Archive for Communication
Listen or Give Advice? How to determine which way to respond to your partner or friend
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Sometimes our partner, friend, or family member might share a stressful story, discuss their daily struggle, or express concerns about a topic…. But you have no idea what response might be the proper one. How do you know what they need during a chat, whether it’s just a willing an ear to listen or to give constructive advice? This is no simple task…no matter if it is for friendships or intimate relationships.
Here are a few hints about how you might pick up on which one they might need.
o Ask what they want: We can read minds…so if you don’t know what they want, simply ask if they want advice, to figure out a solution, or to simply be a sounding board. You won’t ever really know what they want unless you find out directly from them. Never assume what your friend wants. Check in ask what you can do to be helpful. Ask if they want to hear a few of your ideas or suggestions, and respect what your friend says they want or need. Never assume what your friend wants.
o Phrases Used: If your partner or friend says, “I don’t know what to do,” this is a great place to ask if they’d like a few ideas or to brainstorm ideas together. Pauses are also signs that you can share some ideas and give your feedback. Ask them if they want any suggestions and find out what options they have compiled. Most people usually try problem solving and have come up with a variety of options to dealing with the stress, yet still feel overwhelmed by the situation. Don’t just simply toss out constructive advice if they don’t ask for it. Ask what they have come up with for options before you over load them problem solving.
o NonVerbal Cues: Some people show the sign of simply “releasing the steam” by endless talk about the problem and hardly ever speaking of a solution. When people discuss the problem over and over and over, this can be a sign that your friend/partner simply is looking for a sounding board. But don’t rely on this alone, people aren’t predictable and may want help solving the problem. Be quick to listen, slow to speak…pay attention if your friend is asking for help or simply describing a difficult situation. If your friend/partner pauses often, this might be a sign that they are looking for help or guidance. Tell her /him that you have a few ideas and ask if they would be open to hearing the ideas. Don’t push suggestions if she/he isn’t asking you for it.
o Don’t GUESS What They Want: One of the biggest mistakes is to guess what your friend or partner might need. Humans are unpredictable; we change our minds daily, hourly, minute-by-minute, and emotion-by-emotion. So don’t guess and “try” different things each time. Instead, stop your quick knee-jerk reaction to give advice that you think they might want or to solve the problem. Listen to the big picture of the story. Try to understand what they are facing, and then ask what they need.
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Other Articles that may interest you:
Get Your Relationship Un-Stuck and Back on Track
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Get your Relationship Un-Stuck: By Jennine Estes
Relationships are full of ups and down, ins and outs. Some couples get caught on the “down” side and fall into the nasty hole of disconnection, loneliness, and dullness. In many ways, it can feel as if being stuck in a bottom of a ditch; nothing to grab onto to climb out, and the more work to dig your way out, the more dirt falls in. Many couples try to make repair attempts to climb their way out of the deep hole, but the more it barriers them with more issues to work through. Does any of this sound?
Getting caught in a ditch with no tools and no latter, can be exhausting. Couples simply need a bit of hope and team work to help them climb their way out. Here are a few simple steps you can do to begin spicing up your relationship and climbing out of the ditch:
- Get out of Routine: Many couples fall into routine, get used to the fact that they have a partner, and over look nurturing the relationship. Stop watching television nightly, stop making sex a routine, and stop waiting on your partner. Find a way to surprise your partner and do something different.
- Get Re-energized: Begin creating excitement and energy in your life by focusing on you. Take your lunch break and meet up with a friend, or get energy by joining a group, or start a new hobby. Any sense of energy is better than no energy. The excitement you have in your personal life can boost your motivation to crawl out of the pit.
- Talk about it: Begin a conversation about being stuck; share with one another about what it is like to be stuck in the ditch, talk about things that might help you two get motivated, and problem solve about other options for climbing out.
- Comfort one another: When you two have been trying to dig your way out, it can get tough. Hold and comfort one another while going through the tough times. Tell your partner that you two will find a way to get out. Remember, you aren’t the only one stuck in the ditch.
- Look for the Good Stuff: When the disconnection is overwhelming and the energy is low, the optimistic thoughts dwindle away. Take an active approach and look for the good stuff in the relationship. Think positive and shift your thoughts from doubtful to hopeful.
- Seek Professional Help: When the tough gets going, and the digging only makes things worse, it is time to start yelling for someone to help you find a way out. A professional, such as a couple’s therapist, isn’t stuck in the ditch and can toss down a rope to help you climb out.
© StickK.com Reprinted by permission.
May 8th: Couple’s Relationship Retreat
Posted by: | CommentsThe Couple’s Retreat: Real Answers for Real Relationships
Is your relationship stuck?
Are you tired of the endless fighting?
Does your relationship need a tune-up?
May 8th Jennine Estes, your San Diego Marriage and Family Therapist, is putting on a relationship retreat that is cost effective and unique. It will provide couples with tools on building a stronger relationship, creating healthy communication, and getting relationships back on track. This unique retreat allows couples to decide how much they want to spend on the relationship. You can either simply come to the workshop, or stay for the date night, or even stay the weekend. It is all your choice.
The Relationship Retreat includes:
- 4 Hour Relationship Workshop:
- How to stop the endless arguments
- Steps for healthy communication
- Sex, Sex, Sex…reconnecting in the bedroom
- Awaken your fading love
- Identify and avoid toxic patterns
- Get your partner to clearly understand you and your needs (and vice versa)
- Reconnect and revive your relationship
- Relationship Package:
- 30 Day Challenge Ebook
- Date Night Calendar
- Relationships in the Raw Articles
- Date Night on Us: Dress your best for your partner because your going on a date
- Sunset Cruise in Mission Bay
- Dinner at the Atoll Restaurant
- Makeup Artist
Where: Catamaran Hotel Spa in San Diego
When: May 8th, 2010
Time: Starts at 12:00pm
Cost: $130 per couple
Register: Register online
Relationship Advice: How to Stop Interrupting
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Interrupting can be a bad habit….and it automatically shuts down lines of communication. When we are so eager and in hurry to get our point across, it is difficult to slow down and not interrupt the other person. The quick interjection and cutting off the other person sends out a bad message that they don’t matter. The receiving end can feel as if your invisible, what you have to say does not matter, and you’re not important. There are good intentions bind this approach, yet it unfortunately sends the opposite message.
Here are a few quick tips on how to stop the bad habit of interrupting:
Remember it’s Not Your Turn: Remind yourself that it is your partner’s turn to talk. Have your mind focused on your partner and what they are saying. It is their turn, so your job is to simply listen and try to understand what it is like to be in their shoes.
Bite your Tongue: If you disagree or have something to say, bite your tongue, pinch your arm, and count to 10 in your head. Slow down your response and help keep yourself ground by biting your tongue.
Breathe: Take a deep breath to calm down your reaction and remember that you want your partner to be active in the relationship. Sometimes just taking a breath will help slow down our reactions.
Take a Mental Note: If something comes to mind, take a mental note to share your point of view later. Your voice and your views matter, so take note of it and bring it up when it is your turn to talk.
Active Listening: Put into practice the active listening tool. Your job at that moment is to show your partner that you are listening, try to understand what your partner is saying, and stop thinking about what your next response will be. Start active listening, stop talking, and stop the active interruptions.
Value Your Partner: Successful communication is to make your partner feel important, emotionally safe, and that they matter. When communicating, make it your personal goal to send the message that your partner is important and what they have to say matters. Remember that your partner has value.
Take Turns: Create 20 minutes of uninterrupted discussions and take turns sharing your views, ideas, and thoughts. One person gets to be the talker and other person gets to be the listener. Take turns on each side.
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Other Related Articles:
Is “Bring Home the Bacon” Too Much in Your Relationship?
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by Jennine Estes, MFT
You may know the feeling of hitting the snooze button just a few more times before you have to face your work day. You look at your partner lying comfortably in the bed as you crawl out of bed. The day races and you face the ups-and-downs of your job. At the end of the day, you arrive home to your partner who spent a few hours searching for a job and the rest enjoying the day, and you notice frustration increases inside. Your eyes scan the house and notice the household chores that haven’t been done. Does this sound familiar?
Due to the recession, many couples face the struggle to adjust to a single household income; one person working full-time and the other unemployed. The challenges these couples face can be consuming and overwhelming.
The working partner can feel the pressure and obligations to “bring home the bacon,” fear the loss of their job, and can build resentment towards their partner. Not only the emotional struggles of going to work daily a stress for the working partner, but also watching their partner go through the emotional rollercoaster of unemployment can be a strain.
Here are a few tips for the Working Partner to get through the tough times:
- Express Yourself: Share with your partner your experience as the only one working. Tell your partner of your stress, your fears, your resentments, and your desires. Get your partner to understand and be conscious of the pressures you face.
- Release Your Stress: Find ways to release your stress and dump it in a positive place. Don’t bring it home and throw it on your partner. Instead, put it onto paper and write about it, exercise, and talk about it with others.
- Share Your Expectations: Talk with your partner about both of your expectations during this time of the unemployment. Discuss the expectations as a team and create a game plan on how you two will be handling the issue.
- Ask for Help: When you are feeling overwhelmed or upset, ask your partner for help. You don’t have to carry your work responsibility AND household responsibilities on your own. Take off some of the load.
- Recognize Your Partner’s work: Simply because your unemployed partner isn’t working at a job, doesn’t mean that they aren’t working throughout the day. Ask about and notice the time they spent researching for jobs, filling out applications, sending resumes, etc. Notice the things that are done at the house, and try to avoid looking at what isn’t done.
© StickK.comReprinted by permission.
Photo by:http://www.flickr.com/photos/hillaryandanna/ / CC BY-SA 2.0
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Other Helpful Articles from Relationships In the Raw:
“How to Make a Decision When We Disagree?” Couples Advice
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What should we do when we both feel right when we disagree? How should our disagreement be handled while making a decision? These questions are common….especially since “most marital arguments cannot be resolved,” stated by John Gottman in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. To make a decision when both partners disagree is an issue I continue to see in my therapy practice.
I’m sorry to say that there isn’t a magic-wand to correct the issue, but there are a variety of things you two can do to come to a decision without creating conflict! Here are a few quick tips on making a decision:
- Rate it: Take a step back and evaluate how important the decision actually is to you. Rate how important the issue is on a scale 1-10 (1= not important at all, 5= Neutral, 10= extremely important). This will help you determine if it is worth fighting for or to leave it alone. And if you find that you are passionate about most decisions and every issue is rated high, this is your hint to take a deep look within. The more “right” you have to be, the more it influences your partner to fight to be heard.
- Flip-Flop Decisions: Instead of battling out making decisions, take turns on who gets the last say. Rotating the decisions creates a feeling of being more connected because both people get turns and a chance to lead the relationship.
- Figure out the Underlying issue: Ask your self , “Why is it so important to have the last say?” Is it because you simply need your partner to hear you or to validate you? Is it because you may feel powerless and fighting for just this one issue gives you more validity in the relationship? Or is it because you want to know that you have value and needed by your partner? Your “head strong” approach can send a negative message to your partner and not address what the underlying reason is. Understand why the issue is so important and share it in a clear manner. The more direct, the better.
- Communicate! If you have read any of my other articles, you probably have learned that I am a BIG fan of communication. Try to discuss the importance of the issue in a calm manner. Speak up and share the significance without a “tone” and avoid biting your tongue. The less “avoiding,” the better your partner will understand the impact it has on you. If you are “head strong,” try to share with your partner the importance without it coming out as “anger” or “frustration.” It is important that you both feel validated and heard, so take time to share and validate one another. The book Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love
by Sue Johnson can help you learn how to communicate and build a healthy bond.
- Team: Don’t forget that making a decision of “who gets the last say” is still team work. Give reassurance to your partner and try to support one another while handling the difficult decision. Relationships can’t win if there are two opposing teams!
- Avoid Win/Lose Concept: Avoid trying to battle simply to have victory and your partner has defeat. “Team” quickly becomes non-existent and the power struggle will keep your relationship in an uneven pattern of one-up and one-down type of relationship.
- Avoid Bottling Up Resentments: As humans, we face making decisions on a daily basis. Sometimes people “bottle up” emotions of ongoing compromises they have done. Have you compromised too many times and this time you just won’t cave? The more “bottling up,” the more it creates pressure, resentments, and resistance to finding a middle ground. Instead of waiting for the next conflict, begin working on letting the steam out and share what bothers you. The less the bottling, the less pressure things will come out when you address the issue.
And if that still doesn’t work, then draw straws, flip a coin, or use the Magic 8 Ball!
What helps you and your partner make a decision? Share your tips here!
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Jennine Estes is a Marriage and Family Therapist in San Diego. To learn more about her therapy services or to schedule an appointment, visit her San Diego Couples Counseling website or call 619-471-7104.
Other Helpful Articles:
Text Fighting: Do’s and Don’ts to Text Messaging in your Relationship
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Have you ever had the day of desperately wanting your partner to understand how you feel, so you quickly grab the telephone and send a text message? And as you grab the cell phone, you rapidly write your response with your raw thoughts and emotions, and then press send button. While anxiously awaiting a response, you check your phone various times within just a few seconds. As the response from your partner comes through, you quickly become upset and throw a text message right back….and the text fighting begins. This text fighting can be a road to a disaster for many couples.
Many couples fall into the rut of communicating through text messaging and may frequently use it as a tool to resolve conflict. The electronic communication has its ups and its downs. But what happens when the text messaging becomes a form of conflict and hurt to the relationship? Our current society relies heavily on electronics as a form of communication, yet the challenge is how to communicate your thoughts, feelings, and reactions effectively through text messaging.
Here are a few “Do’s and Don’ts” to Text Messaging to keep your relationship intact:
- Do send your thoughts of love, admiration, and appreciation. Use text messaging as a form to send your positive thoughts and feelings towards your partner.
- Don’t try to resolve conflict over text messaging. If you and your partner have a history of unsuccessful text messaging during conflict, avoid using your cell phone and wait until you see each other.
- Do remember that your partner may not be available all hours of the day. Remember that they may be in a place where they aren’t able to respond quickly. Don’t expect your partner to be available via text all hours of the day. This is unrealistic and can actually create problems in the relationship.
- Don’t bite back. Simply because your partner “bites” in a text message, this doesn’t give you the green light to “bite” back. Try to respond with respect and love.
- Do tell your partner when conflict arises that you will address it when the two of you are able to speak to one another. Speaking face-to-face allows the two of you to use all verbal and nonverbal communication styles. (See my article on verbal/nonverbal communication with text messaging)
- Don’t send angry text messages that include attacking comments, criticism, name calling, foul language, or degrading comments. Your partner can keep track of the hurtful text messages and quickly be reminded of how you are hurtful. Re-read the text messages before you send the messaging, and make sure it has respectful and safe messages.
- Do take a few moments to calm your nerves before you send a reply to your partner. Re-read your text to edit, delete, or add to it. Try to step out of your shoes and into your partner’s shoes with receiving your message.
- Don’t forget to remind your partner that you two are a team. The more of a team, the less there needs to be attacks for defensiveness.
- Do use text messaging as a way to communicate about simple, day-to-day issues. Use this as a means to communicate about “non-emotional provoking” issues.
Other Articles that may be of interest:
- Text Fighting: Communication is more than words
- Advice for Coping with Stress and Relationship Conflict
- Bedroom Messages: Communication in the Bedroom
- How can Counseling/Therapy be helpful?
To learn more about the Author Jennine Estes (Marriage and Family Therapist MFC#47653), please visit her main website Estes Therapy San Diego
Text Fighting: Communication is more than Words
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Have you ever had one of those lengthy text fights that go nowhere? You are not alone. I work with many couples in relationship counseling that get caught in text fighting. Cell phones provide quick and convenient communication through text messaging, yet couples fall into a downward spiral of text fighting.
Dr. Albert Mehrabian reports in his book Silent Messages that the majority of communication is through body language and tone of voice, not what is said. He calls it the “7%-38%-55% Rule.” Fifty-five percent of other people’s reactions to you are based on your facial expression, 38% based on your tone of voice, and only 7% of their reaction are from the words you are actually saying. Communication is more than words. Addressing relationship problems through text messaging relies only on the 7% of what is being said, which requires the other 93% to be guessed. Text fighting is usually a road to disaster and doesn’t help resolve conflict.
Next time you catch yourself picking up your phone to text fight, write down your thoughts on the convenient notepad in your cell phone. Address the issue in person to avoid guessing the tone of voice and body language.
Get to know the San Diego Couples Therapist intern Jennine Estes, her journey to the therapy world, and her media appearances.
10 Top Tips Using Feng Shui for Love
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Where you live and work has an incredible effect on your health and well being. According to the EPA People on average; spend at least 87% of their time indoors. This is why creating peaceful and harmonious environments is so important. Here are some Feng Shui tips for your bedroom to make sure your environment is supportive and loving for your relationships.
1. Remove clutter
When you get rid of clutter, you are making room for romance. If you are single, create an empty space in your closet for a future lover’s things. If attached, make room in your drawers and closets so there is equal space for both you and your partner’s possessions. Remove items from past relationships
2. No TV or Exercise Equipment!
Keep the TV out of the bedroom. Any electronic equipment should be placed in the office or other area of the home. A TV in the bedroom is not conducive to romance. The bedroom is for lovin’ not work. A treadmill or workout machine in the bedroom makes your relationship exhausting.
3. Always have things in pairs
Replace mismatched night tables with a set to encourage equality in your relationship. Have a pair of lights show you want to share your life and home with your loved one.
4. Decorate your room in the right color
Shades of pink helps draw love to you easily and create a romantic mood. Red, used sparingly, can be a sexy, bold color that creates passion or help draw a new lover.
5. Check the statues and art in your bedroom
Replace any photos, sculptures or art of single people or figures. Replace them with happy couples. This simple change will help draw a wonderful partner! You should discard or put away photos and momentous of old flames. Gifts and anything with the ex’s energy on it, keeps new love at bay.
6. Bed placement
Having your bed up against a wall, pushes away your chance for love. You should have your bed positioned so there is enough space to walk on either side. Not in line with the door but being able to see the door as you sleep.
7. The size of your bed matters!
If you are single a single mattress is not a good idea or snoozing on a king size or single mattress doesn’t encourage romance. There’s too much space. Sleeping on a huge mattress won’t encourage intimacy. Invest in a full size or a queen. What’s under your bed affects your sleep.
8. Satin sheets
Think of sensual, soft, bedding when selecting pillows, sheets and comforters. Any type of bedding that creates a cozy environment is great for the bedroom
9. Rose quartz
Buy chunks of rose quartz, rose quartz hearts, rose quartz lamps and place them in your bedroom. This stone is known to draw love into your life, increase self love and help heal a broken heart.
10. Personal photos
Don’t display family and kid photos in the bedroom. This is said to hinder your sex life. Put them in the living or family room where they belong!
Set the mood – the mood in the bedroom is important too
Light scented candles, drape your lamps in sheer fabrics or lace. Keep lighting soft. Play romantic music.. Place “happy” photos of you and your honey on the dresser.
Amanda Collins is a Feng Shui Expert serving both residentials and corporate clients in San Diego. Learn more about her and how she works at www.sdfengshui.com or www.fengshuifusion.com.
Relationship Advice: How to Damage your Relationship
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- Dateless days: Relationships are like flowers; they need the frequent care of water, nutrients in the soil, and daily sun light. Relationships similarly can’t grow without frequent care of one-on-one time, such as date nights. The time of couples focused on one another, creating emotional connection and building a stronger connection in the relationship. Don’t forget to water the relationship with adding on Dates!
- Computer love: Electronics are becoming more and more part of the American routine; however, the technology of text messaging and internet can create a wall between two people. I often see couples sitting side by side out to dinner, yet they vanished away into their own individual electronic worlds. Technology is getting in the way and distracting them from the relationship.
- Friendship Focal Points: For social butterflies, socializing is key and very significant for maintaining relationships. The problem for couples is when either one or both people put more emphasis on friendships and don’t create a healthy balance. When friendship is the main focal point, then the relationship shifts to the peripheral vision.
- No “Check-ins:” Quite frequently, partners may hear different messages than what their partner is actually meaning to say. The problem is that the simple step of checking in is overlooked and then reactions take over, starting the communication war.
- Back Burner Choices: When life gets tough, substance (such as drinking, shopping, eating, etc) is used to help alleviate stress and take away the emotional pain. Unfortunately, the choice of substance automatically puts the other partner on the back burner…creating the feeling as if they aren’t willing to navigate through the rough times by the side of their partner.
- Unsafe Zones: Safety is the comfort of your partner knowing that they can rely on you, get comfort from you, and know the . When someone criticizes, gets angry quickly, speaks down to, or over looks your emotional needs, it can create the sense of “it isn’t safe and my needs won’t be met.” This tends to push away partners and have them get comfort on their own or look for it in other ways.
- Avoiding Tough Topics: Many people avoid tough discussions with their partner as a way to keep the relationship tightly connected; however it doesn’t create space to resolve issues. The partner on the receiving end may feel as you “go away” or “don’t care,” creating a feeling as if they have to hold on tighter, cling on, and get you to open up…which can actually push you further away.
- Email Snooping: An insecurely attached relationship can feel terrible, with fear and overly concern with what the other person is doing. Some partners take it upon themselves to do the investigation and search through emails to either confirm or deny their worst fears…a way to get comfort for their worry. The problematic part of this email snooping is that the insecure attachment does not get resolved, and the distress in the relationship becomes magnified.
- Holding on Too Tight: When the attachment is not secure, it can create a terrible feeling of fear of losing the relationship. Some people may want to feel secure and take away the discomfort by holding on very tightly and squeezing their partner extremely hard that they can’t breathe. When the holding is too tight, the partner on the receiving end will need to take a breath of air by pulling away….and the cycle of keeping the relationship insecurely attached continues.
- No Follow Through: Many people tell their partner one thing, and then do something different. For example, saying that you will be home by 6:00pm and then come home at 7:00pm. No follow through shows your partner that they can’t rely on you.
- Infidelity: An affair on the side WILL damage the relationship…duh.
If you want to work on creating a healthy attachment in your relationship, give me a call. Please visit my main San Diego Therapy site to schedule an appointment.
