Relationships in the Raw: Tips to build healthy communication

Many couples have the stress with finances and struggle to keep the marriage securely attached.  Marriage needs to be nurtured, similar to growing a flower.  It needs sun light, water, nutrients from the soil, and time to grow.

A few years back, my husband was in school and I was starting my therapy practice.  We didn’t have much money at the time, yet wanted to keep the relationship strong and connected.  We started a game called $20 Date Night.  We scheduled every Friday night for date night and we switched off with creating the date.  The goal of date night is to create a date with only spending $20.  To our surprise, we came up with many dates for $20 or less; it just took imagination and creativity.  To this day, we continue or date night challenge…

Date night is a relationship necessity and priority… just like giving a plant its water and sunlight on a regular basis.  I encourage you to take the challenge and create your $20 date night!  Don’t let the lack of money get in the way of your relationship. Here are a few ideas on creating a $20 or less date night.  Take the challenge and create your own date…I dare you!!!

• Dinner for two: Find a local restaurant that provides a happy hour menu. Order several appetizers to share. Many restaurants have large portions and you two can be satisfied with simply a few items.
• Tiki Tourches: Why spend money if you can have your date in your own back yard? Spend a few dollars on tiki tourches and create a romantic ambiance without spending much money. Dinner outside and focusing on one another is a great way to nurture your relationship without hurting the bank account. Plus you don’t have to pay for babysitting!
• Sunset and Sandwiches: Take the time to watch a beautiful sunsets while eating gourmet sandwiches from your local deli. Cuddle up with a blanket and enjoy the view!
• Picnic at the Park: Nice weather, homemade food, and a cozy blanket can make the best date out at the park. The relaxing atmosphere and a place to focus on one another. Bring along a deck of cards or a
• Bonfire Dinners: Here in San Diego there are many different beaches to do a bonfire. If you have the luxury of a bonfire pit, take your partner out have dinner and shmores around the fire.
• Open-mic Night: Many coffee shops do an open microphone night for musicians, comedians, etc. Be adventurous and hit a coffee shop near you. The price of a latte and sugary scone might just hit the spot!
• Matinee Movie: Dates don’t have to be during the evening… matinee movies are great with cost and easy to still have time as a couple. Snuggle up and enjoy the movie.
• Movie and Snacks: Avoid the uncomfortable cuddling in a movie theatre and have a movie night at home. Spread out your favorite snack items, such as cheese, crackers, veggies, etc.

Share if you have any $20 date night ideas!

The holidays are time for family get-togethers, enjoying family and friends, laughing, and exchanging gifts.  But some families aren’t that lucky…and they get stuck with a “Scrooge.”   It can be exhausting to be around pessimistic comments, hearing the views of holidays as bad, or being told about “what isn’t right.” These ongoing negative comments can, rub off and bring you down.

Don’t get stuck in that holiday slumps!  Here are a few tips to survive the holiday:

· Filter the Comments: If a family member is negative, don’t let it dampen the mood.  Instead of letting the comments keep you down, filter the comments and only allow in the goods statements.

· Stop the “Negative Radar:” When we are aware of how negative a person reacts, we tend to build the “negative radar” and notice every complaint.  Instead, take off the “negative radar” and stop looking for the negative comments and reactions.  Don’t make the negative comments the first thing you think about or look for.  Focus your mind on the good things about the holiday, having fun with the other family members, and remembering the positive in the holiday.

· Shift Your View: Many people who are negative about the holidays often have a painful past or simply try to connect with others through self-pity and negativity.  The problem here is that it hurts relationships, rather than creating a connection or handling the past pains.  Shift your view and see that person as sad and attempting to connect with others (even though it doesn’t feel like it).  Try to look at them from a new lens.

· Re-Energize: Take brakes throughout the day, calm your nerves, and re-energize yourself.  When people get upset and bothered, the body reacts, it tightens up, and it takes shorter breathes.  Take deep breathes, oxygenate your body, and calm down.  If you notice getting agitated, take breaks away from the negative environment and step outside or taking “bathroom” breaks.  A 5-10 minute break can help re-energize and help you get through the day.

· Play a game: Take a challenge with your partner and bet on how many times a negative comment comes out.  Spice up the holiday a bit and play a game with it.  Learn how to see it as funny and something that can tighten your bond with your partner.  Make fun of the situation and don’t let it keep you down…. I dare you!

· Focus on the Goal: Remind yourself that there is an end and you get to go home.  Focus on why you are there, instead of getting irritated.  If your goal is to have a good holiday, make it happen!  Don’t let other people get in your way.

Check out a related article about the holiday stress: Surviving the Holidays

Separating work and home can be simple for most people. They go to work, handle stressful situations, manage their frustrations, interact with co-workers, and then leave the stress at the job site. Home is like a venting place; complain to the partner, share daily stories, talk about annoying coworkers, or even use home as place to relax and forget about the job.

People who are married to their business partner have added difficulty in separating work from home. Business talk and personal talk can blend; both occurring at all hours of the day. For many couples, the main question is when does work stop and the relationship start?

The blend in the marriage can have ups and downs. I work with a great deal of couples that co-own or co-operate businesses. The relationships with problems often have a common thread….an unbalanced relationship. Work can be consuming and in high demand, thus creating no time for the relationship. Couples often report that the relationship suffers and “finds it’s way in…when there is time.”

Why not have your cake and eat it too? You can find a healthy balance where your career and relationship are both successful.

1. Make your relationship a priority. Keeping your relationship and business successful is quite simplistic. Put a time frame on work. Set up a few times when you two are “off the clock.” This is the time you will no longer discuss work. Set aside time for the two of you to enjoy one another, to relax and connect. You get to now focus on the relationship and it can be a priority.
2. Create strong boundaries. When you are working, find respectful ways to discuss stressful situations. Because you are in a relationship, you might react or respond differently than speaking to a co-worker. Set up boundaries in the relationship. If you are working, make it work. Don’t take your partner’s stress personal.
3. Talk, Talk, Talk. As a relationship therapist intern, I can’t emphasize enough about the importance of communication. Work requires one type of communication, and relationships require another type of communication. Communicate with your partner how you feel and what might bother you. Let him in and teach him what you need.
4. Couples Time. Set up a consistent date time once a week…where work isn’t allowed to come in to the conversation. No matter how bad you want to talk about work, put it aside until you two are “on the clock.”
5. Use your resources. Many couples share their work day with their partner. But you don’t have this leisure. He already knows. You can’t vent about your co-worker to your partner. Go to a respected friend to talk about your stress and to vent. Or get couples counseling to help you two handle the stress.
6. Watch for Team Work. Notice how you two work as a team and support one another throughout the day. Provide feedback to your partner and tell him how much you appreciate his hard work. Pay attention to how you two make the business successful.

Another article that you might enjoy:  Coping with Stress: Letting out the steam

Several summers ago my husband I went to a local ski resort (yes, in the summer) where we went up the lifts, and then down the tails on our mountain bikes. It was a beautiful vista, with a bright clear sky, wind blowing at our face, and nature surrounding us. It was a beautiful day. Then my husband pushed me to my limits…by having me ride my mountain bike down narrow and rocky trails. I was terrified. I was afraid of getting hurt, so I tried my best to control the bike and the speed. The faster I went, the more fear I felt, and the more I tried to control the speed. The more speed, the more I had to use the brakes. Well, the more breaking you do going down a steep mountain with rocks, the more dangerous it becomes. I learned quickly…the more breaking, the more the bike seemed out of control.

I share this story to illustrate a common theme I see in relationships. The more we try to control uncomfortable situations, the more dangerous they become.

When we get worried or afraid of getting hurt, we often then try to control the situation. The reality is that the controlling usually causes the opposite response. The more I tried to be in control going down the mountain, the worse I got hurt. However, once I relaxed, maintained my momentum, and let the bike do it’s thing, the smoother the ride became, and likewise, the safer I became. Weird, huh?

Attempts at over controlling a relationship or personal goal can take many forms. For example; gaining weight…the more we try to control it, the harder it becomes to loose weight. The more we try to get our partner to take out the garbage when it becomes full, the longer it will sit there. The more we try to get our partner to stop drinking, the more they drink. The more you tell me to eat chocolate cake every day, the more I will refuse (even though I love chocolate cake). Are you catching on?

Relationships require guidance, not control. Let the relationship take its course. Influence the relationship, guide it where you want it to go, and have a voice, but avoid trying to over control by telling your partner how, when and what they need to do. In my couple’s therapy sessions, I frequently run into this issue. Another pattern I see is that no matter how much control and hurt that goes on, couples continue to repeat the same behavior. Learn how to break the cycle and let go of controlling the relationship. Relationships should be easy, not a challenge. Don’t try to control the speed, simply be there and learn how to influence your partner and guide the relationship down the rocky mountain. Remember why you decided to have the experience, and remember to relax and enjoy the view.

If you are having problems with control in your relationship, couples counseling could help. Visit my San Diego Couples Therapy website to schedule an appointment.

We all know the story. On your wedding day, you are absolutely in love with your soon to be spouse. Most couples often feel a sense of absolute happiness, love, connection, and excitement. You may not look back on your wedding day with those exact feelings… but the next part of this story may sound more familiar. The bond probably seemed so tight that nothing could pull it apart…but, you learned otherwise. What happened to that bond after many years of routine and added responsibility such as children, work, bills, cleaning, health, and all of life’s other little obstacles? Somewhere the relationship got moved to the “back burner” and just surviving day-to-day life became the central focus. While you were living the daily American routine of working too much and trying to cope with Life’s ongoing struggles, the romance that sparked the marriage began to diminish.

I am going to teach you what you already know; marriage doesn’t have to be routine, boring and dry. It may not be easy, and it may not always be fun. How you experience saving your relationship often depends on…. Yes, you guessed it…You. Hopefully you and your significant other are both trying to fix things, but right now, this is about You. The following quick tips will help You get the romance to spark again:

1. Flare-up the Flirt: Find ways to flirt with your partner and show him/her you are interested in connecting with him/her. Try to show your playful mood where you can and have fun and connect in a flirting way. Spice it up a bit…I dare you.
2. Maintain the connection: We all know life gets busy… with late hours at work, taking kids to soccer practice, running errands, etc. Make your relationship a priority and schedule time each week alone together. Make this time together mutually enjoyable and a way to maintain your emotional connection. And yes…this means time away from the television. Create a time and place where there are no distractions and no responsibilities… just like it used to be.
3. Slow it down: You are probably well known for giving, giving, and giving some more. But, by the end of the night, you find yourself so exhausted from your day that you no longer have any energy for your partner. An easy way to help fight this relationship killer is to slow down and find ways to rejuvenate and re-energize throughout the day. Not only will you save your own sanity, but the more energized you are, the more you can be available for your partner at the end of the night.
4. Remember the past: Take a look back on how you used interact in your relationship. In the past were you overwhelmed with work and life? Or were you energetic, enthusiastic and ready to take on life’s challenges? Did you wait until 6pm to have a real conversation with your partner or did you call each other throughout the day? Think of what you used to do back in the good ol’ days and try to recreate some of those same themes.

If your relationship is missing the spark and you would like to build a healthier relationship, please visit My Website to schedule an appointment and learn more about how I work as a therapist.

A commonly known advice for relationships is for couples to never go to bed angry.  This idea has such a great value.  It addresses the idea of how couples may feel if going to bed angry, such as feeling emotionally disconnected and unattached, or fear of having unresolved issues getting in the way.  This advice is absolutely a great and valuable tool for staying connected and securely attached to your partner.  Think about it…going to bed angry in the relationship can create a terrible feeling; it can keep people up all night, have terrible sleep, or many other painful experiences. For many couples, this advice is perfect for their relationship. Obviously, I am a therapist and I truly believe in resolving any and all conflicts, but this doesn’t work for everyone.

Couples faced with relationship conflict often attempt to resolve the issue to the best that they can.  When in conflict, couples try to resolve the issue through continuous fighting, arguing, and then resulting into a more damaged relationship. Damaging a relationship is far more dangerous than going to bed angry. 

The bigger issue is for those who keep trying to resolve an issue, and it keeps getting worse, escalating, and turning into a big disaster. Going to bed without the issue resolved might actually protect the relationship.  Many people don’t see it this way, nor does it feel like that from the person on the receiving end.  On the receiving end it might feel as if your partner doesn’t care, as if they give up on the relationship.  But as a matter of fact, this might be a wise thing to do.  It can protect the relationship from getting out of hand.  If you have seen your relationship escalate in times of disagreement, then maybe taking a break, falling asleep, and addressing the issue when you are less emotionally reactive might actually benefit your relationship. 

Remember, sometimes going to bed angry really isn’t that bad.  

If you are struggling in your relationship and you live in San Diego, visit my main website to schedule an appointment for Marriage Counseling.

Many people are worrying about finances and are facing economic struggles. Quite frequently when finances drop, so does the relationship satisfaction. Don’t be part of that. If your bank account is dwindling, it is more important than ever to keep your relationship strong.

Keep your relationship strong while your finances are in stress:

1. Be sensitive to your partner. You partner may be just as worried about finances as you are. Be sensitive to your partner’s feelings and try to understand them.
2. Re-direct your anger. Be upset about the situation, not at your partner. Often people let out their feelings onto their partner. Let your stress and anger out in a healthy place, such as at the gym, or journaling.
3. Free Dates. Don’t stop your relationship simply because your finances are stretched. Find free and creative dates, such as picnics, hiking, candle-lit dinners, etc.
4. Create a plan. Create a strategy plan with your partner on how you two will be coping with the financial stressor. Get on the same page about your financial plan.

Are you struggling in your Relationship? If you live in San Diego and would like to work on improving your relationship, visit my Therapy Website to schedule an appointment.

What messages do you send to your partner in the bed?  Do you send the message that you are open for intimacy?  Do you show that you care?

Take a look at what non-verbal messages you send to your partner. Think about how they might respond.

If you are finding that you and your partner aren’t conneting, you could benefit from therapy addressing sexual issues. Please contact me to schedule an appointment.

If you find yourself in a pattern of unsuccessful relationships, then you may have a familiar relationship dynamic pattern that is not working. Sometimes this is “unconscious” and causes us to act out behavior that we are not aware of. Below are tips on how to make a positive, lasting impression on new people in the dating world:

1. Often the pattern can be so ingrained that it may need to be addressed with a professional: attempt to break your patterns through counseling. Relationship choices are based on patterns that were created in our childhood and then were reinforced during our growing up. We often have patterns that cause heartache and frustration instead of patterns that lead to successful, happy relationships. Begin to understand where your relationship pattern comes from, what your pattern looks like, and then choose to do something different.

2. Look at how the vibes you send out are being received by other people. Sometimes if you feel inadequate, unattractive, have low self-esteem; other people will pick up on how you feel and possibly cause them to lose interest in you. Boost your confidence by exercising, decreasing stress, counseling, maintaining a healthy diet, getting a haircut, buying new clothes, etc. Stand tall and think positively.

3. Stop comparing yourself to others. Doing so sets your up for constant failure in that no two people are alike: everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. You are a unique individual with desirable traits to compatible people.

4. Laugh and smile more often. In addition to being attractive and magnetic, laughter and smiling elevates your mood and keeps your body healthy.

5. Put yourself out there by experiencing new things. Take on new hobbies or travel to new environments such as church, dating sites, groups, etc. to meet new and interesting people.

6. Don’t spend your entire holiday season with married or coupled families and friends. Find other singles and singles’ groups/activities where you won’t feel as uncomfortable or lonely.

Couples frequently come for psychotherapy saying that they want “healthier communication.” But what does that really mean? All of these high functioning, business oriented, goal driven couples communicate to one another; they talk, express how they feel, and continue to discuss ongoing issues. They tend to regurgitate the problem over and over, they reshape the way they say things, they shift their perspective, and they constantly try various ways to explain their side. Communication is exactly what they do, but the bigger question is what do they accomplish? Learning how to communicate is too broad of an issue….healthy communication is about narrowing in, taking a deeper look at the interactions within each partner, and understand how the couple interact together. From a therapeutic stance, it is about eliciting the underlying issues and emotions, gaining insight and awareness of the patterns, and changing the dynamic of the relationship. It has nothing to do with the English language, and has everything to do with the relationship patterns.

Healthy relationship patterns + expressing emotions = Healthy Communication

Do you want to have healthy communication in your relationship, visit my San Diego Therapy Website to schedule an appointment.