Relationships in the Raw: Tips to build healthy communication

Several summers ago my husband I went to a local ski resort (yes, in the summer) where we went up the lifts, and then down the tails on our mountain bikes. It was a beautiful vista, with a bright clear sky, wind blowing at our face, and nature surrounding us. It was a beautiful day. Then my husband pushed me to my limits…by having me ride my mountain bike down narrow and rocky trails. I was terrified. I was afraid of getting hurt, so I tried my best to control the bike and the speed. The faster I went, the more fear I felt, and the more I tried to control the speed. The more speed, the more I had to use the brakes. Well, the more breaking you do going down a steep mountain with rocks, the more dangerous it becomes. I learned quickly…the more breaking, the more the bike seemed out of control.

I share this story to illustrate a common theme I see in relationships. The more we try to control uncomfortable situations, the more dangerous they become.

When we get worried or afraid of getting hurt, we often then try to control the situation. The reality is that the controlling usually causes the opposite response. The more I tried to be in control going down the mountain, the worse I got hurt. However, once I relaxed, maintained my momentum, and let the bike do it’s thing, the smoother the ride became, and likewise, the safer I became. Weird, huh?

Attempts at over controlling a relationship or personal goal can take many forms. For example; gaining weight…the more we try to control it, the harder it becomes to loose weight. The more we try to get our partner to take out the garbage when it becomes full, the longer it will sit there. The more we try to get our partner to stop drinking, the more they drink. The more you tell me to eat chocolate cake every day, the more I will refuse (even though I love chocolate cake). Are you catching on?

Relationships require guidance, not control. Let the relationship take its course. Influence the relationship, guide it where you want it to go, and have a voice, but avoid trying to over control by telling your partner how, when and what they need to do. In my couple’s therapy sessions, I frequently run into this issue. Another pattern I see is that no matter how much control and hurt that goes on, couples continue to repeat the same behavior. Learn how to break the cycle and let go of controlling the relationship. Relationships should be easy, not a challenge. Don’t try to control the speed, simply be there and learn how to influence your partner and guide the relationship down the rocky mountain. Remember why you decided to have the experience, and remember to relax and enjoy the view.

If you are having problems with control in your relationship, couples counseling could help. Visit my San Diego Couples Therapy website to schedule an appointment.