now, this is about You. The following quick tips will help You get the romance to spark again:
- Flare-up the Flirt: Find ways to flirt with your partner and show him/her you are interested in connecting with him/her. Try to show your playful mood where you can and have fun and connect in a flirting way. Spice it up a bit…I dare you.
- Maintain the connection: We all know life gets busy… with late hours at work, taking kids to soccer practice, running errands, etc. Make your relationship a priority and schedule time each week alone together. Make this time together mutually enjoyable and a way to maintain your emotional connection. And yes…this means time away from the television. Create a time and place where there are no distractions and no responsibilities… just like it used to be.
- Slow it down: You are probably well known for giving, giving, and giving some more. But, by the end of the night, you find yourself so exhausted from your day that you no longer have any energy for your partner. An easy way to help fight this relationship killer is to slow down and find ways to rejuvenate and re-energize throughout the day. Not only will you save your own sanity, but the more energized you are, the more you can be available for your partner at the end of the night.
- Remember the past: Take a look back on how you used interact in your relationship. In the past were you overwhelmed with work and life? Or were you energetic, enthusiastic and ready to take on life’s challenges? Did you wait until 6pm to have a real conversation with your partner or did you call each other throughout the day? Think of what you used to do back in the good ol’ days and try to recreate some of those same themes.
If your relationship is missing the spark and you would like to build a healthier relationship, please visit My Website to schedule an appointment and learn more about how I work as a therapist.
Going to Bed Angry: A therapist’s thoughts on this idea.
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A commonly known advice for relationships is for couples to never go to bed angry. This idea has such a great value. It addresses the idea of how couples may feel if going to bed angry, such as feeling emotionally disconnected and unattached, or fear of having unresolved issues getting in the way. This advice is absolutely a great and valuable tool for staying connected and securely attached to your partner. Think about it…going to bed angry in the relationship can create a terrible feeling; it can keep people up all night, have terrible sleep, or many other painful experiences. For many couples, this advice is perfect for their relationship. Obviously, I am a therapist and I truly believe in resolving any and all conflicts, but this doesn’t work for everyone.
Couples faced with relationship conflict often attempt to resolve the issue to the best that they can. When in conflict, couples try to resolve the issue through continuous fighting, arguing, and then resulting into a more damaged relationship. Damaging a relationship is far more dangerous than going to bed angry.
The bigger issue is for those who keep trying to resolve an issue, and it keeps getting worse, escalating, and turning into a big disaster. Going to bed without the issue resolved might actually protect the relationship. Many people don’t see it this way, nor does it feel like that from the person on the receiving end. On the receiving end it might feel as if your partner doesn’t care, as if they give up on the relationship. But as a matter of fact, this might be a wise thing to do. It can protect the relationship from getting out of hand. If you have seen your relationship escalate in times of disagreement, then maybe taking a break, falling asleep, and addressing the issue when you are less emotionally reactive might actually benefit your relationship.
Remember, sometimes going to bed angry really isn’t that bad.
If you are struggling in your relationship and you live in San Diego, visit my main website to schedule an appointment for Marriage Counseling.
Bedroom Messages: What message do you want to send?
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What messages do you send to your partner in the bed? Do you send the message that you are open for intimacy? Do you show that you care?
Take a look at what non-verbal messages you send to your partner. Think about how they might respond.
If you are finding that you and your partner aren’t conneting, you could benefit from therapy addressing sexual issues. Please contact me to schedule an appointment.
Body Language Speaks Louder than Words
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Have you ever wondered why your partner keeps hearing something totally different from what you are saying? The message you are sending may be very different from your words. In his book Silent Messages, Dr. Albert Mehrabian says that the majority of communication is through body language and tone of voice, not what is said. He calls it the “7%-38%-55% Rule.” Fifty-five percent of other people’s reactions to you are based on your facial expression, 38% based on your tone of voice, and only 7%of their reaction is from the words you are actually saying. While we usually know what we are saying, often we do not know what other messages we are sending through body language. Want to find out?
Be aware of your body language while you communicate with your partner. Do you appear to be interested, engaged in what your partner has to say? Or are your arms crossed with an eye brow raised, looking disgusted even while you are trying to say in words, “I care about what you are saying.” If the words you use conflict with your nonverbals – that is, your body language and tone of voice – your partner will believe the nonverbals every time.
Quick Tips to Build Trust in Your Relationship
Posted by: | CommentsAre you trying to Build your Trust in San Diego?
It is very important to show your partner that you are trust-worthy….and here are some quick tips for thoses who live in San Diego.
1. Follow through with what you say. If you tell your partner that you will be home by 8:00, come home no later than 8:00pm. If you are going to be late, call them and let them know ahead of time.
2. Don’t be unrealistic. Avoid saying that you will “Always” have your cell phone on or you will “Never” turn your phone off. This is unrealistic. Sometimes your phone will die or you might forget it or you might not hear it ring. Instead, tell your partner that you will try your best to answer the phone. And then….follow through with what you say (tip #1).
3. Let your Partner in. If you have a wall up, it hides things and creates a suspicious feeling from your partner. Avoid the suspicious behavior and be an open book. The more open you are, the more trust you can build.
4. Keep your eyes on your goal. Body language speaks louder than words….and so does your eye focus. If you are talking to your partner and a beautiful woman walks by, keep your eyes on your partner. If your goal is to build trust, then your actions have to show it. If you want your partner to be self-conscious, then keep looking at other women. It is your choice.
5. Make time for Communication. Communication can create a safe and comfortable feeling in your relationship. The more communication and feelings of safety, the more the trust can build.
If you have a history of trust being broken in your relationship, it might take more than these behaviors. You will have to resolve the past so it doesn’t interfere with your current behaviors. Possibly working with a professional therapist can help. Visit http://www.estestherapy.com/ or call me at (619) 471-7104. San Diego Counseling to help Build Trust and improve your Communicaiton in the Relationship.
I want to help you get your relationship back on track.
