Relationships in the Raw: Tips to build healthy communication

Have you ever had one of those lengthy text fights that go nowhere? You are not alone. I work with many couples in relationship counseling that get caught in text fighting. Cell phones provide quick and convenient communication through text messaging, yet couples fall into a downward spiral of text fighting.

Dr. Albert Mehrabian reports in his book Silent Messages that the majority of communication is through body language and tone of voice, not what is said.  He calls it the “7%-38%-55% Rule.” Fifty-five percent of other people’s reactions to you are based on your facial expression, 38% based on your tone of voice, and only 7% of their reaction are from the words you are actually saying. Communication is more than words. Addressing relationship problems through text messaging relies only on the 7% of what is being said, which requires the other 93% to be guessed.   Text fighting is usually a road to disaster and doesn’t help resolve conflict.

Next time you catch yourself picking up your phone to text fight, write down your thoughts on the convenient notepad in your cell phone. Address the issue in person to avoid guessing the tone of voice and body language.

Get to know the San Diego Couples Therapist intern Jennine Estes, her journey to the therapy world, and her media appearances.

Relationship Counseling in San Diego

Rape is more than simply a trauma; it is a life long ordeal with continual distress.  The forced sex takes away control, forces extreme violation, causes physical pains, and creates severe emotional trauma.  Recovering from such a traumatic incident can be challenging and life altering.  Some people find themselves reaching out to others for support and comfort.  Others may hold things in, shut down, numb-out, or even become self destructive.  All of which are ways in which the body is saying, “I am hurting. I need to feel safe. I need to heal.”

The aftermath can be painful, lonely, and overwhelming.   The body remembers trauma and needs to heal by regrouping, reorganizing, and gaining a sense of control again.

The rape happened, now what?

You may not have had control for what happened, but you have the choice to gain control now and heal! You can…and will take control.

Here are a few things to help you gain control:

- Make a Rape Recovery and Empowerment Box: Here you can learn about making a box for your recovery.  Take steps to say goodbye to the trauma, process your emotions, and visually see the steps occurring.

- Start therapy: I believe no one should go through recovery alone.  The rape can not only hurt you as an individual, it can also get in the way of having a healthy relationship emotionally and sexually.

- Encouraging Music: One of my favorite musicians, Jack Pryor, wrote a song about encouragement and taking victory from sexual abuse.  He has kindly offered this song to be downloaded for free to help you and others through the healing process.

- Journal: Many thoughts may run through your mind.  Take a proactive approach and put your emotions onto paper.  Dump it there…and start to make sense of it.

- Get your partner on board: Your partner needs to understand the emotional impact the rape had on you.  Find ways to share your thoughts, feelings, and fears.

- Self defense class: Take a self defense class where you feel confident in defending yourself.

Remember back when you were a teen preparing to get your driver’s license.   In order to get a driver’s license, several hoops must be jumped through; a permit test about the laws, driving classes, several months of practice with a skilled person in the car, and finally a licensing test.  The DMV has made sure to educate the American driver to prevent accidents and fatal car collisions (thank goodness), but how come having children or getting married requires so little attention?

Similarly to driving, many people grow up with the future plans of marriage, excited to find a life partner, and to be committed. The success rate of marriages continues to drop in our country, yet there is little encouragement to attend marriage classes. A marriage is a special life long commitment, an agreement in which two people dedicate their lives to each other.  The dream of a relationship becomes reality for many, however the training wheels of effective communication was not as clearly defined or taught. Premarital therapy and marriage counseling are a few ways people use to build healthy relationships.

Marriage counseling and premarital therapy focused on assisting couples to build and maintain a secure attachment. Marital therapy helps couples learn new communication styles, improve their connection, and increase marital satisfaction.  Premarital therapy helps couples take active steps to learn about communicating effectively, resolving conflicts, and much more.

For some couples, therapy might not be their first choice.  If you’re looking for another way to get premarital education prior to marriage, check out The Premarital Counseling Workbook for Couples, a cost effective alternative to traditional premarital counseling, by Marriage and Family Therapist, Lisa Brookes Kift.  If you are married and looking communication education in your marriage, pick up a copy of Hold Me Tight, by Sue Johnson.

Every one (and I think I can say this as a blanket statement) is impacted in one way or another from the economic stress; businesses closing, loss of jobs, constant worry about job security, foreclosing the home, friends struggling, or simply the news telling you another bad thing. Anxiety may be higher than ever, but this doesn’t mean you have to stop connecting with your partner.  In fact, this is the time to support one another through the stress and help alleviate the pain.

A few years back, my husband was in school and I was starting my therapy practice.  We didn’t have much money at the time, yet we realized the importance of nurturing the relationship.  We started a game called $20 Date Night where every Friday night we switched off with creating the date. The goal is to create a date with only spending $20 or less. To our surprise, we came up with many dates; it just took imagination and creativity.  To this day, we continue or date night challenge…

Don’t let the recession get in the way of your relationship. Take the challenge and create your own date…I dare you!!!

1. Free Admission to the Museum: I live in sunny San Diego where many museums provide a free admission one day per month (each day is specific per museum).  Take the time to admire artwork and see something new.  Play a game with your partner and see if you can guess what each other like and dislike.  Talk to your local museums and see if they have any discounts.
2. Hike and a Picnic: Life gets busy with the every day routine and we can frequently take for granted the beauty of nature.  Take a hike with your partner and bring along fresh fruits and homemade food for two.  Relax and enjoy the tranquility of nature.
3. Coffee and a Game: There are many coffee shops that provide game boards and books for their customers to use while enjoying coffee.  Mix it up a bit… sip on a latte and challenge your partner at a game.
4. A Night at home (without the kids): A night at home relaxing, watching movies, cuddling in bed, and connecting intimately is a date all on its own.  Drop the kids off at a friend’s house for a no cost date.  This free date is a huge investment in your relationship that will pay off in the long run. Don’t forget to stay away from cleaning, bills, or anything else that may keep you from focusing on one another.
5. Dance Classes: Because I live in lovely San Diego, there are various restaurants/bars that provide a first time free dance lesson.   Get dressed up and learn how to move your bodies together to the music.
6. Skinny Dipping at home: Sometimes we simply need to step out of the box and do something exciting!  If you have a pool, take off the clothes and jump in…No cost and a lot of fun.

Read my other article about $20 Date Night ideas for more ideas and share some of your own dates that are low cost!  Also, learn how to keep your relationship strong when money is tight.

A man and woman are in the car coming home from dinner with their 3 year old asleep in the back seat. They get into the on-going discussion that goes in circles, gets them no where. They both become agitated because neither one feels heard, and the more they try to work out the issue, the more hurt and angry both become. They arrive home; husband goes upstairs to watch television to zone out and decompress. After putting the child to bed, the wife goes into the kitchen; she begins to clean dishes, she angrily thinks about how “he still doesn’t get it” and “how come he won’t simply come downstairs and talk to me.”

She is very upset and finds herself grabbing a bottle of wine and sitting on the couch. After a half hour or so, she is feeling pretty good. Absorbed in her movie and feeling the wine. She later finds herself eating a bag of chips. After the bottle of wine and bag of chips are empty, she goes to bed…No longer angry or upset. The next morning she begins to get upset, thinking to herself, “why did I do that?!” She feels horrible, a little hung over, and as if she ruined her weight loss diet. She begins to focus on all of her “shouldn’t haves…” for the night before, beating herself up internally. She later finds herself at the store, buying another expensive purse…

I describe this scenario to paint a picture of a pattern many women struggle with and continue to fall into. I will explain more simplistically. First, she feels hurt, upset, and as if her partner doesn’t understand her. The “not so good feelings” she experienced are “negative emotions.” And when she feels the negative emotions, she rapidly does a behavior to eliminate the pain. While doing the behavior, such as drinking and eating, the pain isn’t as bad, she feels tipsy from the wine, or might even feel great while eating the delicious chips. The problem here is that these coping behaviors are temporary. Later the next day, she feels terrible, guilty for drinking, hung-over, and ashamed for eating the chips. Continuing the pattern where she finds herself doing another behavior to eliminate the pain, such as shopping.

You don’t have to be trapped in this cycle. Take charge of your life and get pro-active. Here are a few steps to break this draining and exhausting coping cycle:

1. Avoid Triggering Events: Stay away from specific events that you might know may trigger your cycle. Or learn how to prevent a triggering event from arising, through steps like improving communication with your partner.
2. Be aware of your Emotions and how you react: Start to check in with your emotions. See how you feel and sit with your emotions; don’t try to make them go away. Instead, embrace your emotions and get comfort from your partner or a friend, instead of getting comfort from a bottle of wine.
3. Change your Coping Behavior to a Positive Behavior: Change the coping behavior to something that doesn’t leave a sense of regret, such as writing, walking, exercise, etc.
4. Write down your negative thoughts and feelings: Write your thoughts out to release your pain. This allows you a place to feel the thoughts and be pro-active at the same time.
5. Avoid Critical and Judgmental thoughts: If you did fall into the coping pattern, don’t beat yourself up. Instead, tell yourself you are okay and you made a mistake.
6. Get Comfort and Support: The coping behavior is there because your body is saying that you don’t feel good. Get soothed and comforted by your partner, friends, and family. If your coping behavior has turned into an addiction, seek professional counseling or help.

by Amanda Collins

Where you live and work has an incredible effect on your health and well being. According to the EPA People on average; spend at least 87% of their time indoors. This is why creating peaceful and harmonious environments is so important. Here are some Feng Shui tips for your bedroom to make sure your environment is supportive and loving for your relationships.

1. Remove clutter
When you get rid of clutter, you are making room for romance. If you are single, create an empty space in your closet for a future lover’s things. If attached, make room in your drawers and closets so there is equal space for both you and your partner’s possessions. Remove items from past relationships

2. No TV or Exercise Equipment!
Keep the TV out of the bedroom. Any electronic equipment should be placed in the office or other area of the home. A TV in the bedroom is not conducive to romance. The bedroom is for lovin’ not work. A treadmill or workout machine in the bedroom makes your relationship exhausting.

3. Always have things in pairs

Replace mismatched night tables with a set to encourage equality in your relationship. Have a pair of lights show you want to share your life and home with your loved one.

4. Decorate your room in the right color
Shades of pink helps draw love to you easily and create a romantic mood. Red, used sparingly, can be a sexy, bold color that creates passion or help draw a new lover.

5. Check the statues and art in your bedroom
Replace any photos, sculptures or art of single people or figures. Replace them with happy couples. This simple change will help draw a wonderful partner! You should discard or put away photos and momentous of old flames. Gifts and anything with the ex’s energy on it, keeps new love at bay.
6. Bed placement
Having your bed up against a wall, pushes away your chance for love. You should have your bed positioned so there is enough space to walk on either side. Not in line with the door but being able to see the door as you sleep.

7. The size of your bed matters!
If you are single a single mattress is not a good idea or snoozing on a king size or single mattress doesn’t encourage romance. There’s too much space. Sleeping on a huge mattress won’t encourage intimacy. Invest in a full size or a queen. What’s under your bed affects your sleep.

8. Satin sheets
Think of sensual, soft, bedding when selecting pillows, sheets and comforters. Any type of bedding that creates a cozy environment is great for the bedroom

9. Rose quartz
Buy chunks of rose quartz, rose quartz hearts, rose quartz lamps and place them in your bedroom. This stone is known to draw love into your life, increase self love and help heal a broken heart.

10. Personal photos
Don’t display family and kid photos in the bedroom. This is said to hinder your sex life. Put them in the living or family room where they belong!

Set the mood - the mood in the bedroom is important too
Light scented candles, drape your lamps in sheer fabrics or lace. Keep lighting soft. Play romantic music.. Place “happy” photos of you and your honey on the dresser.

Amanda Collins is a Feng Shui Expert serving both residentials and corporate clients in San Diego. Learn more about her and how she works at www.sdfengshui.com or www.fengshuifusion.com.

It’s that time of year where San Diego stores are filled with red balloons, lover’s hearts, and romantic items for the committed relationships.  For some people, this special February day can be exciting and romantic, and for others it can be torture. This time of year can hit deep and be another reminder of your relationship status….single. It doesn’t have to be that way….you can survive Valentine’s Day and avoid the pain.

Here are a few simple things you can do to survive the holiday and thrive being single:

1. Change the Radar: The radar in our mind can automatically pick out the “what I don’t have” and the alarm will sound when around couples holding hands, or exchanging hugs, or even with valentine gifts.  Instead of the radar focused on what you don’t have, change it to notice what you do have. Focus on your friends, your family, your support, etc.
2. Make the Best of it: Simply because you don’t have a partner, doesn’t mean that you can’t celebrate the holiday. Meet up with a few friends/family and create your own meaning of Valentine’s Day.   Make the best of it and have it as your friendship and family appreciation day.
3. Stay Away From the Blues: It is easy to go into the depression dumps when your relationship status is brought to your attention.  The blues are filled with sadness, isolation, and negative thoughts.  Keep yourself up-beat by spending time with friends, exercising, and organizing your life.  The more proactive you are on Valentine’s Day, the more power you have to stay away from the depression blues.
4. Moving Up Goals:  Empower yourself and use this day as a way to set goals for yourself.  Write down what you want in your life, including physical health, emotional well being, relationships, and career goals.  Create a list of your wants and the steps you plan to take to reach your desires.
5. Leisure Day: Make Valentine’s Day your day to enjoy your favorite hobby, relaxation, and leisure.  This can be your way of enjoying the day doing what you do best!  Surround yourself with what you enjoy doing most.
6. Single-hood Strengths: Cherish this time being single and focus on the strengths of being single.  Make it a challenge throughout the day to find strengths and how it may be good for you right now.

Want to learn how to find a healthy relationship?  Call today to schedule an appointment and start making changes.  Visit my main website: Estes Therapy in San Diego.

1. Dateless days: Relationships are like flowers; they need the frequent care of water, nutrients in the soil, and daily sun light.  Relationships similarly can’t grow without frequent care of one-on-one time, such as date nights.  The time of couples focused on one another, creating emotional connection and building a stronger connection in the relationship. Don’t forget to water the relationship with adding on Dates!
2. Computer love: Electronics are becoming more and more part of the American routine; however, the technology of text messaging and internet can create a wall between two people.  I often see couples sitting side by side out to dinner, yet they vanished away into their own individual electronic worlds.  Technology is getting in the way and distracting them from the relationship.
3. Friendship Focal Points: For social butterflies, socializing is key and very significant for maintaining relationships.  The problem for couples is when either one or both people put more emphasis on friendships and don’t create a healthy balance.  When friendship is the main focal point, then the relationship shifts to the peripheral vision.
4. No “Check-ins:” Quite frequently, partners may hear different messages than what their partner is actually meaning to say.  The problem is that the simple step of checking in is overlooked and then reactions take over, starting the communication war.
5. Back Burner Choices: When life gets tough, substance (such as drinking, shopping, eating, etc) is used to help alleviate stress and take away the emotional pain.  Unfortunately, the choice of substance automatically puts the other partner on the back burner…creating the feeling as if they aren’t willing to navigate through the rough times by the side of their partner.
6. Unsafe Zones: Safety is the comfort of your partner knowing that they can rely on you, get comfort from you, and know the .  When someone criticizes, gets angry quickly, speaks down to, or over looks your emotional needs, it can create the sense of “it isn’t safe and my needs won’t be met.”  This tends to push away partners and have them get comfort on their own or look for it in other ways.
7. Avoiding Tough Topics: Many people avoid tough discussions with their partner as a way to keep the relationship tightly connected; however it doesn’t create space to resolve issues.  The partner on the receiving end may feel as you “go away” or “don’t care,” creating a feeling as if they have to hold on tighter, cling on, and get you to open up…which can actually push you further away.
8. Email Snooping: An insecurely attached relationship can feel terrible, with fear and overly concern with what the other person is doing.  Some partners take it upon themselves to do the investigation and search through emails to either confirm or deny their worst fears…a way to get comfort for their worry.  The problematic part of this email snooping is that the insecure attachment does not get resolved, and the distress in the relationship becomes magnified.
9. Holding on Too Tight: When the attachment is not secure, it can create a terrible feeling of fear of losing the relationship.  Some people may want to feel secure and take away the discomfort by holding on very tightly and squeezing their partner extremely hard that they can’t breathe.  When the holding is too tight, the partner on the receiving end will need to take a breath of air by pulling away….and the cycle of keeping the relationship insecurely attached continues.
10. No Follow Through: Many people tell their partner one thing, and then do something different.  For example, saying that you will be home by 6:00pm and then come home at 7:00pm.  No follow through shows your partner that they can’t rely on you.
11. Infidelity: An affair on the side WILL damage the relationship…duh.

If you want to work on creating a healthy attachment in your relationship, give me a call.  Please visit my main San Diego Therapy site to schedule an appointment.

Work, kids, dinner, cleaning, bills, errands, social life …the list is endless.  One of our society’s theme for life is “keep working, keep doing.”  It is very helpful for business, yet can creating more of a “routine” in the bedroom.   Simply because life has a routine, doesn’t mean the intimacy needs to be on autopilot. 

Here are a few tips to spice up the bedroom connection:

1. Get out of Routine!! Surprise your partner by doing something out of the ordinary.  If you meet him at the door with dinner, meet him at the door only wearing stilettos. If you have sex only in the morning, find a way to wake up in the middle of the night. 
2. Change your Role: Intimacy often comes with roles….make an effort to change your role to show your partner your interest. If your partner is the pursuer, make it your goal to pursue your partner. 
3. Change Locations.  Sex shouldn’t have to be limited to one location and one position.  Make an effort to change the location and do something out of the ordinary.  If your intimacy is only consists of in the bedroom, find a way to bring it to new locations. 
4. Wear Lingerie: Dressing in sweats and long t-shirts to bed can be extremely comfortable, but it also doesn’t allow your partner to see your interest.  This is not only for him, but for you as well.  Feel sexy more often, while connecting in the bedroom.
5. Start to Mind-Prep: Majority of men can become aroused simply be an image or thought.  The downside is that women don’t function the same way!  Many women have difficulty getting “in the mood” and need a little jump start.  Start preparing your mind throughout the day to help you get in the mood. 
6. Slow-to-Warm:  Many women need more to get them in the mood than just rubbing a special place.  Partners need to understand that intimacy for many women starts in the morning with a kiss, continues through the day with stimulating conversation, and peaks in the bedroom.  For some people, intimacy can be based off of connecting throughout the day.
7. Ask About Needs: Your partner isn’t a mind reader and might not be able to know exactly what you want.  Ask and show your partner what you like and what you want within the intimacy.  Don’t forget to ask your partner about what they want and need in the bedroom. 

Beat your relationships blues and create healthy communication. Another article that might be helpful: Rekindling Romance  

Relationships are facing more and more stress with the recession; foreclosures, loss of jobs, worry about money, arguing about money, decreased income, loss of stocks, etc. Many relationships are drastically hurting because their finances are declining.  While in a hard time, relationships are supposed to be the comfort zone, the place to decompress and get soothed….especially in such an economic crisis.   But that isn’t the case in some relationships.

Don’t be one those couples suffering simply because the bank account has dropped.   Here are a few tips on keeping your connection strong while handling economic stress…

1. Focus on the NOW: Many people have the worry thoughts of the future: “What will happen if…” or “What will we do when…” or “How will we handle…”  Basically future thoughts only hurt and damage our mood.  Don’t get caught on that trap.  Keep your mind on what you have now and what you are doing now.
2. $20 Date Nights: Many couples forget to nurture the relationship and don’t work on growing the relati_­­onship.  Make the relationship a priority and schedule date nights.  Be creative in finding ways to connect with one another while spending only $20.  Take the challenge and see what you two come up with!
3. Create a Game Plan Together: Game plans create a sense of direction and decrease the anxiety. Sit down with your partner and create a game plan as a team. The stronger of a joint game plan, the better you two will make it out as together.
4. External impacts Internal:  External environments can impact your internal mood.  For example: when the house is messy, the more stressed you might feel.  Carve out a few hours in the week to organize and clean your house and office.  Notice how it impacts your mood and how you communicate with your partner.
5. Look at what you DO have: When the stress is heightened on bill payments and work stress, people often hyper-focus on what they “don’t have” versus what we “do have.”  Shift your focus and keep looking at what you do have, such as appreciating your family and friends.
6. Think Positive: Worry can take away the optimistic thoughts and bring you down.  The more negative thoughts, the less energy we have for the relationship.  Think positively and avoid the emotional beat-up game. Encourage yourself and tell yourself that you will make it work and find a way.
7. Hold Each Other: When the tough gets going… hold on tight and comfort one another.  It is okay to be fearful or upset…so hold one another and tell your partner that you two will face the struggles together.  Getting confirmation that you aren’t alone can ease the stress and make the obstacles more manageable.

Get more Relationship Advice and learn how to have keep your relationship strong. Read my article about $20 Date Nights